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I Don't Want Kids...what's Your Problem With That?

I may be young (20) but I decided long ago that I wouldn't have children. My reasons include having a phobia of pregnancy and childbirth (as I have mentioned elsewhere, I even have nightmares about it), feeling claustrapobic when picturing motherhood, a short temper and lack of patience, depression and anxiety issues, wanting things from life which would be harder with a child there and being someone who seriously cannot cope without enough time to herself. I don't hate kids, I would much rather be a nice auntie than a mother though. I don't believe it's what life has intended for me (well, biology has but mentally I don't think I'm mother material).

I'd like to get married one day, and I do have a wonderful boyfriend. He said to me we'll wait and see if we're together in about ten years, as he would never dream of having kids before then anyway, and if I still feel the same way then we'll just do something else with our lives together. If we get to that point and he is adament on having kids all of a sudden while I'm not then it'd mean we were not meant to be really in the end.

I totally understand why many people do want children. The love a parent has for their child in my eyes is the strongest love there is. People may want to experience that special kind of love for themselves. People may want to live out all the big events in a child's life they'd experience. People may want to shape someoen and watch them go out into the world with all they've given them and watch them make them proud. I never ever talk down on other women for wanting children, as long as you raise your kids to be good citizens and to have manners then I have no problems.

But I have seen some really patronising and annoying comments including:

*Oh you'll change your mind when you're older.
*All women want to have babies at some point.
*Don't you want to pass down your genes?
*You'll end up having five kids, I know it. Just you wait.
*How could you not want kids? That's weird!
*What'll you do when your boyfriend/husband says he wants kids?

And some downright rude comments:

*You're not fulfilling your duty as a woman by not having kids.
*You're not fulfiling your debt to society by not having kids.
*Women are designed to be nurturers so therefore you're unnatural.
*You're going to die alone.
*Because of people like you our country's native people will die out as immigrants are filling most of the population now.
*God you should just be glad your mother didn't share your views!
*Your life is going to be empty and meaningless, it's kind of sad really.
*Ugh you feminists are ruining society!
*People like you mean that *my* kids are going to have to pay for you when you reach old age instead.
*People like you are selfish and letting down your genetic train that's been going for thousands of years.
*You're just selfish, you don't want kids because you'd rather be able to go out and get drunk every night rather than be a responsible parent.

I just think this is rude. I respect the choices of others but they're so rude about mine. Who knows, maybe in ten years will change and I may have a child or two. I can't predict the future. However I feel it is unlikely. Why do some people refuse to accept that life can be just as rewarding without children. It just depends on who you are and how you feel about children. I think parenthood is not the right path for everyone and those who don't have kids are not to be pitied as their lives are just as fulfilling *to them*. Some people's lives would be empty without children, and these are the people that *do* go on to have children. Those who want kids but are unable to have my sympathies as that's very tragic for them .

I just think nobody should be socially pressured into having kids. I think being childfree is much better than people like myself having children and neglecting them. There are examples in wild animals where the mothers abandon, neglect and even kill their own offspring. There's people who have had children out of pressure who resent the child for it and don't show them the affection they need to grow up with a healthy mind. I don't want to be a bad mother, I don't believe I have it in me. I am just not right for it.

Not all women fit this maternal stereotype for our gender. Biology intended a lot of things that we don't follow anymore. Humans have also developed traits that the other animals don't or don't have quite to our level, even when it comes to reproduction. We as humans don't (usually) go out and start reproducing as young as we can and have baby after baby with various different mates. We wait for times suited to us, we plan how many children we want if any, we find someone we believe will be there with us through it all. We have already changed so much about reproduction so women not wanting children isn't really so shocking.

 

DoktorSchnitzel DoktorSchnitzel 18-21, F 30 Responses Aug 3, 2009

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Ask doctor to disable your reproduction so you are not going to have children forever.

I completely agree!!! I'm 20 and I never ever wanted kids. I don't hate them but I don't want anything to do with them. I basically raised my younger brother when I was 11 through 18 so I have already had my fill on kids. I love him with all my heart but not enough to do it over again.

