Happy With My Choice
Posted June 28th, 2010 at 3:55PM
After years of listening to women around me, including my own mother, ***** and moan about how hard it was raising kids, I decided at 20 that children were not for me either. Fortunately, a physical condition and subsequent medical procedure rendered me permenently child-free. I have no, and never will have, any regrets. I have too much that I want to do in my life, things that would not be possible if I had a child to care for, including volunteering my time to help others as often as I can. I will never have to worry about babysitters, temper tantrums in large public places, teenaged angst, drug use, unwanted pregnancy or any of the woes that can and often do accompany being a parent. I do realize that there are many joys to being a mother, but in my case, the pluses never outweighed the minuses.
I only wish that more parents were as at ease with their decision as I am with mine. There might be fewer abused and unwanted children in the world if that were the case.
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Wow there are people out there who feel the same as me! I got pregnant one time at 18yrs old and was so frightened about having a baby...not to mention the person I was with at the time did not want kids...I had a miscarriage. What a painful experience that was and by that I mean physically not mentally. I thought I was gonna bleed to death. Had to go to the emergency room. I had to have surgery as a result and when I woke up I didn't have any sad feelings about there being no baby. I didn't want children...I knew that from a young age that I was not mother material. The problem I have in life today is everyone telling me I should have kids...that it's worth going through the birth and stuff. No thank you! And then their is family...I like my neices and nephews and my boyfriends too but I just don't want to spend that much time with them. I don't think that makes me a bad person. It just bothers me when people (including family) want their kids in my face all the time cause their life revolves around their kids. Like for instance...my ex-brother in law and his ex-wife always had to bring their 3 and 5 yr old kids snowmobiling and that really ticked me off!! I couldn't even enjoy an adult sport with out stopping somewhere so the mother could change her kids diaper!!
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hi how are you ? -
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Nataila, I know just what you mean about parent foisting their kids on others. I can't begin to count the times a nice evening out has been ruined by a screaming child. When did it become obligatory to bring your kids everywhere? But that is another story for another group!
luna - there are some people who have absolutely no business being parents. My sister-in-law was one: she wanted the kids, but didn't like the mess they made or the difficulties they presented. She yelled and screamed all the time about the house being a mess - well, what do you expect from three little kids. As a result of growing up in a verbally abusive household, the two boys have anger-control issues they're struggling to manage and the daughter has moved as far away from her family as she can get. Real healthy. I'm glad I opted out, I don't think I would have been much better. -
I agree with you that children do not belong in a home where they will not get the love and attention they deserve, but let me ask you this... What do you say about those people who would be awesome parents (no, I am not talking about myself, read my own post in this subject for the details) but are physically incapable of either getting pregnant or getting a woman pregnant (and not by their own choice, as it was in your instance). Do you think they should have to be denied the right to be parents due to their physical incapabilities? I suppose I'm just playing Devil's Advocate here, I have no criticisms for your personal choice... you knew you wouldn't regret it, so why should anyone be allowed to make you feel any different? Thank you for your well-written story -
Solidad, I have two dogs and they keep me plenty busy enough! Ha ha... imagine if I tried to bring them everywhere!
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Couldn't you asy the same thing about dogs? They crap in the house, gotta care for them when you go on vacation - nothing but hassels. What this argument does not weigh in is the intangible. The love that kids and dogs give to you. You really can not measeure this value until you have it. -
Also - Kids are only really "with you" for around 20 years. This is a mere 1/5 or 20% of your life. Pleanty of time for other things.3 more replies -
Hi Ladies, I like most of you had no desire to raise children and could not understand why anyone would want to, especially as they take up so much of your life and cost so much and make so much mess and stop you doing what you wanted to do in life, plus if I am honest, I never believed that I could love a child .
I remained childless until the age of 34, when my new partner who at 22 became pregnant and assured me that she would do all the work in raising our child as she was very maternal.
Now at 46 We have become separated and I have 50/50 custody of my now 11 year old daughter and her son of 14 years old, who was two when we met.
Well I was wrong about the love thing and for those of you who have decided to live without children I truly believe that the feeling of unconditional love you get every day from your children cannot be matched by anything in this world.
I fully respect your decision and also agree that many parents should not have children, as it is not fair on the children to have parents that do not care.
My children bring me so much joy and give me so much respect and want to be with me every moment they can to talk and listen, and to be able to share my life with them is fantastic.
another thing about raising children is how protective you become, because they are vulnerable you are their true guardian, and gives your life meaning.
