I Never Want To Have Children!

wow, first of all- Im so relieved to find other people who feel the same way! I have never wanted children in my life, for several reasons. First of all, Im really indipendet. I like the freedome to do what I want and go where I want without having to find a babysitter. Secondly, Im really career oriented, Ive wanted to be a scientist (cognitiv neuroscience) my whole life, and a kid would be a real drawback. How could I balance a child and my dream? I would either have to tone down my work, quit- or my favourite choice- not have any kids! And when I see all those kids who cry and whine in shops because they dont get something they want. Teenagers!! And the fact that studies have shown that people who have children are less happy than people without children.


My family, friends, even teachers and people who hardly know me think Im a terrible and silly person for thinking something so dumb that I dont want to have kids. I have even been called selfish for not wanting a child. And when I teel people they always tell me that im going to die lonely if I dont have any children, and that I will change my mind when my "biological clock" thicks in. People seem to think its a fase and that Im going to snap out of it sometime soon. I may be young, but I know in my heart that children are not for me. I think children can be cute, and I love telling stories and fairytales to my younger siblings, I love how imaginative kids can be- but I dont want one in my house.

When I grow up (or at least when I grow older I kinda have grown up already), I want to devote my life to my work. I want to travel. I want to have a free economy. I dont want the responsibility of having kids. And I know this is hard for my family and friends to understand. My mum keeps telling me that one day I will find the real meaning in life (which isnt career and freedome but husbands and childrens). I dont see it happening. I never wanted children, and now that many of my friends are getting married and engaged and pregnant, I dont think "me too". But I feel pretty isolated from them. The people I used to get wasted with are suddenly all into wedding dresses and baby clothes. I dont feel like I can relate to them, I feel rather like an outcast. But Im pretty certain that children will never make me happy, its rather the opposite.


After I wrote this I have realized something. When I wrote this I tried to explain it by giving logical reasons as to why I dont want children- but the real reason isnt logical, or well kinda, but its mostly emotional. Yes all of those things above are true, but the real reason- the biggest reason and the only one that truly matters- is that I simply just dont want to have kids. Thats all the reason I ever need. I just dont want to.

NerdyBirdy NerdyBirdy
26-30, F
34 Responses Mar 27, 2010

I agree with you. It would just build up and worsen my financial burden. I would rather focus on my future career and live with no boundaries.

I totally agree with you! I told my dad about the same thing and he's trying to change my mind. He said I'll never get married and he thinks he failed as a parent, which is very ludicrous. The bottom line is I want to be free and do whatever makes me happy, and children are not it. I never want that responsibility in my life.

Thank you artdeco and frenchangle4jr for insightful and supportive comments:)

I'm 38 and I've known that I didn't want to have kids since I was six years old (I remember telling my friends in the playground that I wouldn't be having children, believe it or not!). And absolutely nothing has changed. My significant other has two, and that's enough for me. So to all those who say to you "you'll change your mind", well, you might, but I'm living proof that you might not, too! Along with many other people in this group. And whatever anyone says here, you're not a "worse" person for it. You're a different person, and having kids or not having kids has nothing to do with what makes a person "good" or "bad", or even "selfish". There are quite clearly good and bad - and selfish - people in both groups, and indeed we can see that from just reading the posts here.<br />
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Good luck with whatever YOU choose, because it's YOUR choice and no-one else's!

I simply couldnt agree with you more DamageCtrl

It's okay...I feel the exact same way. People keep telling me I will change my mind later in life, and quite honestly, the idea of starting to want children scares me. As if I will suddenly turn into one of those mom-bies - lumbering around semi-conscious, going "baaaayyyybiiiieeezzzz..."<br />
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But I digress. You need not be ashamed of it - It's people who think that you should change yourself to fit their ideals who ought to be. Some people should really learn to deal with the fact that not everyone will reproduce.

