First Love. Real Love?

I met my boyfriend in grade 9, first year of highschool when i was 13. We started dating later that year and have been together ever since......sounds cute right? not so much. Thats the story I tell people however others who know us know better.....most dont even know the whole story either.

We have always been the type to fight but in some ways it was something i could admire...we aren't afraid to tell eachother when the other is wrong, it wasnt the kind of relationship where your so head over heels you forget who you are. The problem with the fights was it put distance between us.

The first time we broke up was a year and a half after being together our 'break' was because he had a friend that was a girl that he might have had a crush on so i said he had to choose, he choose me.

Second time was the valentines day after highschool, at this point my boyfriend was heavy into partying and smoking pot and his 'best friend' was telling him how i was a ***** and he could get so many other girls. so he leaves me.....this was the hardest part of our relationship and I think that catalist for future events.
I didn't know why this was happening but turns out it was for no other reason then to see other people.
3 months of heartbreak and I start to get over him, i hooked up with someone, was meeting new guys and in my mind i thought we were done for good.
Then my boyfriend asks to see me, he tells me he made a huge mistake and wanted to confess that he had slept with someone else. What he hadn't expected is that I had aswell. He proceeded to get into a rage yelling and screaming in my face calling me horrible names and kicking me out of his car to walk home. He then drives to my parents house and tells them im being a '****' and sleeping everyone.

When he gets home he goes into an emotional breakdown. From regret, and hopelessness and also being a side affect from his dependancy for pot and the side affects it gave him (anxioty, paranoia etc..)
He writes an apology letter to my parents, goes to councelling, and quits smoking pot.

A few months later I get my own apartment with a friend and him and I start slowly talking again, he starts visiting and our relationship picks up again.
After my roomate moves out him and I get a place together.
Now the issue is a mix of everything.
Everytime he gets drunk he is a happy guy one minute and then as soon as something negative is said or that he thinks is negative it sends him into a rage. He screams in my face, he breaks things in the apartment, he accuses me of things completly out of nowhere like im cheating on him. Calls me horrible names and always says that we are done and starts packing his things.
hours later when he finally falls asleep on the couch and sobers up in the morning he is apologizing, saying he didn't mean to act that way but in actuallity he doesn't remember half the stuff he says or just how angry he gets. It is so angry that he is completly unpredictable.

Most recent incident which brings me to write this.
We have had some issues lately in combination with his other drunken antics, I also discovered pot in his car a few months ago and that he kissed a girl from his work.
so. we are trying to deal with this for a few weeks.
then about a week ago
He goes out with his friend and I stay home because I work in the morning. He comes home drunk around 3am and starts puking everywhere in the bathroom. I clean him up and put him to bed. His friend (which is also a long time pal of mine too) start cleaning the puke and all of a sudden my boyfriend gets up slams the bathroom door open and it accidentally hits me in the head and just stares me me with the most evil look ive ever seen. He doesn't say whats wrong only keeps telling me and his friend to fess up. we are so confused when he finally come out with it. He came up with this whole thing in his head that me and his friend were having sex in the bathroom meanwhile we were acctually just cleaning his vomit.
he starts pushing his friend around he grabs me by the wrists very tightly and continues to scream and throw and break things. He confesses to his friend about his cheating, cries and says how bad he feels goes on to say how much of a **** up he is for everything, he ruins everything etccc...
His friend spends 3-4 hours talking him down and trying to get him to rationalize and he finally goes to sleep.
In the morning he is again realizing what he has done and is sorry.

The hard part I face is that I can't tust him, he gets drunk and could possibly beat me, we have so much resentment in our relationship for all the bad that he has done and thats what sends him into this drunken fits as it all surfaces and he doesn't know how do deal with all the emotion. He doesn't trust himself (example. cheat, smoke pot) that in some twisted way it makes him not trust me.
But then when he is sober he doesn't have any of this rage, he is a laid back kinda guy.
We have been together for nearly 7 years now. im done college and wanting to start my life. We are thinking of saving for a house and I think he has getting engaged on his mind in the next year or two.
But is this sweet, kind person that is unfortunaly unpredictable and may have a drinking problem that kind of person I can be with. The anger rages never happened until all the baggage of our relationship piled up on him. He clearly has some emotional issues he needs to get sorted but can he do that? should I wait around and hope things change or am I trying to help someone that can't be helped? and our relationship should have just ended when we broke up 3 years ago and I thought it was over.

Sorry about how long this is and the spelling errors I was trying to type this in the shortest and fastest possible way.

Please let me know your advice and I would really like it if I can find anyone who can relate.

-keepsmiling8022
keepsmiling8022 keepsmiling8022
18-21, F
Jan 19, 2013