Holy crap!! People have told you this?!!! Geez....and they're the ones that ***** all the time about parents being lazy, stupid, and irresponsible.

i am a 37 year old childless woman by choice. im a great aunt! im great with kids and when people see me with a child they say " why dont you have a baby? you would be a great mom!" umm no i wouldnt, i know that already. the reason i am good with kids is i only have to be around them a little bit then i can send them home to mommy and daddy!! trust me being a mom to my dog and two hamsters is enough responsability for me. i love my freedom and i know i couldnt take being a parent so i will remain childless. i dont call that being dumb or having something wrong with you i call it being resposible!!

Wait, you DON'T want a three pound meatloaf keeping you up for nights on end for months, possibly years, the sound of screams and cries in your head for years when you don't keep them 100% pleased, the theft of your social and love life, your hard-earned money being used up on baby food diapers and other things, never being able to think about yourself anymore, gaining weight, cellulite, and stretchmarks, geez WHAT is wrong with you?

'I just think nobody should be socially pressured into having kids. ' - I completely, 100% agree. I have had the same sort of pressure as you (but let me just say this: some of the comments you posted above were absolutely vile and smacked of ignorance). I'm 34 and still don't want kids, so I'm probably never going to want to now. I'm single and celibate at present, and entirely happy with that. I am NOT scared of 'dying alone' as some people would like to try and frighten us by saying. I am a very independent woman, I enjoy my own company, I know my own mind, and I'm happy with my current life path. <br />
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As I say to mothers who question my choice: 'You've made your choice, I don't question that. Please don't question my choice, just respect it.'

> *You'll end up having five kids, I know it. Just you wait.<br />
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No, you will end up having 10 kids and become a mother-heroine, and will get a medal for this, handed in to you personally by the U.S. President. Just wait :)))<br />
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> Why do some people refuse to accept that life can be just as rewarding without children.<br />
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Children is the closest equivalent of "biological immortality" that this body can achieve. While it is one of the meanings of life, but it's not THE meaning of life. Just like "helping others" is not really the meaning of life, just (on of) many means for achieving it. If you feel that you cannot do it properly, and that this will not bring you closer to the goal, certainly do not set yourself up for failure.

This is a joke, right?

No one has the right to talk to you that way! I find it revolting! I have a son, but I would never ever say anything liket hat to anybody, who caresif you don't want kids...thats your choice and people are just ignorant!

GOOD FOR YOU, for knowing yourself. There are so many people who mindlessly go down the path of marriage and parenthood, just because it is expected. I blame religion. The planet will have 7 billion by the end of the month, isn't that enough? Don't we have enough bad parents?

I don't have the patience to deal with or take care of kids either. Actually to be honest, if there was suddenly some kind of apocalypse and then there was only myself and one woman on the Earth, because of how badly I don't want kids, I would say, "Hello extinction here I come.". When you get those annoying, or rude comments, all you have to do is give a good response back that isn't as rude as the comment you were given, but still shuts the person up about it. Unfortunately I can't think of any at the moment. The only ones that would shut them up would be rude. <br />
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If you tell them your reason why and they can't accept it, then just ignore them because they can't make your decisions for you and if they try, then you should just tell them to shut up about it.

That's what I try to do :) I just have to remember that if they can't cope with my choice being different to theirs then they are the ones with the issues.

That is good. I agree that if they can't accept your decision, then they are the ones with issues and not you.

Supernatural rocks.

Woah too much to read...<br />
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Err I don't have a problem with it...your life *shrugs and walks off*

*rolls eyes* you reading this story or even this lame comment was completely unrequired.

It's too bad the reply of a comment can't come with a like button.

I'm sorry to hear you have trouble reading longer amounts of text, that must be quite a handicap for you. Don't worry I am sure there are much more simple things to read on your level elsewhere though! ;)

I feel the same way. Ignore other's ideas, as they are simply ideas, it's your life, and it's you who can take the ultimate decision. In my eyes, children are annoying, time consuming, and I am way too selfish to share my life with one. In the end, it will be you dealing with the spawn of Satan.

Thanks :) while I don't hate children, I have way too little patience with them to have my own. If it makes others happy to have them then that's great but I think I'd be better off without them.

I could not agree with you more. I've been happily married for over 30 years and we never wanted children and we have no regrets! We all have the right to live our lives as much as we are able to.