thanks for the comment ladysora. I agree with you so much. I also get really really annoyed when people tell me I will change my mind. I mean, they dont know what goes on in my head or what I feel when it comes to having kids. I have a lot of pros and cons reasons on why I shouldnt or dont want to have kids. But the only reason that truly matters, is that I just dont want kids.<br />
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lol, yes, yes they are;D

It does not matter your age. I agree with you, if you know in your heart that you do not want kids, then you do not wants kids. people tell me similar things all the time, but I know that I do not want kids. <br />
I can not stand it when people say that I will change my mind when I get older, NO! or when I get married. You can be married and not have kids. <br />
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And yes, people without kids are ALOT happier then those with kids! :-)

Never say never ;)

Good for you! It's nice to see a level headed young lady who understands that children are not for her. Too many young girls end up pregnant and leave the kids with their grandparents and go out and party. I'm glad you see the big responsibility and trouble that comes with having kids. And if it's a responsibilty you don't want it's great that you realize it.

Oh wow, it looks like your story has caused quite a stir... Don't let people get to you though. Ever since I was about 14 or so I knew I didn't want to have kids and I've heard that old line about "well, you're still young, you'll change your mind" over and over. I'm 27 and I still hear that from people. I often wonder if I'll still be hearing it at 50. It's freakin annoying but I guess it's just in some people's nature to assume they know how to run your life better than you do. But you know what you want (and in this case, what you DON'T want) so you just live your life the way you see fit.

I didnt read all the comments so this may have been mentioned so consider this:<br />
1. you can have a kid at like 30, 35 idk and youll already have an established career..<br />
2. kids **** me off to but they can b great (i think) but more importantly, u r in controll, they dont need to be brats or stupid teens, you can raise them well.. you seem very smart to me, and what would the world be if only idiots without careers had kids!!! It'd be a mess, you could bring in to this world/ raise a great person!<br />
3.... not trying to convince you or anything but just make sure you keep your mind open, it might change.. but if u dont wanna dont.. nothing worse than a parent that doesnt want kids..

I was so happy when I read your response. I cant find anything I dont agree with- basicly I agree very much with you. And Im so glad that you found what makes you happy in life. Not giving in to the pressure and expectations of society, and what other people see as "normal" to make you happy. Everyone feels down and even depressed at time, with or without children. I dont excpect to be happy all the time, there is things about hard times I tresure, because it makes me stronger. But Im definately sure that a lifetime of studying, learning and exploring knowledge has a much larger chance of making me happy and giving me a sence of fulfillment and wonder. Kids- not so much. Oh hard core darwinian- Im so glad your my friend;p lol. Oh what kind of scientist are you? One thing I love most about the idea of being a scientist is that I never have to stop wondering, asking questions, learning and studying- which I simply love.<br />
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Im so glad to hear that you found your right way in life- you deserve it and you deserve to be happy^_^ Oh and a very early Happy Birthday to you:D

I turn 51 in two months. I never wanted children. I never had children. I am glad I never had children. I still do not want children. I believe that giving back and doing good things for this world is a good and worthy value and practice if for no other reason than it just makes for being a good neighbor and doing so makes one feel good within oneself, I am however, under no obligation whatsoever to do anything at all except that which I choose to do providing that what I do is of no detriment to another person. I never got married. I am glad I never got married. I do not forsee ever getting married. People know me as a content and happy person and with the exception of a few limited depressing times in my life that were brought on by situations that would depress ANYONE, I have always been and consider myself to be consistently very happy and content. People have always asked me why I am so damn happy all the time, why I'm always smiling and why I am always singing. The best I can tell them is that I always look inside myself to find happiness and I never seek outside myself for something to 'make' me happy. Oh, and I'm also a scientist and a hard core Darwinian one at that. So you all just leave NerdyBirdy alone and let her enjoy her life as she sees fit and quit yappin at her about kids and marriage. She seems like she is very similar to me only half my age and people respect, like and admire me and I am the person that those people come to for advice, counsel, and therapeutic conversation.. Oh, and a very early Happy Birthday to ME!

