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Happy With My Choice

I have nothing against kids - if you really want them, you should have them but don't complain endlessly about the down side of it all after you do.  And do me the courtesy of not assuming that  I am selfish or abnormal because I don't share your enthusiasm for the little dears.  Just as some people can't imagine a good life without kids, I can't imagine  a good life  with them. 

After years of listening to women around me, including my own mother, ***** and moan about how hard it was raising kids, I decided at 20 that children were not for me either.  Fortunately, a physical condition and subsequent medical procedure rendered me permenently child-free.   I have no, and never will have, any regrets.  I have too much that I want to do in my life, things that would not be possible if I had a child to care for, including volunteering my time to help others as often as I can.  I will never have to worry about babysitters, temper tantrums in large public places, teenaged angst, drug use, unwanted pregnancy or any of the woes that can and often do accompany being a parent.  I do realize that there are many joys to being a mother, but in my case, the pluses never outweighed the minuses.

I only wish that more parents were as at ease with their decision as I am with mine.  There might be fewer abused and unwanted children in the world if that were the case.

Solidad42 Solidad42 41-45, F 108 Responses Jun 28, 2010

Your Response


I completely respect your decision and I have many friends who are childless by choice I never ever see them any different , simply in my mind people choose different things and that is what is awesome about difference, I do feel however feel that if I choose to ***** about the downsides of having children I am defiantly free to do so. I have 5 children ranging from 14 years-17months & I love them more than anything they get all of my money most of my time and they are adored in every way but sometimes I need to vent just like a normal person. There is so much good in things but there is also the little bad things and I believe that anybody who endures both has both the right to brag and to ***** :) Good on you for having a voice about your choice though many people wouldn't for fear of persecution

It's amazing how much of a lightening rod this subject is. <br />
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I particularly find the rude comments amusing. If it makes you feel righteous/powerful to call me names and denigrate my character while hiding behind an alias, knock yourself out. You're not hurting me a bit. I've lived through far worse. <br />
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To those of you who have been gracious and posted thoughtful responses, even if you didn't agree with me, thanks very much. It's great to hear a different perspective. To those of you who are of the same mind-set as I am, thank you for your support! :)

I read an article in the New England medical journal that staked the claim that having children lowers their parent's IQ and erases their social skills. Whenever I bring it up I get more flak than you could imagine. The thing is, however, that it makes sense when you think about it. When you have a baby and spend all your time with that child, watching it or learn and develop you will stop thinking like you did before. You start thinking at the baby level and spend almost all your time that way. Where do you think that will get you, you will lose IQ points if you don't keep working your brain. The social skill loss is because of the same reason. That's why parents with kids don't understand that those of us without them don't want to hear of every "amazing" thing their kid learned to do lately. Especially when everyone else that ever lived had to learn the exact same things. And they think that their children are going to be the next Einstein, like nobody else ever learned to walk, talk or not poop them self!

I wonder about something: Could the reason that people bug their friends and family to have children have to do with humans' inherent survival instincts? For every species on earth, reproduction is key to the survival of the population. It also allows a family to continue--when grandparents, aunts, cousins, and parents die, the child will be there to carry out another generation, and maybe to start a new one, ensuring that the family line won't disappear. <br />
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So, could people who have already assisted the beginning of a new generation be unconsciously or subconsciously saying to their childless friends/family members: "Hey, I noticed you haven't reproduced yet. Shouldn't you be starting another generation by now so your family will survive?"<br />
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Holes in this theory are that:<br />
1) This is invalid unless the childless person is an only child, or if they have siblings who don't have children either. If their siblings already have children, especially more than one, the family's survival is taken care of. <br />
2) The human race as a whole would not benefit from reproduction at this point. We're overcrowded and overpopulating the Earth as it is. This survival instinct is only hurting the children that we birth, because they'll have to suffer the consequences of overcrowding once we're gone. <br />
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Number 1 could be explained as a backup system (What if something goes wrong in the other children that makes them unfit for reproduction? What if they die without reproducing?). If every member of the family's current generation has a child, preferably more than one, the odds of the family line's continuation are increased. <br />
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Or, it could be part of human vanity/pride/sprituality/whatever. We all want to make a mark in the world, don't we? And most of us aren't ready to die, even when our time comes. Our children are made of us--they take their physical features from us, and what we instill in them often determines who they'll become. There is life after death, and that life is through our children. Pieces of us moving through life, leaving their mark in the world, reusing our blood in their own children. <br />
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Wow. That sounded so hokey, didn't it? <br />
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Number 2 can be explained by evolution's speed and function. When **** hits the fan, evolution steps in to catch it. Humans are overpopulating the Earth, but as of yet the negative effects of this are not widespread enough for natural selection to eliminate our need/instinct to reproduce. (This is a shame, as stupidity easily and often gets its way in this world. Since pretty much ANYBODY can survive in this world we've built, especially if they're corrupt ********, anybody can reproduce and breed a new generation of corrupt ********.)<br />
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What do you guys think? Anything to contribute? Did you see other holes in my logic? Theories of your own?

