My Wife Wants a Divorce

I've been married for 3 years, andmy wife says she doesn't love me anymore.  I put her through hell, I really did.  I never beat her, nor have I ever demeaned her, but it seems that I did worse.  I neglected her.  See, she has always been so sacrificial for my happiness, and I always took it for granted.  The downfall was me closing off, after our child was born.  I wasn't as ready for fatherhood as I had thougt, in that, I didn't feel love for him when he was born.  All I saw was this little thing in my household that invaded my space, and demanded everything from me.  I didn't understand it, and through that I would get frustrated.  From frustration, I would get angry, but instead of acting in violence (yes, physically and emotionally abused childhood, that's me), I became terrified of my anger and I shut down.  COMPLETELY.  Well, that was what seems to be the beginning of the end.  After about 6 months of being an empty vessel in the home, I had to leave the house for work.  I'm in the military btw.  I was gone for 10 months.  At first, things seemed to be okay.  Me and my wife were talking everynight, and I got to watch my kid.  I was able to visit almost once a month for a while.  Those were the first 5 months.  Then, things began to go south.  We started to fight, and it got bad in Feb.  We were under the stress of moving in not a lot of time, and in the process, my wife and I had a huge falling out.  The subject began with me saying 'I don't know how to talk to you anymore.'.  Looking back now, I can understand why she was so mad, because she had been trying to figure out how to get me to listen to her when she talked to me.  Eventually the conversation moved on to talking about my dog being gotten rid of, and then on to my parents.  The conclusion to the arguement was her screaming 'You don't love me' and running out the door.  After she was gone for about an hour, she came back, and admitted that if it wasn't for our child, she would have committed suicide right then and there.  She asked me to get some help to get my parents out of my head, and then told me that I should talk to that same therapist about learning how to help my bipolar wife.  So blind I have been, my god.....  Anyway, fast forward to April.  I'm getting ready to finally come back home to stay, and she visits me in South Carolina.  She admits to me again, that she had been close to commiting suicide 3 weeks prior.  The only thing that kept her from doing it was the thought that she might fail at it, and our child become a ward of the state.  I only asked her what her therapist had said, and her therapist said that she felt it was good that she didn't do it.  I have a feeling that she never told her therapist.  I said no more, because I felt like I couldn't talk.  I couldn't speak anymore, cause I had no words.  I was scared, but that's about all I could muster.  Like a rat in the gaze of a snake.  Well, in May, she had herself committed, and it was because I had didn't seem to care about her.  I didn't express gratitude for the things that she had done, and for the constant sacrifices she had made to make me happy.  When she came home, I tried to start doing things to improve our marriage, like cleaning the house, caring for our kid (which I love more than the world now), and self reflection.  She was cold to my love though.  She told me that she couldn't say that she loved me back, because she didn't know if she did still or not.  I had to leave again in the beginning of June, and soon after I left I got the news that her father was very ill, and is dying.  She rushed home to be at his side, and with her family to help out.  I wanted to come home too, but she said that I would be a burden, and she rather I didn't.  I mentioned that I wanted to at least come and see dad before he was gone, and told her why it was important to me, and then she said that she understood, and I could do that.  Shortly thereafter, she decided against it.  Her and her mom didn't want me to be there.  It felt like I had been gutted, that no one wanted me, and that no one seemed to care how I felt about it.  Then came the conversation where I was accussed of using his illness as a way to get out of work.  She said I had made her father dying about me, and that it was the last straw, she was leaving.  I went into a state of despair, and that night started to think of ways that I could hurt myself.  I was in a bad enough state that I told someone, and was taken to the hospital.  Before I got there, the thoughts of suicide had changed to thoughts of guilt and regret for letting myself get to that point.  The Dr. said I wasn't a threat at that time, and wanted to me see a psyciatrist in two days.  Before the appointment, I told her about that night, and have regretted it since.  She has come to the conclusion that the relationship is toxic, and that she doesn't love me anymore, therefore wants a divorce.  Since then, I've been truly working on myself, and fighting the idea of a divorce.  She had sacrificed everything that she was, and had put so much of her love into me before, and now, when it clicks, it's too late.  I don't want a divorce, I want her to see that I am not the person that caused her all that pain, but someone that is truly worthy of her love.  I want her to see that it is very possible to be happy in a marriage with me.  It's not selfishness that makes me want to keep our marriage alive, it's my desire to love her and our child, together, and to make them happy.  I want to make her happy more than anything in the world.  She's doesn't want to try, but there HAS to be something still there, doesn't it?  You can't just put everything into something, only to walk away when it finally responds?  I can't imagine my life now without her as my beautiful loving wife, but I just don't know what I can do.  I'm sincerely working on fixing my flaws, and feel like I'm making good progress, but it doesn't seem to matter anymore.  What do I do?  What is left for me to do?

Mushrat79 Mushrat79
2 Responses Jun 16, 2009

I'm going through a divorce right now bc my husband is like you...also in the military...I still want to be with my husband bc I love him oh so much, all I can say is show her that you love her. Make her your priority...<br />
<br />
Don't let anything come between your marriage, you should be completely devoted to your spouse, don't let anything come between those bonds, when you make something more of a priorty than your marriage you will have problems. Marriage is all about priorities, make choices that portray to... your spouse that they are a priority

OK, so you are in a really tough situation. I can't tell you exactly what to do, but you have taken several positive steps.<br />
Your wife is mentally ill, bipolar you said? It's essential she gets treatment and takes her meds as scheduled. <br />
<br />
You, my friend, are not in great shape yourself. But you realized that and got yourself to the hospital. It takes enormous courage & strength to ask for that help & follow through. Make sure you get to that doctor's appointment. You sound like such a bright guy, you've got some issues to deal with but you can do it.<br />
<br />
It's just my opinion but you both need to be getting yourselves healthy first, then you can work on the marriage. But the most important person here, is your son. I know you want to do better by him than it sounds like your parents did for you. Make him your focus. You can get through this. Take care of yourself.