Well thank you^^ Thats so nice. I never understood why people critizese others for not having children. Its a personal choice, and its a choice everyone has the right to choose for themselves.<br />
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And good for Australia^^

I know someone who had exactly the same thoughts that you have, when she was your age. Julia Gillard is her name and she recently became the first female Prime Minister of Australia. Not everyone wants to have children and I am amazed at the criticism Prime Minister Gillard has received for choosing to not have children. Good for you for knowing what you want out of life and not letting other peoples opinion affect what you think. I hope you achieve as much or even more than Miss Gillard has.

Well I cant really say I agree much with you. I happen to believe that what gives people fulfullment and makes them happy should be utterly relevant when their chosing their paths in life. And I dont feel like I need to justify being born. I never asked to be born, and since I am, Im going to make the most of my life. <br />
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Even so, I do agree that we should feel obligated to give back to the planet and try to make it a better place. However I AM going to live my life entierly how I desire to live it. And Im going to choose my path in life by what makes me happy, what gives me fulfillment. By only my indipendent thoughts, wants, and desires- not by what the society around me says I should do.

Why do think that your predilections are determinative, or even relevant? Having been given the gift of life, taking up space and resources, sharing a polity with your fellows brings obligations entirely independent of your desires. A prime--perhaps *the* prime--obligation is to give back for what you received, to leave the world better for your having been in it. Of course, there are many ways of giving back. I don't know whether, say, Jonas Salk raised children nor is it important to know: his contribution paid his way a millionfold. For most of us, though, having children and raising them well is one of the few ways of justifying our time on earth. That's not to say that raising a child poorly is of any positive value--quite the contrary. And it's certainly not to say that there aren't other avenues open to those who cannot or do not raise children. A childless teacher who contributes to the growth of many children, a health care professional who saves and enriches lives, a person who doesn't do well with children but who eases lives at another stage in the life cycle--all such folk are paying their way. But their happiness, sense of fulfillment, likes and dislikes are utterly, totally irrelevant: while it's fortunate when one likes to do what one is obliged to do, the fulfilled obligation, and not the accompanying feeling, is what helps others. To measure the choice of whether to have children by one's own measure, and not the measure of society as a whole, is ipso facto selfish and unworthy, regardless of whether one's decision is yea or nay.

Dariah: I couldnt have agreed more with anything you said. And like you Ive gone through a bad divorce with my parents and been like a second mom for my three younger siblings (one of the reasons i dont want kids). And I couldnt agree more with the adoption. If you or I should ever change our minds, the option to adopt will always be there. And why not adopt a unwanted child then to risk putting another one out there? And thank you so much for replying, it was very interesting reading. My best of luck too you=)

Firstly, no you aren’t being selfish, naïve, or wrong for not wanting to have children. If it was the purpose of every human being on earth to procreate then we’d completely run out of resources and the earth would be so densely populated there’s no way we could all co-exist in harmony let alone exist! In fact I can’t even tell you how many people I know who are parents and regret it every single day. Is it fair to have children when you either don’t have the time or the money to raise them? Is it fair to bring a child into this world when it will only be neglected, a burden, rejected, abused or raised poorly? Not every one was made to be a parent. I love my parents, but honestly I didn’t have a great childhood and it is their fault. My mother was young and emotionally scarred when she got married. She had 6 children and got divorced when I was 12. She was never able to connect with me like I would have wanted her to and she never really knew me. She was too busy dealing with her own issues and in the interim I was molested, depressed and on the brink of committing suicide. She’s still completely oblivious to it all.<br />
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My life has changed a lot since then and that’s another story for another topic. Here’s my point. My mom never remarried and my older brother and sister got married and moved out. Now my mom is lonely and in need of financial assistance. That’s where I come in. I wouldn’t ever want to put any child through what I’ve been through. I’m my mother’s emotional crutch. I’ve got 3 younger brothers that have yet to complete their schooling. I love my siblings, but honestly they’re my financial burden too. Is that fair on any child? So when people tell me I’m selfish and that I’ll change my mind one day, it doesn’t really phase me. I LOVE children! I just don’t want any of my own. I practically helped raise my brothers and I know more or less what it takes to raise a kid. It’s not something I can foresee myself doing in future.<br />
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There’s nothing wrong with wanting to focus on your career. Your purpose for being alive is to LIVE! Whether your career, love or children make you happy is entirely up to you. It’s your life, your prerogative. It’s a lifelong commitment and no one can tell you that you don’t know what you want because you’re too young. I knew since the age of 12 that I don’t ever want to be a parent. I have many reasons. Parenthood is something that should be carefully considered and planned for. <br />
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Maybe both you and I will change our minds when that biological clock starts ticking, but for me I know that won’t be anytime soon! And then I might adopt. No point in neglecting the thousands if not millions of parentless children that are already here because of people who weren’t meant to have children, yet had them anyway. Like I said though, that’s a big IF.