I want to have y own kids. I would have to say that there are people who should not have kids. A aunt and cousin of mine should have never had kids. They just sit on their ***** and yell at their kids. Its mo wounder that they have problems. My cousins little girl wants nothing to do with her. Her dad has her full time. I don't blame you for not wanting to have kids. Pets can be your own kid.

I understand this sentiment. I don't want children. Whenever I tell someone this they look at me like I'm some kind of crazy. They seem like way too much of a hassle and I can sometimes barely stand having an animal around. At least with animals, if they give you too much trouble, you can just give to someone else, or give them to the humane society. Children are a bit more of a permanent problem.

Solidad42, your decision is totally valid and it is YOURS. I agree with you whole-heartedly about your reasoning, and love hearing that you do spend your available time helping others. I never wanted kids. I love them but I was having a difficult enough time trying to get my life in order, let alone having to do that plus be responsible for the upbringing of others. As it turns, I have 3 girls and 2 boys ranging from 21 years old down to 5 years old. I love them dearly but there is so much I'd love to be doing yet can't because of responsibilities. <br />
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I am partly responsible for them being here and as such I provide and look out for them, but there are some days where I wish I could pick up like I used to and go do things. I love motorcycles and before kids I would often go for rides on a moments notice. Maybe those days will come again - just not right now. <br />
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It has been fun watching them grow and seeing them being kids as they make observations and decisions. It's a sacrifice - that is just part of the deal. And yes it can be stressful.<br />
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There are plenty of kids out there without a dad (or mom, or both parents) in their lives that can use someone like you to spend time with them doing things. Anything. I think that is what Big Brothers and Big Sisters is all about. People like yourself that have the free time can make the difference in someone else's life, which would not be possible if you had your own responsibilities to look after.<br />
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I hope you are having a wonderful day enjoying your life and the lives of others! This is your decision, this is what you decided, enjoy it ... and don't let anyone rain on your day! ;-)<br />
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You are just right. Better not have a child than have one and complain about it. I want to have a son one day, only one. But that if i have complish the things i want to do with myself.

i'm not sure if i want kids or not...but thankfully i'm only 20 so i have a while to decide. i talked to my boyfriend about it, & he sincerely believes that women who don't have children aren't "valuable to society", as they aren't bringing up the next generation. is that really my role in life - to breed? i don't want to make the decision to have kids because it's expected of me, but rather because i want them. <br />
plus, the idea of being a woman in her mid-30s, madly rushing around trying to find any old guy to marry & have kids with sends shivers down my spine...i never want to get that desperate. maybe one day if i can adopt a child, & bring him or her up by myself i will. but i have to be able to do it without a man if i'm not married...i'm not going to hunt one down!

Drop that ******* boyfriend of yours like a bad habit. Who the **** does think he is? As if all women are good for is breeding. Bullshit.

What bothers me is that there are so many days to "Honor" the people that weren't responsible enough to keep it in their pants or were too drunk to use protection and popped rugrats out but there are no days in the year to honor those of us who were responsible enough to not have "mistakes" who we grew to love! Where is the "Happy Singles Day!"?

omg, there are so many comments and its rated up to 77????? <br />
i wish i could write something like that... lol<br />
but seriously i totally agree with you, i think when u really want to have children, you should be prepared of whatever is forthcoming, let alone the expense, the time, facilities, education everything, if not than why involve the child to endure what he doesn't deserve, thanx for sharing, i liked reading your post :)

