My Wife Fell In Love With Another, And Now I Am Nothing To Her

I don't suppose the details are too important.  I have been separated from her since July 2009, and she told me about the affair in October.  We have a three year old son, which makes it hurt so much more.  That's what matters the most about this situation - it just hurts, day after day.  Just when I think I can face the world with a smile and my head held high, my chest will suddenly burn, I gasp,and end up spending another week fighting to regain my composure.

I am not blameless for her falling out of love with me.  I became complacent, I took her for granted, and I fell into bad habits.  But, here was never any abuse.  In the end, though, she's the one who gave up, who couldn't even bother to sit through one counseling session.  I could have changed; I didn't understand how dire things were.  She found it much easier to go to the arms of her former Ph.D advisor - an older, married man who I trusted as a friend of my family.  On top of that, I've had to deal with all the mutual friends who took her side.

I'm at the point now where I can get through most days without wishing to die.  I can tolerate the hurt, but it's still there.  The betrayal still burns in my heart.  I still yearn for her, yet simultaneously seethe.  How will I ever be able to forgive?  I look at her and still see the face of my sweet girl, but she's not there.  Every time I have to exchange my son with her, it's like going to her funeral again.  Over and over she dies, like a suicide, removing herself from my life, and i can't even lay a single flower in her memory.

Despite all the hurt, and her determination to keep herself walled off from me, I can't stop thinking that her relationship with this man will fail and how that will deepen the tragedy of this situation.  She will be alone, in sorrow, and my son will be in the midst of this.  She will have left me for nothing, she will have learned nothing about her own responsibility to loved ones, and it's likely that I will not be able to help (either because I will have found someone else, or she will still refuse me).  I truly do want her to be happy, mainly because my son deserves to be raised by a happy mother, but I don't see a happy ending for her.

Through it all, I can only sit back and let the tragedy unfold.  Yes, I can take control of my life, and make the best of things.  I will do my best.  But I am tied to her and my boy, and my heart aches.  Through all this, I still wish she would just see that this is a mistake, and allow us to make amends.  As far as I'm concerned, we were soulmates.  We were a perfect pair broken by an imperfect world, and neither of us understood how to reach through the pain and heal ourselves - until it was too late.  I do not want this.  I don't want to cry anymore.

starless starless
31-35, M
6 Responses Feb 24, 2010

It's been so long since I've been here. I was in so much pain when it was happening; I couldn't contain it and I had to write about it here when I found this place. Then I lost my internet connection and the pain subsided.

On occasion I see that someone has responded to this, and I feel like I should give an update. Maybe it will help people. I healed. I didn't let myself become bitter. I allowed myself to trust again. I found someone beautiful and wonderful, someone better for me than my ex ever was. Things can get better once you work through the pain.

I spent months starving and drinking. I'd get home from work, eat a bag of popcorn, then drink until I passed out on the floor all alone. I found a good therapist and confronted the pain. I was finally able to see badly my ex treated me over the years, and I learned that I was worthy of better.

The only lingering pain involves my son. I don't get to see him as much since the separation. I miss him when he's not around. I guess this is normal for a lot of families, but my folks stayed together when I was growing up. The fact that I don't get to see him all the time feels wrong. The fact that the man that had an affair with my ex gets to spend more time with my son than I do feels very wrong. Yes, they are still together - now married.

But I have a wonderful wife now. Shes loves my son, too, and they have great fun together. I'm learning to let the lingering feelings of injustice flow through me and enjoy the gifts I have. Altogether, things have turned out very well. To those who are hurting now from a broken family - don't give up. You are worthy of love, and it's out there.

This is so very near my yet-to-be-written story that it is scary. I hope since nearly three years has passed, you have been able to move on and the pain has subsided.

I feel for you. This just happened to me. She just walked out on Sunday and was in love on Tuesday and she said she didnt' leave me for him. We have a 3 and 5 year old at home who wonder why mommy left the house. it's beyond words. I feel like she dies every time I see her and I die too. It's the most unbearable pain I've ever had to endure.

Your story broke my heart are you doing any better. I have been there betrayl twist my insides leaves me breathless A long time ago that happen to me You dont get over it the hurt does stop after awhile.

fallingstars, I'm sorry about your predicament. It has been 7 months since I posted my story, and I have learned a lot in that time. For a person, as myself, who had believed in true love and the value of an enduring partnership between husband and wife, most of my education has been discouraging. <br />
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For instance, I have learned a lot about how cheating spouses behave, and the "sc<x>ript" they use with their families and affair partners. fallingstars, I want you to realize that I'm not being mean - but I think your man has been having an affair with you.<br />
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Obviously I don't know your story, so I couldn't say with certainty. He lives in another state, says he's separated, says his wife is a cheater, yet he plans on returning to her and makes excuses for not divorcing. This stuff is straight out of the cheater sc<x>ript, the crap they all say.<br />
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God, I hope I'm wrong, because it's a betrayal, and I know how badly it hurts. Over the last 7 months I have uncovered la<x>yer after la<x>yer of lies, each discovery twisting the knife in my back. It seems my wife's affair is at least 2 years old, at this point, and I can look back and see all the red flags I had missed.<br />
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fallingstars, I wish you strength and a sense of your own power and worth. Think whether or not this man is worth it, and be honest with yourself. Realize that you are good, with or without a man, and that there is a man out there who is good FOR you, and will give all of himself to you.<br />
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I know the same is true for me. In my mind I know there's a wonderful woman out there. But that hopefulness has not yet reached my heart and soul. I still grieve, and the depth of the betrayal still twists my insides and leaves me breathless. <br />
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fs, I wish you the best. Take care...

I fell bad for starless reading your story made me cry willi was married for 7 years to a man who lied and cheated and even tryed to fake his death. He has a child but does not see her and he refuses to pay child support. but then like a dummy i met this great guy who lives in another state. He and his wife are seperated and we have been seeing each other. But heres the problem he has no children but he has several step children and his wife is a cheater but he thinks shes the best after she hurt him and the *** desides to move her back in after her man throws her out. So i told my man we are through he has to choose me or her and he uses the excuse he cant get a divorce do to money so i said get a 2nd job and then you can.