NerdyBirdy-<br />
I agree that you sound like an intelligent, thoughtful young woman who is not content to go along with what other people think you should do. I know that it can sound condescending when people say "just wait, you'll change your mind" or something to that effect. Fact is, you are at an age where you have quite some time before you reach any critical point of having to decide. I'm 38 and after years of the auto-pilot assumption that I would have children, am realizing that I am conflicted about this, and that given my wife's age (mid 40s), it isn't going to happen. Fortunately, my parents don't push for grandchildren (they already have from my brother) and are understanding. But socially there is such a strong bias and assumption that this is what EVERYONE needs to do. Don't let that eat at you.

I will say you may or may not...from my experience. Woman I have know who said..never..sometimes said they wanted to once they reached the magic 35! But I think no reason really needed, it is up to you to decide.

bottom line, it's your life and you get to choose how you want to live it. at least you are not aspiring to do something negative or destructive.<br />
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your career choice is very admirable as is your obvious dedication. you come across as a very intelligent young woman who has thought long and hard about this particular lifestyle choice. more power to you.<br />
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well done!

I can see why you say this. Its a struggle to have children and still want to do as you please. If fact its pretty much a choice of one or the other. I had that mindset for awhile. But I know a few people that didnt have kids, some have been successful but others have the money and time to travel...but have nobody to travel with because everyone is busy with their spouce of kids, they would have to bring them along on any trips. I sometimes dont want the responsibility of kids but other times I think that I should because as you get older its very easy to get into trouble that you want no part of. Having a family to devote time to can sometimes steer clear of that but on the other hand it can cause more trouble in itself ha I guess ill just have to see how it all plays out

I am just beginning a relationship with a woman in her 40's (like me) who doesn't have nor ever wanted children. I feel the same way. My sister also never wanted children, and has ben married for 16 years; although her husband is certainly very childish - I guess that's more than enough for her. I have known several couples that have had (mostly) happy relationships BECAUSE of not having children, not in spite of it. Stick to your guns - don't let anyone, including your family or potential life-mates bully you into something that is wrong for you. There is already enough misery in this world, and if you ever give in and have a child just because someone else wants you to, then all you will succeed in doing is increasing the number of miserable people in the world by 2; you and your child.

NYCgirl6: Thank you so much for your feedback! Not having children is actually a very important thing for me, and I do get a lot of negative response to it. So it always feels good to meet people like yourself who are supportive and understanding, and may have taken the same choice themselves. I wish the best of luck to you too and I will certainly look into the book by Dan Gilbert.