Ever since I can remember I didn't like the thought of having kids. When I was say around 6 years old I told my mom that when i'm older I want her to have my Babies and stay home and take care of them while I went to work. Lol can you believe my very young imagination thought of this?? I guess I was taught that you HAVE to have kids. I remember thinking that when you got married you automatically got pregnant but sex was the option. I was so backwards lol. Anyways, my point is I've never wanted to have children. I'm very perceptive to how people feel but not at all responsive to their emotions or physical pain. I'm not one to come to when seeking comfort and i'm not very apathetic. When anyone even friends of mine cry or get upset, I shut down. Honestly, I think that if I had a kid/s, I don't think I would show them enough love. I would love them but it would be tough love. Im only maternal to my animals and belongings. AS Silly a that might sound. I definitely want pets of all sorts but no little ones. I think it has to do with the fact that I hate when people constantly depend on me. Like a boy friend. I don't date for this reason. and the fact that i'm not the least bit interested in getting married or even being in a serious relationship is probably slightly related to the children thing. I'm selfish, I don't like worrying about other people, and I definitely don't like people's idea that you have to 'change' when you birth offspring. I will never be a good parent and i'm perfectly aware. oh yeah another big thing is i'm scared of being seen by everyone. And I hate attention... I don't mean any disrespect to people with children or who want them. This is just me and it's not how I see myself living. even though I absolutely adore OTHER peoples kids. To me, most kids are interesting entertaining and hilarious. I've fallen in love with a few kids in my life but I can't do it 25/8. so I love it when they go home. I really like the idea of being a teacher. Either Kindergarten or juniors or seniors. Any whoooo I hope my post helps at least one person or feel any other type of emotion. If I helped you at all, please contact me :)<br />
Thank you and may God Bless you and all the little ones.

Best decision I ever made is to never have children!

As a dad to two amazing grown kids, a grandad to my daughters son, and an uncle to the brattiest niece on earth.....I do it again in a heartbeat. I respect your views on not having kids.<br />
I do.....there were moments I wanted to choke my daughter for doing stupid things....sneaking out at 2am to see her BF or getting into the drugs. But there are moments I cherish as well....watching my son ride without traiing wheels for the first time. Holding my daughter in my arms after not seeing her for over a year from overseas. Watching my niece try her first time behind the wheel at 14. So I guess you get the good with the bad as well. It's funny how life works out like that

I think it takes a strong person to realize they do not want children, and not allow themselves to get talked into something they know wouldn't make them happy. There are enough kids in the world who grow up feeling unloved and unwanted. As one of those grown up children myself, I can tell you how crappy it makes you feel.<br />
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I never had the "dream" of having kids while I was growing up. When I was 22, I got pregnant with my daughter and the decision of whether or not to have kids was answered. I love my daughter to death, but wish I had waited. 22 is young to have kids. And while I love both of my kids, I don't think the subject of having kids is something that no one has the right to judge or pressure another one into.

Singing to the choir, not for everyone. Don't understand why people with kids always feel compelled for you to join "their club"

I do not have kids and I'm 46. I don't regret it. I felt my help could be better put as an Aunty and extra hands. Its worked out well. My mother didn't guilt trip me about having a child either

You took the words right out of my mouth. I agree with you 100%

I as a woman who has always believed she was meant to be a mother agree's with you 100%. From my perspective I care about people to much to want a child, or even the irresponsible parents' lives ruined by a baby being born into a family that will treat it badly. No one needs that. I respect people who make their own decisions. I am pregnant and have had the longing for motherhood since before I was 10. But that is me. I wouldn't be having this child if I didn't want to love this child and give it my all. Plus I also hate temper tantrums and that is why I believe in discipline and in NOT bringing small kids to things like vacations. It is stupid, a waste of money and a nuisance for EVERYONE there. There are way too many lazy parents and spoiled brats out there.

I think it's a good thing to set your beliefs, many people deny their true feeling and end up harming others because of it. Though if i were to say something else it would be that we change constantly, and at 20 years old, it's hard to set anything in stone, things will always be there to come along and change your ways, whether you like it or not, they can have a hard impact for good

People should carefully consider parenthood. Many don't. I think most of our problems originate there.

I think you are correct, I would assume lot peoples are actually not prepared for parent hood

Does it matter people whinge and moan about their kids, having them, not having them.. I don't know. It seems like people are damned if they do and damned if they don't. I guess I"m saying that its quite ok to have kids, just as it is quite ok not to have them, for whatever reason, medical, lifestyle choice, religion.. whatever. People are free to choose how they want to live their lives. They also, unfortunately, can choose to ***** and moan about those choices. Sometimes people just want to be heard, share their feelings, their misfortunes, or just share the load. The weight of their feeling can sway all so swiftly from venting and sharing to whingeing, whining and almost victimising themselves. And that is hard to stomach for most people. I try to practise some good manners and healthy compassion when i get into those situations that i find hard to continue, I then follow it with a little sides step right out of there.

