I Dont Want Children And Its Time For Me To Tell My Husband
I am at a crossroads and I know this will be the end of our marriage. My husband and I have been married for three years, together for seven. Since day one, I knew he loved children and he always wanted a family of his own. He came from a broken family and I believe this is what has fuel his desire to create his own family. Conversely, I came from a great family, filled with love, togetherness, and consistency. I feel the many things my husband does is because he did not have a consistent male in his life, role modeling appropriate relationship behavior. I dont believe he understands what it takes to be a good father (or a father like mine, he was/is the #1 Dad), and this really frightens me.
When we first met I was 21 (he was 25) and I not at all ready or even interested in having children. About a year into our relationship, I got pregnant and told no one, to this day he still does not know. I had an abortion and kept on with my life, with absolutely no regrets. At the time I could not even contemplate having a child in my body for any longer than I absolutely had to; within 2 days of finding out I was pregnant I was no longer. I assumed that as I got older I would look back on my decision and regret it, but six years later I still stand firmly by my decision. During this time I also thought that maybe my position would change with regard to children, but it hasn't. Today I feel as if I'm living a complete lie, and each day I feel as If I hate my life. Let me explain.
Shortly after we were married, my husband wanted to open a foster care agency for children. Me being the devoted wife, I said yes I will support your dreams and passions. At age 26 I became a foster parent to 17 foster youth all with severe emotional disturbances. Specifically we opened group homes for foster care youth and youth in the juvenille justice systems. For the last two/three years, we have put our blood, sweat and tears into this business. We've work timelessly to grow the agency to what is it today, and yet I don't feel connected to it or the mission (although I created it). I purposely find things in the office to do so that I don't have to interact with the kids who come to the office. I get annoyed when my husband brings the kids over to our house to watch a football game or have a pool party. I am so sick of birthday parties, that I chose not to celebrate my own because I was so over it. Truly, 24/7 my life and my current profession revolves around children and yet I don't like it. Now, please dont get me wrong, as I love the kids in our agency (its impossble not to); I just dont share the same passion that my husband does. I have a BA is Public Health, a Masters in Public Admin. with the concentration in Public Health, and I've been working on my PhD in Public Health Policy for the last two years. Truly school (and tennis) are the only consistent enjoyments I get in life right now. There is nothing in my training or profession that ever geared me towards working with children; I like policy instead. I view having children and being a mother like I view coal mining. Its just something I've never been interested in doing.
Now, through our teamwork and business savvy, my husband and I ventured into other areas of foster care (there are a lot of buiness opportunities once you get your foot in the door), and as such we have made a lot of money. Even in today's economy we are so blessed not to be worried about money. Additionally we just moved into our eight bedroom dream house with huge backyard, swimming pool with slide, casita, dog run, etc. Now, why would two young professionals need a home this size? Oh, that right, its in anticiption for the kids to come. Fortunatly, this business has affored my husband and I a life style lived by very few in these times. And unfortunaly I know I am only in our business for the money-not because of passion. Because of the many experiences with the children in our agency, I have absolutely no desire to become a parent. Whats worse I really dont want to be a part t of our business- the business we created together.
This past year (2008/2009) I suffered from fibroid tumors, and this was the year my husband expected to have his first child with me (during an argument one year prior I caved in and agreed that in 2009 I would stop taking my birth control pills). Although I was always in tremendous pain and constantly on my cycle because of the fibroids, it was a bit of a relief that I could not get pregnant during this time. I recently had the tumors removed, and my doctor stated (post-op) that I should be able to conceive a child in as soon as three months. That follow-up visit was 2.5 months ago, and I am really freaking out.
I know it is time to face the music and tell him how I really feel, but I dont want to loose him, and I know I will. However if I go on with the sheraide I will end up pregnant, unhappy, and resentful. If I were to have a child today it would only be out of duty, not desire. I look at my sisters and sister-in-law, and they all yearned to have children. The expressed "baby fever" and could not wait to get pregnant, start a family, etc. Not me. When I was growing up my mother told me over and over (practically drilling it my head) how she was a pregnant teen and how difficult things were. During high school and college I believed only "dumb girls get pregnant". As an adult all I see are the vast amounts of stupid people who insist on pro-creating, and how it has negatively affected our society. I don't want any part of that. I don't want the responsibility, nor do I want to devote my time, heart, and love to a child/person for the rest of my life with no guaranteed return on my personal investment. II know some may ask, why did I get married? Because I love my husband. I've prayed about this a few times and asked for guidance. I dont feel as if I can talk to anyone becuase I know I would be letting everyone down. I am essentially the "golden child" of my siblings, who married price charming, and is expected to have perfect children. I've never let my family down, and I am afraid this will absolutly devestate my husband, but kill my mother.
I think what's been so devastating for me is that I feel as if I mislead my husband. I should have been stronger in the beginning and truly told him how I felt versus what I thought he wanted to hear; because he is holding me to it. Just recently, we had another "discussion" regarding children, and I told him that I would not be willing to undergo fertility treatments should natural conception not work (a common side effect of fibroid tumors), and that set him off. He asked me point blank if I ever wanted to have children, and I could not bare to tell him then, so I sat in silence. All of his friends are sending pictures of their new family members or expanding families, and I know he wants what they have so bad.
Many things have changed about me over the last few years, but this is a position that has not. I don't know, maybe in another seven years my position will change but for now I am pretty sure this is it, and I don't want to waste his time any more. Additionally, its time for me to seek out my own passions. Sometimes I think I got married too young and I dont feel like I had enough time to figure out who I truly am. Ive been going through longer bouts of sadness and depression and this is not the Femia I know. Im not happy. I think if I come clean it will be better for the two of us. I pray this is the right thing to do.