Whatever route you choose in life, respect other peoples wishes and enjoy what you have.
Take care everyone
Tony x -
...might change your mind about this when they're teenagers... -
AMEN to that. GOD almighty , i sacrifice my very life blood for my teens and I get nothing but hatefulness and disrespect and their father is the root of it all, encouraging them to dis me every chance he gets. Im going friggin crazy -
Hi everyone,
I have two gorgeous children, aged 6 and 8. If I had to do it all again, I would still choose to have them. Tony as you mention, the love for our children is unconditional. Yes, there are times when you just want a bit of peace and quiet but this is what I wanted. I've always wanted children, even from a very young age, I knew I would have them one day (and luckily, I have).
My sister is the opposite. She loves her niece and nephew dearly but wouldn't want any of her own. She also gets the questions about when she's going to have children and then the looks of horror when she says she isn't. It's just not for everyone. There are people out there who shouldn't have them at all, as mentioned earlier.
It's a personal choice whether to have children or not. Just because it seems that most of the population have children, it doesn't mean that absolutely everyone has to. I just don't like it when people are ostracized (right word?) for having or not having children. I wouldn't try and persaude people to have children so I don't expect people to tell me how awful it must be to have them, because it's not, and for me and many others, it's the greatest thing on earth. -
I am a proud aunt but I have no children of my own. I also get asked all the time when my husband and I are going to have kids. I am not over the idea of having them, I just hate being asked or people saying its my turn to have kids. It almost makes me feel that if I do not have kids, I will some how be useless. I just wish that they would understand that not everyone wants kids or has kids as soon as they are married. I do know that the more I am bugged about it the less I want them. -
I think it's rude to ask "When are you having kids?" or even worse, "Why don't you have any?" It's a very, very personal choice. Sometimes people don't have a choice. Either way, I feel it's none of other people's business and I hope you tell them that! -
I am glad that people have the right to choose not to raise children, a single unwanted child is one too many and yet we live in a world where there are hundreds of thousands of unwanted children.
About 3 months ago as I lay in bed I could hear my drunken neighbours start their usual rowing, when The woman bellowed at the top of her voice to her newish boyfriend, " YOU DONT GET IT DO YOU? I HATE KIDS" my thoughts were how will this affect her twelve year old daughter that could no doubt hear every word.?
A child needs so many things, love, affection, warmth, respect, honesty, education, and your time to name but a few, but if time is something you cannot spare then a child will not receive any of the things it needs to grow and be happy. how can a child show love if it has never felt it?
Sorry going into one.
Take care all. -
Wow, I agree completely. Said it the way I would. Thanks.
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Before my wife and I were married she was diagnosed with cancer. We had to hurry up the wedding and do a lot of extra planning so that she could walk down the aisle with her own hair. As a result of treatment, we cannot have children.
There is a world of difference between not wanting kids and not being able to have kids. Although it is perhaps true that some should not be parents, the pain of not being able to have kids in the first place is great. The family understands; my wife had to have the treatment. She is now doing well.
If you decide not to have children, that is your decision. At least you have the ability to make that decision. Don't take it lightly. -
Same here Dont want kids ,dont hate em but just dont have that wish to ever have them,am a animal lover :)
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i dont have kids either,its how it turned out and i dont regret it,i like kids and always have time for my friends kids,honestly the only thing thats annoying is some peoples attitudes,and the same ones also ***** about thier kids all the time,i think they need to get their own life,not use having a kid to justify thier existence,also half the people i know had their kids by mistake,and a lot of them endured bad relationships because of that ,all stupid selfish choices, also the world is overcrowded the old breed at any cost attitude needs to change,another example of people not evolving thier behaviours fast enough
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I do not think of anyone less who makes responsible decisions. For most of my life I did not want children. I even hated them for awhile but, times change, and so did feelings as I grew up. I know that I am still not ready to have one at this point in life but, I'm starting to consider the good it would do because I feel I would be a great mother and teacher. I wouldn't mind making one of my own and then adopting another some day.
On the other hand I do look down at people like a certain ex of mine who has 5 children with 3 women and doesn't care for any of them. I'm lucky not to have been one of them. -
I have a 5 month old, my first at 40 years old. My husband and I did not think it would happen, though we never made a decision no to have it happen. I adore her with my heart and soul. But I would not have been the same way if I had had her earlier and I do not want more and do not feel the "need" to bond with other parents. I feel strange for some of these feelings, but readfing these posts has helped me realizeI am truly not alone int hese thoughts.