I totally respect your decision :)<br />
I'm sorta the opposite. I want kids and I absolutely love them. But I feel like it's a personal choice whether or not to have kids. I have friends who actually admit to me that they abhor kids lol, and that's the way they feel about it and no one should change that. Having kids is a big deal and yes they can be a pain but it's the parent's responsibility for bringing them here, not theirs. I feel like if one does want them, he/she should be prepared, financially, emotionally, etc. and have planned having the kid. Everyone says you can't be ready for kids but there's a huge difference in the kid's welfare when the parent has a stable home, mind, income. Anyways, again, I totally respect your decision because of its logic and because it is so essentially unselfish in nature. Take care.

strange how we forget that we were ever kids. if your parents hadnt wanted kids, you would not exist. kids are just young adults wanting to be trained for the world.

"if your parents hadnt wanted kids, you would not exist" What's your ******* point? None of us asked to exist. Self-centered breeders forced us into existence.

I just went to a funeral last Wednesday, it was a woman who didn't have kids, she was very old, had no one to take care of her, so she spent her last days on a nursing home. On her funeral the only family of her there was a sister and a niece and then the rest where from her church and a choir she belonged to. That made me think on the great gift that it is to be able to have children, raise a person with the values and principles you learned, maybe that person can change the world.....I would like to have children one day, because there's great blessing on that. I asked a mom how do you learn all those stuff on how to take care of kids, she told me that it's if like God gives you the handbook along with the baby. I also think that is not for everyone, but you see the great results when you get old and you only have your kids. It's my opinion.

Having offspring is no guarantee that they will like you or even be around to care for you in old age, moron.

When my husband and I got together, we both agreed that we didn't want to have children. We had both helped raise our siblings and had enough by the time we were 17 and on our own. And, no, it's not because we don't love children, because we do, we just knew that it wouldn't be right for us, and being an epileptic, I was having enough of a time, taking care of myself. <br />
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But, one thing that we have done, which I love is that we adopted what we call "surrogate" children. And no, not in the official sense, but in the personal, emotional sense. As our friends were raising <br />
their teenagers, some of them had common issues, and the kids were having a hard time opening <br />
up or even getting along with their parents. So, our door was always open. We knew the parents as<br />
good friends, and we told them that their children were always welcome in our homes. <br />
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For example, there is one young man who we've known since he was 8, as he became a teenager,<br />
he had some problems in school and with his stepfather, so we invited him to come stay with us for a while. If nothing else, come hang out with us in the afternoon/evening and know that he could talk to us about anything and everything, and we would offer love & advise. He did stay with us on a number of occasions, and he knew that he had a second home. If he needed to, he could call, or come talk to me at my office, and anything that we talked about would be between him and me. His parents were very grateful as we took some of the pressure off of them, and I was able to make the relationships between them and their son easier. So, everyone benefited. I got a wonderful "son" who now has two sets of "parents" and we are all great friends. Although he is all grown up now, he still comes to me for help and advise. We have about 6 kids like this, and I couldn't be happier to have been able to help, and I love them all as though they were my own children!!

I have to applaud your honesty. I, myself, have 3 children whom I love dearly and wanted to have very much, but realize my choice isn't for everyone. To me it is far more unfair to the child for a woman to have a baby because she thinks she should, rather than because she wants to take on the challenging, humiliating, most wonderful ride of her life. Don't let others make you feel guilty...if that is how you feel, then you have made the correct decision for you!

i also don't want to have children. it's good to know that i'm not the only one out there.<br />
i also don't think that people should have there own children. there are plenty in foster care who is waiting to get adopted

I have to say this the way I feel it and please don't take offense but you sound a bit bitter. Raising children is a lot like any other life experience. It's going to have it's ups and downs. Yeah, it's hard but also rewarding. Fellow moms understand what I mean. And while we may complain about the hard parts, we also share the good stuff, which there is a lot of.<br />
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It is not for everyone, I know. My friend decided that for herself, too. so if you don't want kids, it's fine. You're at an age that even if you could conceive you'd likely have a rotten egg baby anyway. But just know that there are a lot of parents who take pride in raising children who will one day be contibuting to society in a positive way.

Stop trying to sell your breeder BS.

"Just know that there are a lot of parents who raise children who will one day be murders, rapists, racists, sexists, and homeless. They will be contibuting to society in a negative way" Fixed.

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I am 5 ft 7 ( almost 8) and live in Texas, but I would like to move to a cooler State if that is possible.<br />
If you the type of young lay I am lookig for is RARE.<br />
If you are interested please see my profile at christiandatingforfree dot com. My screen-name there is GodsTruthAlways.<br />
Thanks for your time.

Ditto. I am in my early 40's never been pregnant and I know I made the right choice for me. I've never wanted children.