Don't Have It In Me

I have wanted to tell someone, anyone about my story for a long time.  I do not want children, but no one in my life can accept this.  I am lucky in that I am physically unable to concieve without expensive fertility treatments.  I have told my fiancee, my mom and my grandmother I do not want children and due to my severe POCS don`t have to worry about contraceptive methods.  When they heard this they just poo pooed me and told me that I would change my mind.  My grandmother even went so far as giving me 40,000 dollars to begin the invitro I will need to concieve.  I don`t want to disappoint my family, but I will never be a good mother, I don`t have it in me.  I am very overweight and so is my fiancee and we struggled with bullying and severe self image issues, why create a child destined to suffer a life of weight control issues and the self esteem problems that come along with it.  We have mental illness on both sides of the family.  I am a Social Worker, I have seen first hand what an unwanted child looks like, I do not want to make one.

I am now in a situation of trying to give my 92 year old grandmother her money back..........and dealing with the guilt trips that that brings.
BettySpaghetti1 BettySpaghetti1
5 Responses Dec 20, 2010

I have to say, if you feel so strongly that you dont want kids, you really should be firm about that decision. Nobody else has to live your life other than you, so what they think doesn't really matter. I had fears about having children, like you do. When I fell pregnant I was very worried. And my worries have ended up coming true. There is a positive side for me - I really do love my son with all of my heart, and so we'll make it work as best we can. But I think the point is... everyone was pressuring me to have kids too, and at the end of the day, it's only you who is going to live the reality. Your life, your choice. Good luck... and I think just give the money back. Have your husband prepped up to back you up, and if people are so rude they dont get it, then get rude back and stop caring.

You definitely have your head on straight. I was an unwante, unplanned accident after 19 years of marriage. I grew up an only child with an alcholic father. Also with comments like "I wish you had never been born", and "I wish you would die." I was physically and emotionally abused. Having a child is an important thing. It is not like gettiing a pet.

I am a Mum and I know how hard it is raising kids when you are 100% certain that you want them. So many just have them because it is expected and the "norm". Dont feel bad about having made a decision that is the right one for you and your fiance just because your extended family thinks you should do something different. Only you know what is right for you and while it may be hard to deal with other peoples reactions, stick to the path you have chosen! The choice not to have children can be changed down the track, but you can never choose to NOT have them once they have arrived!

I don't think I was made for kids either. But I honestly havent given it a lot of thought. I know for sure that I'm nowhere ready for that responsibility now, but enough about me, sorry. The thing is you know your mind and your body better than anyone and as artdeco said it's a very thoughtful and courageous decision. I know it's very tough trying to deal with family and friends when they have this map of your life and how you just don't know your way around that map, (you didn't create ie) and it's as if they wish to say we don't know our lives and ourselves well enough to make sound enough decisions on matters life these for ourselves. I am glad that you have come to the decision that you did feeling the way you do about things, and if you ever did change your mind, you'd be a much better than many because the thought that you put into it, but it should be something you decide for yourself without pressure from your family and I'm sorry you have to endure the stress of that situation. I do hope that you are able to soon get your point across to your family and that you are able to soon find yourself free of any sense of guilt you are feeling.

Kudos to you for caring about your unmade children - I wish more people would think like that. And please don't let anyone persuade you otherwise. Choosing not to have children is often a tough path to take - just about everyone will voice their opinion on it, and most of us in this group have heard all the (extremely clichéd) arguments by now - but it sounds to me like you've made a very well-considered decision. Some people do change their minds, of course, but from what you've written I'm not hearing the voice of doubt. Take care and good luck with granny!