Just shows that the "you'll change your mind one day when you're older" and the "you'll change when you meet the right guy" responses are rubbish :)

First of all, it's your body and your choice and nobody should judge you for whatever your decision is. I am sorry for all the rude, patronizing and annoying comments.<br />
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Having said all that, a few things came to mind. It's important that if you decide to get married, that you and your spouse are on the same page. But oddly enough, I never wanted (but was not against the idea oh having) kids, and never considered myself "maternal". <br />
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I had no idea that my husband was against having kids until I had delivered my first of two. He has been pretty much been an absent father (doesn't guide them re a life path, financially, or educationally and chooses working over attending school functions, never taught them how to ride a bike, etc.), but I cannot fathom the thought of not having my two precious ones. Honestly, I never knew what true love was, until I became a mother. My heart totally breaks for those who want kids, but cannot adopt or conceive, given what I now understand.<br />
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I wish you the best, regardless of whatever path you choose. It's your life to live.

First of all, it's your body and your choice and nobody should judge you for whatever your decision is. I am sorry for all the rude, patronizing and annoying comments.<br />
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Having said all that, a few things came to mind. It's important that if you decide to get married, that you and your spouse are on the same page. But oddly enough, I never wanted (but was not against the idea of having) kids, and never considered myself "maternal". <br />
<br />
I had no idea that my husband was against having kids until I had delivered my first of two. He has been pretty much been an absent father (doesn't guide them re a life path, financially, or educationally and chooses working over attending school functions, never taught them how to ride a bike, etc.), but I cannot fathom the thought of not having my two precious ones, knowing what I know now. Honestly, I never knew what true love was, until I became a mother. It's not something you can explain or convince someone of...it's an ephiphany. My heart literally breaks for those who cannot conceive that want to or cannot adopt, knowing what I now understand.<br />
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I wish you the best, regardless of whatever path you choose. It's your life to live.

Your comment showed up twice lol.

Thanks for your comment :)

It's interesting when those who have children comment (without flaming which I appreciate!).

I have always made sure that when I start seeing someone I slip the fact that I don't want kids casually into conversation. I don't expect every guy I see to be "the one" but I don't like to waste my time in relationships that have a definite expiration. My boyfriend knows how I feel about children, I've made it as clear as possible that he should not stay with me simply expecting to change my mind,

People should always be honest about this as it's not fair on their partner and children. Despite this I am glad your children make you so happy, I do agree that the love between parent and child is the strongest known to mankind. If I had children I would probably love them, but love doesn't always mean happiness and a depressed and easily broken mother wouldn't be great (plus my pregnancy/childbirth phobia doesn't help!),

I too feel strong sympathy for those who do want children but physically can't, I often wish I could trade with them for as far as I know I am capable of having them. I could never be a surrogate though, pregnancy/childbirth fears!

Thank you for being so polite, I respect people who make either choice as long as they respect me :)

*God you should just be glad your mother didn't share your views!* Comments like this are ba<x>sed on the assumption that everyone enjoys existence. I'd never be guilty of forcing anyone to come into this world. Any breeder that tells a CF person that they're selfish needs to look in the mirror. There are never any unselfish reasons for breeding. **** breeders.

Or they are based on some weird imaginary belief that because you exist, you are obligated to give that to someone else, who would never exist otherwise.

I'm with you on not wanting to have children. I have had people say stuff like, "Oh, you'll change your mind when you meet the right man," or "Having a baby is the best gift you can give a man." If he is the right man, then he'd understand that I don't want kids and be ok with that. The best gift that I can give a man is myself. I'm not saying that I am God's gift to men, I'm just saying that having me in his life should be a gift, because without me, he wouldn't even have the opportunity to have kids unless he was with another woman. I hope that made sense.

Stick to your truth. Too many people have kids...can't cope with it...regret it and take it out on their kids....<br />
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If you want some contact with a young person..but not a full time committment..you can always volunteer at children's charity

Comments like those are seriously annoying.

I always loved the one "You'll die alone." right after "Who will take care of you in your old age?" My observation with both of these lies and false arguments is that: 1) most of the time kids move far away from their parents leaving the parents to fend for themselves anyway, and 2) the kids when they grow up don't want anything to do with "caring for" their elderly parents anyway.

And the fact we ALL die alone.

OMG! I am in my late 30's now & STILL have to listen to this crap! I have never wanted to breed & that is my choice. I don't ask my married friends why they had to have kids! Funny thing is THIS: When I ask them why they had to have children, they can never give me a decent answer. People are like sheep. Their parents had kids, so did their siblings, so they do it without thinking. So many parents regret their decision, but by then it's too late & very taboo to admit you regret having your 'beautiful children.' Pffffft! My ovaries will never be used for breeding & if you don't like that, well that's too bad. Jealous much? I spend my $$$ on ME, not my kids. Never want them. Will never have them. AMEN.