Loserandlikesit, stay strong! I completely empathize with you. Only you can know what's best for your life. And I'm very impressed that you know about the studies that show that childfree people are happier than people with children! Have you read Dan Gilbert's "Stumbling on Happiness"? I highly recommend it. I don't want children either, and I'm 27 and getting married. Plenty of people, single and married, live their lives happily childfree (I know some of them, including a childfree 39-year-old and a couple who lived into their 70s together childfree). The choice not to have children is a personal one, and, if it is what is right for you, a very responsible one. Good luck to you!!!

rgreener: LOL as if I haven't heard THAT before:P Id love to have this very same conversation ten years from now, although why not know? There are plenty of people who have children in my age or close to it (I'm 20 btw). <br />
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Que sera sera yes, who knows what will happen? I don't even know if I'm going to be alive ten years from now! And who knows how I would react if the terrible accident should happen that I would be so unfortunate to get pregnant. Although I must admit every time I picture the scenario in my head abortion is always the result.<br />
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I know many, like yourself, has said the same thing at my age, but at one point your biological clock starts ticking or you met a partner who wanted children, and you changed your view on it. Even though I cant say that this wont happen to me, it would be a drastic change of character. And I cross my fingers (in the knowledge that MANY who says the same at my age never have children) I wont ever have to experience it.

LOL it says 18 to 21 in your profile. Lets have this conversation again in ten years or so.<br />
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I thought the same until I met the most beautiful woman and fell in love.<br />
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20 years and three beautiful children later.......................................<br />
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Che Sara Sara

rhood: thank you=)ChakraSolipsismMGP: well, its never too late for an realationship;). As for the state of the planet, I guess Im more of an optimist, But I think your right in this: "I think it has reached its capacity of people.". We are more people then ever, and populations has incrised incredilby fast in the past years. we certainly need to consider how we can make the planet sustainable.

I've never had a relationship in my 40 + years (Considering being 15 years of age to 55 now) of Life. I've always wanted a relationship for the romance. I contemplated about finding my skills for being a Father, but turns out I'm far from it. I'm Inapt for the responsibility. But I still felt on wanting to be having the fulfillment of the relationship (I think) would had helped me in my neurological means of having a healthier life. But Fate has been a bit more Bully on me at preventing my desired encounters with the right women. Now I look at the State of this Planet Earth. I think it has reached its capacity of people. And trying to make the world prosperious for future children, in my mind is deception. People are not going to find life prosperious in jobs that will not exist any more and the world will be in turmoil. It's not a future (I see) for children these days. Those wanting children, (In my mind) are going to make it Hell for them and the life they face in the future. I just want some compaionship in my life, without having to be a Father. As for women? I have nothing against their choices for no children.

Kessie: I understand that many would say Im too young to say this, but Im very certain (as certain as one can be) that I wont have any children. Many of my friends say what you suggest "I dont want children now, but in a few years time, maybe". As for me I have never wanted children, and as I have grown older I have only become more certain in my decision. The more I vision myself having kids the more I know its not for me.<br />
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silkypantygirl: Im sorry to hear you feel like a loser, and that you hate it. But I guess I feel like a loser in a different way. Im pretty weird of a person and doesnt always fit in with everyone. I have a tendency to say the wrong thing and trip over nothing. Because of this and things like this, I feel like a loser at times, but I have decided not to try to change (if it is even possibly) my loserness but to appreciate it as a part of who I am. As for your homeless situation, I wish you all the best and cross my fingers that you will feel like a winner soon.

loserand likes it (???)......<br />
I Don't Want Children "either" (though MY reasons 'differ' from yours; more "spiritually" oriented). BUT "liking" Being A Loser ???!<br />
THAT "baffles" me. I've been HOMELESS 24 years....which SHOULD "qualify" Me "as a loser". Yet 'I' am NOT!! about to Say: I LIKE It. QUITE<br />
"the opposite"!!! I "Hate" it; and HOPE for the Day I can "look back on" and say: THAT was The Day "I Stopped being a Loser AND BECAME A WINNER!!!".

well the way I see it your only young and thousands of girls your age feel the same way. Many of them change their minds. Even if you did want kids I think your age group is too young, people your age should be out experiencing life and having a good time not tied down to marriage and children. <br />
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Don't say I will never have kids say at the moment I am not interested in having them but maybe in ten years time will change my mind. Say MAYBE not I will.