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Your honesty is refreshing. It's almost a taboo in this society to admit never wanting kids. There are so many UNWANTED children in the world right now. Some in foster care or orphanages. Some with people who never bonded to them and are highly prone to abusing them. Some becomes runaways as teens. And some make it to adulthood, and statistics show a tendency for the cycle to repeat itself. Of all the friends I know who have kids, only one of them wanted & planned for the child - and some day she regrets it (which shows in how she treats him). I love children - I love them enough to insist they always be loved and wanted.
I respect both choices. What I don't like is society deciding for women about having kids. Try to find a doctor to do tubal ligation on a woman without 2-3 kids if she is under 35 -- forget it. The medical community has decided for us. In some states, try to terminate a pregnancy (even if the fetus is technically dead and just needs extracted) and you'll have to drive for hours to get care. I'm only enough to remember when birth control (eg. The Pill) was almost never covered by health insurance. Society is so scared to see a child-free woman being HAPPY that anything & everything are done to suppress it.
I am in my 30s and child-free. I am physically able to have kids and in a relationship. But I am so happy without them. And because I do have free time & money, I was able to start a 501c3 non-profit foundation which has been slowly growing ever since. I recognize some women were born to be mommies. But some of us were meant to do other things. If I had been forced into having children, the community would not have the benefit of the non-profit I helped to start. Please don't tell me it's "selfish" not to want kids. I respect others choices - it's time society starts to respect the choices of women who don't have kids. -
Funchy, she may not regret the actual child itself but, as I mentioned an ex who has 5 with 3 women, and only admits to 2 of the children... 3 were planned and abandoned by him the moment he found fresh *****. This things you learn after a relationship ends. They had reason to hate me... he told me they left him... but, who would leave a relationship with a 6 month old baby... or 7 months pregnant unless it was really horrible... wait, he was pretty horrible.
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Wow - what a refreshing post! I am 29 and childless - and you know what? I LOVE my life. I do not hate children, I too believe they should be loved, respected, and wanted. And I'm not saying I don't want them EVER - but I like my life the way it is now. I have my time to myself, which is priceless for me. I can get up and go when I want, and I truly cherish that. I respect both sides of the debate - people shouldn't be berated either way for deciding and not deciding to have children. Every decision should be made with the right intentions. I know for a fact if I had one right now, I would not be a good mother. And that's just real talk! I don't like how society makes some women feel like lepers because they don't want children. We all have to live our own lives, and I wouldn't want someone who really doesn't want children to feel forced to have them. My grandmother asks me, at least every other month, when I'm going to get married and have kids. Gawd, I think she'd pass out if I said "I don't want any." Again, I'm not saying I don't ever want them, but I know if I do - it'll just be ONE. KNOW THYSELF
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First off.. Only YOU know how you feel and what is right or wrong for you. I think that people pushing the issue are just people who still live with the reasoning women should all be married and have children and live at home with their kids and never have a career.
I never wanted kids or to get married and I have had two boys and am on my second marriage and I love my kids but I feel I could have done so much more if I had stuck to my original plan, but I also realize I would not have had a lot of the moments I did without them. So it is a toss up for me.
Maybe for you the confirmation were the events that led you to now not being able to have them. I say if your happy with your life as is, that is all that matters. I have an aunt in her 50s never had a child and never had any regrets about it and is a wonderful, kind loving, and generous woman.
The moral of the story is we should not press our issues, values on other people. We all should let each other live the way that makes us all happy.. -
Wow it's great for the people who don't regret their decision either way. I just wanted to chime back in cause I feel the need to clarify a few things.Just because a woman says she does not want to have kids doesn't mean she would be a bad mother and shouldn't have kids if she feels that way. I personally think I would be a good mom if I did want to have kids on purpose or had a baby due to failure of birth control. However I know I would be strict because in my previous marriage...my ex's nephews...I was strict around them and my exhusband always called me "mean aunt". I never thought I was mean; I just don't put up with the games that kids play with adults to see who will let them get away with whatever.Saying that... I don't care who's kid it is in my presence...I don't play those games. Like my current boyfriends neices...if I am left in charge...there is only one way how things are gonna roll...and that's my way. I have watched these girls play the parents against the grandparents and visa versa and it makes me mad when someone caves in cause there is whining about the situation at hand. The kids know who caves first and that's who they go to when someone else says "NO". Like for instance one time the mom said no and the 5yr old said to mom "well im gonna wait for grandma then and ask her!" I was like...WOW. But at least mom grabbed her by the hand and marched her off to bed. That deserved a spanking in my mind.And I am sorry for the people who want kids and cannot because of health issues. But for those of us who decide not to have kids...this does not mean we take our ability to choose lightly. I believe that we all just know one way or the other what we want.My exhusband knew how I felt and never wanted to divorce but he would not get the surgery to prevent this. He said to me "I cannot just in case we ever get a divorce, I may want to have kids with someone who does." So I was supposed to take care of all the birth control myself...some marriage...but that's another story for another group, lol!