It's nice to see so many people agree with me or respecting my views. I would never ever go to a woman and tell her she's stupid for having children but somehow people think it's ok for them to tell me I am stupid for making the opposite choice :( the support is great, I am still strongly against having children. I am sure I can be a nice cool auntie rather than the psycho distant mother I'd be if I had kids.

All those rude and patronizing comments are sexist in themselves.The one who called you a feminist is one hell of a hypocrite too!I Have a phobia of pregnancy too.God I thought I was the only one in the world like that.I find it stupid as hell when a woman wants more children than she can handle emotionally,physically and financially.There are women having LITTERS of children to make up for people like us not wanting kids,and then some.I think they're paranoid that if they change their minds after kids,they see themselves as bad people.And when they do,they take it out on people like us because they're jealous that they are not free from the hell children cause around them.I'm like you though.I'd rather be the auntie,not the mommy.I've already spent most my youth on taking care of my mom and having a reverse role,so I don't need anything harder to mess with my hormones and feelings.

I agree. As of know I don't want children and I don't feel like anyone should be pressured into having kids so they can fit society's standards of what it means to be a woman. I really find comments like "its the greatest gift you can ever give", or" its the greatest feeling in the world", or "this is what you were put on this earth to do" or "this is what makes me a woman" annoying and patronizing, all of which I have had people tell me. That's your opinion that its the greatest thing in the world, it's not true for everybody. You can have an amazing and productive life without having kids, just like you can if you do have kids.

I think you have made a very adult decision at sucha young age (fear I guess) and see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Its better to know yourself earlier on in life rather than later in fact I wish more women would make conscious decisions about motherhood then maybe there would be less child abuse/neglect cases and disfuctional adults as a result of their f***ed up childhood. I don't believe every women was meant to have children because relistically the world be overly populated and as we've already estabblished not everyone is cut out for the job. Whether you decide to have children in the near or distant future is neither here nor there so to any opinionated arseholes who wanna pass judgement you tell them to MIND THEIR OWN cos its nobody's BUSINESS but yours. Love Moi x

some of those comments are awful. I guess in an anonymous forum people say anything.

I completely understand! I get the same attitude from people. You dont happen to live in pa do you? I just turned 35 and have been dating my husband since I was 20. Recently he is really pressuring me to have kids. When you date someone make sure you are up front with them and tell them you dont want kids. I made the assuption that because he was a guy he wouldnt care either way. Well it turns out that he wants kids more than anyone I know and its causing a problem in our marriage now. I get the same comments you get all the time and I dont think its fair either the pressure people put on you because they assume everyone is having kids. If I could go back I would have faced this early on and been very upfront with everyone in telling them I am definitely not having kids. I too have a frea of chidbirth and have nightmares about it. That is when I knew I didnt want to be pregnant. Everyone else says they have dreams about having kids...well I have nightmares. Good luck and I hope people understand what you are going through.

I feel quite like you do.<br />
Recently, my sister stayed with me for two weeks, and she has a 2-year-old. It was fun at first being an aunt to the kid, but after a week, I felt frustrated whenever my sister wasn't in the room, because I couldn't take my eyes off the kid for even half a minute (he discovered the fun of throwing things out the window among other things).<br />
Kudos to the people that want kids and are willing to dedicate all of their time to bringing them up! It's a lot of work...<br />
Of course, my sister also said that my opinion would change as soon as I gave birth myself (a concept I find horrifying).<br />
I seriously think that not all women were meant to be mothers, and there isn't anything wrong with that. It sounds just like the natural diversity of human beings.<br />
But there's never a reason to let other people decide for you. Best of wishes to you!

i felt EXACTLY the same as u.. and then accidently fell pregnant.. it was soon too late to think about abortion coz every1 got told and alot of people would fall out with me BIG TIME if i even so much of thought about it..but when i went for my first scan n actually saw it, something changed and i dont know why..it was a confusing feeling..

I don't think it's wrong not to have kids. I have twin boys a lil girl i couldn't see my life without them. I just can't imagine someone not wanting kids. but then again some people who do shouldn't and child birth isn't that bad i pushed out twins. then did it again.