Never Wanted Them, Almost In The Clear

I grew up never wanting children. Like most of you I been told a million times "You'll change your mind" "You HAVE to have a baby" "I can't imagine life without my child/ren" "You will never know love until you have a baby"

I have watched all my friends transition into mothers and fathers. I have done my best to stay your friend. I have listened to you brag about how smart your kid is even when he keeps getting his head stuck in the banister. I have bit my tongue when you say how well mannered your child is even though a feral monkey on crack is better behaved. I listen to you tell me over and over that I "will never understand what it's like"

You know what? No, I don't know what it's like, but I sure recognize the arrogance displayed in your tone. If I wanted to be a part of your little "I'm better than you because I have a kid" club I would of joined years ago. There is a world outside that of you and your child. I'm more than willing to be a part of your world if you would be willing to step outside yours once in a while and be in mine.

There is no compromise with parents. Now into my 30s I find it extremely hard to socialize with people my own age because they are all parents. Meeting new people always starts and ends the same: "Do you have any children? Your don't? Well if you'll excuse me I have to talk to someone who DOES because I can't compare my kids achievements against yours in an attempt to one-up you" (Obviously that isn't literally said, but you get the gist)

I never wanted kids, I never had kids and now I feel like a social leper because of it. Socializing with people 10-15 years younger than me because they are the only non-judgmental people who can engage in a conversation that isn't centered on children is taking it's toll on me.

lillhammer78 lillhammer78
31-35, F
7 Responses Nov 20, 2011

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I am sorry to read that you have had such a negative experience with friends with kids. It makes me feel all the more lucky to have the friends I do, even where they and I have a seismic difference of lifestyle choice ;-)

I've only rarely had *that* awkward conversation where a friend tries to tell you that you are making a chronic mistake by not having children, once (I set her straight, with a measured response and she's not 'gone there' since). All of my other friends with kids totally respect my decision, and it only ever gets talked about IF I bring it up, and even then they listen and don't judge.

I spend time with them with their children and I love that time, I play with their children and feel privileged to be called Aunty - but I am also glad it's not me having to get up and feed them in the middle of the night. Importantly, we also spend time together without the children and I cherish that time too and so do they - because they get to be themselves again - not 'mummy', and in that context they are there as the exact same friend from before the babies.

Like any friendship, children or no children, there has to be give and take. Those of us without children have to accept that our friends with kids will have different priorities esp in the earlier days. They may need to cancel and postpone our catch-ups through no fault of their own, and so long as this isn't a frequent occurrence that's OK. Just like they need to realise that us childfree won't want to hear about every bowel movement of their child. But, in my experience great friendships can be maintained.

I am in the latter half of my 30s and my biological clock still hasn't kicked in - and I am relatively sure it's not going to. I am not sure if I've over-thought the whole thing, or if it's just one of those things and I simply don't have the maternal gene. But one thing I am sure of, I would much rather go through life without children and be a little unsure, than have them and be unable to cope.

They say that couples who don't have children are closer than couples who do.

Thank you for your story, lillhammer78! I was compelled to read it because of how much I relate to this topic and I was curious of what others my age had to say. I am also in my 30s, and my bf and I do not want children. I have had similar experiences, and because many of my friends went down the kid route, our friendship has pretty much ceased because we just don't relate anymore.

But I do wish them the best. I had a friend who actually judged my happiness because I was choosing to not have children. I had to let our friendship go. Today, my bf and I are very happy with no children and we are more focused on our careers and just taking care of us. If anyone want to think it selfish for that, that's your problem.

Also, I can relate with your story when you say that you can't relate with people your age. My friends today are all in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s. None of them judge me and try to tell me what to do with my own life. I choose to not hang out with people who feel the need to brag about their children and assume they are better than others because they decided to spread their legs. Sorry, but for some it is the ugly truth. They chose to do that and now they complain because they have to raise it and they are struggling.

Anyways, not to ramble. Again, thanks for the post.

Do you find that people almost look at you as though you are truly not humane? Like there is something wrong with you and you are probably a psychopath or something. It drives me insane!

You are just like me. I like you. Cheers to you!

Well said!!!! Ditto!

All I know is I just don't want the responsibility of raising children. I have a feeling someone may tell me I sound selfish for saying it, but even if it is, I don't care.