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As a grandfather and former foster parent, I can say with confidence that people who don't want children should not make any. Before my wife and I had any children, when we were asked "When...", we responded by smiling and saying that we were planning on having a dozen children. That always got the subject changed. We only had a dozen if you counted the foster children.
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I knew I never wanted kids, as I never lliked the llittle brats, so decided to get a tubal at the age of 23. I've never regreted it since. Alot of people should never be parents, but unfortunately, they don't know that until they are parents. I have 4 cats, & they're enough work! Love my life without kids.
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I agree with you!! Raising children is not for everyone. I am a 60 year old male and have never been a father. To me it was just not that imortant. I do not have anything against children either. But I am glad you are comfortable with you situation.
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It's so good to hear people happy with their decisions and respectful of other people's decisions! I grew up thinking it was strange for people not to have children, like having children was just what you did, but as I've matured I've fixed those faulty ideas. I think there are definitely people who shouldn't have children, as well. Unfortunately, I believe that my parents are two of those people. Ttheir crappy parenting has had a huge, huge impact on me, and I'm never going to make that mistake. At this point, I'm not ready to have children. My life is about me. I don't think that's a selfish thing, I think it's necessary to go through that before you can be ready for children. And I'm enjoying it, and I can understand wanting to just continue that way and never go down the parenting road. But as time goes by I can feel the maternal part of me growing, and I think that one day I'll be a good mother. It's just there, like an instinct. I would be honoured to one day be a mother. But there is much more to a woman than just motherhood, and it's no less honourable to follow another path.
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I probably would have had kids but my first wife was unable to safely have kids; the doctor prescribed birth control methods to deal with this. My second wife didn't have children although she and her first husband intended to have them. The result of all this was that when we met some ten years ago, neither she nor I were encumbered by children that might cause distraction or interference. We both feel that probably we would not have been all that good as parents anyway. We are in our 60's and feel quite content, if only the U.S. government can steady down and get away from all that warfare and other nutty stuff. In any event I have encountered some older folks who long to see their kids, but their kids just don't come and visit. Such would be heartbreaking I would think and I'm glad we don't have to deal with that.
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Excuse me for entering the conversation
First I admire your stand and choices
there shoud be a test to be parents the trouble with children is anyone can produce them without qualificat is where the trouble starts
Second even here those who have children think and refer to the "Raising of Childreen"
If you are raising children you get children "As Ye Sow so shal ye reap"
What people need to realize is You don't raise children you raise adults. -
I am also one of those girls who have never wanted children and now that I'm married - I still have the same feelings about it and thankfully my husband doesn't want them either.
I am a passionate animal lover and spend all my free time to animal rights, welfare and fundraising for animal charities. My animals are my children and together with my husband and family give me all the love I need. -
I agree with you. I can't see myself raising kids either.
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I have kids...5 actually (some foster, some adopted, some biological) and I couldn't be happier. I just want to say Kudos to all of you that are willing to face society (and your mom lol) by realizing that children are not for you instead of having them just because someone says you should.
Good job...foster parents like me, love to hear about how there are very mature, responsible adults out there that will take precautions to ensure that there isn't another unwanted child on this planet. -
We have an overpopulated world with a lot of unwanted children, children growing up in extreme poverty, children with cruel upbringing, children forced to marry or work at a young age: so it makes me angry when people look upon childless couples with distain in today's world. I too at a young age knew I never wanted children and as a woman you are regarded as a bit of freak which is the most ridiculous reasoning. I saw the problems people have with children and the worries and I totally agree, that the minuses outweigh the pluses and too people have kids because they are pressured in doing so. Children are a serious matter and one should only have them if one is willing to sacrifice a lot.
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I just wanted to put my 2 cents worth in here. I think it is great that some people are smart enough not to have kids. I never wanted kids from a young age. However, I had my first at age 15. Love him to death. I was very young and wasn't a very good mother but I always did the best I could. The second at 21, I love her to death too. She has always been a difficult child. And now at age 46, I am raising her children when I should be able to have a life at last. I had just a taste of freedom for a few years before she decided she just couldn't do it anymore. With the first one, his father convinced me to have a few beers, I had no idea what was going on. The second, I missed a period and the doctor told me I was pregnant to stop the birth control pills. Turned out I wasn't but there was a month without protection because I thought I was already pregnant. So I got pregnant. I divorced my ex husband when I was 18. Was a single mom for 15 years. Most of my kids problems are probably because I always felt tied down although I tried not to show it. But when you have to do everything yourself there's not enough time for it all. I love to hear about people who made the decision and don't regret it.
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I am now almost 63 years old, been married twice and never wanted kids and also never ever regretted it for one minute. Besides I like children. Babies though I find tiresome and boring which is a taboo thing for a woman to say, but I hate being politically correct. I am a good loving generous person, not a monster as some people would like to believe so they can feel better about the decision to reproduce. I am just not willing to do the same thing as everyone else simply because pressure is put on society to make babies. If one is honest about it the reason people want children is for selfish motives, like continuing the family blood line, giving someone their belongings after death, creating duplicates of ourselves, giving in to our parents need to be grandparents, having lifelong friends, fear of lonliness. etc. etc. So, then it is not the childless being selfish but the the contrary. The truly unselfish people would only be those who adopt for unselfish reasons.
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you know i believe that children should definitely come with a manual. that way you know what you are in for. kids are definitely not what we were when we were their age, but at most, we who are in the thirtiesh age definitely did not have to compete with technology and all of the nonsense on tv and in video games, etc. but at the end of a very stressful day when my four year-old looks up at me with his big blue eyes and says, "mommy will you play with my feet?" I melt. I love my children so much that i would do almost anything for them. one of the most important things is teaching them about jesus and not video games. i go to school online as so to have time to spend with them. i cut out the unnecessary things and focus on my children. my friends tell me i should go out as to get a boyfriend, but i feel incomplete without my children. they are a part of me since the time they are created. as a mother there are experiences that men will never experience. being a mother is a 24 hour low paying place in society, migraines, loss of hair and nerves all together, and yet at the beginning of the day, i do it all over again and never look at what could have been. i just love my children and shake my head at my 13 year-old when she starts to mouth back. calmly i tell her that one day when she has children they will be doing the same thing to her, and blah blah blah. love being a mom. it is the only job that you do not have to interview for.
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I melt when I look at the rescue cat that I saved stick his little tongue out between his teeth to show his pure joy to at last have warmth and comfort, and listen to his purr... this truly makes my heart melt, and to nuture and protect him everyday brings fulfilling reward to me. :) -
I commend you for your decision of not having children. People who don't want children should not have them because you are likely to be a bad parent. You are not a freak or an outcast. As for your friend who brought their kids snowmobiling---why not have a discussion before the trip so both parties know what to expect. As for me, I often feel like an outcast because of my children. Most of my friends have chosen to remain single or married without children. It is if I am dead to them. I can understand that maybe you don't want to hang out and become a second Auntie---but how can you not be the least bit curious about what they look like, who they are? I only get invited to bridle showers and funerals. I infer that is what my new interests are supposed to be. Likewise, I feel that there is a strange reverse discrimination surrounding children. If I go to a family type restaurant, a beach, a plane-----I fail to see why so many adults roll their eyes at the sight of my family. Why not give us a chance before you decide we are to annoying. I can't tell you how many times adults have come to me after a plane ride or meal and commented on how well behaved everyone was. By the way they are not always perfect. I have had my share of temper tantrums to deal with. It would help if you would recall that you were once three years old and I am positive that you had an occasional tantrum. Tantrums are not a recent invention. People were a little more tolerant of each other.
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It simply isn't true that to say of people who don't want children that they'd be bad parents. It could equally be said of people who 'think' they 'want children'. Some have thought long and hard and at great depth about it and that has nothing whatsoever to do with their ability to parent. It just doesn't work like that. The world isn't simple black and white like that.
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