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My 19 Year Old Son Hates Me!

My heart is really starting to hurt. In the last year my son has turned against me.He is 19 years old. I can't get him a car yet,but he always can have mine. I try to talk to him but he has nothing to say nothing nice anyway. Everything I do is wrong! He is working and he gets along very well with my husband,his dad. All we have done in the past year is argue.He has been bringing the same girl over for awhile,but says it's not his g.f. but she told his sister she was.I spent so much time with him when he was growing up. It was alot of the time just me and him.I am always s'portive and encourage him,but he ****** me off and I feel like he is ashamed of me and that hurts alot...

 

 

kwinith kwinith 36-40 58 Responses Apr 10, 2008

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I am going through the same thing. My son hates me and I don't even bother him. Last thing I ask him was did you have a good weekend and he cussed me out and said he hated me. That I need to grow up.. Ugh...What is his problem?

Good heavens. This was the issue which brought me to Experience Project back in the summer of 2011, and the one with which I was more engaged than any other. I see now how many additional responses there are ...I had no idea that so many women (and some men) were dealing with the same heartbreak from sons around that age.
I'm very grateful to Experience Project ~ it genuinely helped me back then when I saw that the problem was more widespread than I knew, and it still helps me today.
I don't know exactly WHY it helped/helps, but, there you go.

It is very sad and hurting to have our beloved child behave in an odd cold way. It is the turn of the century and surely there is collective moral decadence in all over the world, every race and every country is affected by it. May I kindly ask if your son is into computer and video gaming? I know some people who do spend too much time on video games, are addicted to it and hence it deeply affects the way they think, feel and behave.
May God help all the young people who are suffering from this silent abuser “Computer Video Games”.
I look forward to hear back from you.

I hope things got easier for you?

do not let him stay at your house. simple - he is a man & now
a 'step dad' time for him to man up ,. i am not saying this as someone with no experience, my son has a drug problem & has stolen from me. the worst we can do for our children is let them be idiots & encourage & support it - life is hard - lessons are hard - they just are. if he treats you like that say bye bye sweetie - love you - but you are an adult now & i will under no circumstances allow you to treat me like that - good luck & God bless - but - you are on your own now

wow, it is very interesting to see that so many mothers have also hardship with their child. I have add such a heartache and sadness and unfortunately it all happened in one month, maybe that is why I am so distress.
My husband passed away when my son was 5 years old. We were a great family. I have devoted my life to my son trying to fill the shoes of father and mother. We were very close, I gave him everything , we had good communications and laugh together, played sports etc. etc.
Now trying not to go to much in details I will skip to November 2013, where everything just went crazy and turned our lives upside down. He is 18 and will turn 19 in February 2014, he met a woman at work. She is 26 and has a 2 year old son. She came on to him, saying too bad he is so young and that she could go for a guy like him. My son is 6,5' and good looking, he looks older than his age. So he was attracted to her, being his first real girlfriend. So at the end of November they started dating, well he went crazy, she is the love of his life, she is the first woman he has had sex with and all.
When I told him I disapproved of this relation because I thought he has just started the young adult age, he should be out with his friends and partying and that I thought he was too young to be a step dad, well that is when he exploded saying I was ruining his life, I did not want him to be happy, that he got a tattoo to **** me off and that he hopes I don't get sick, so I will not be a burden to him. Wow that put a knife in my heart and that all happened a couple of days before Christmas. He has changed so much, he has abandoned his friends, his computer games he apparently loved so much, has no more money in his back account and his taking drugs regularly. He sleeps at my house maybe once or twice a week to do his laundry. He did apologize for hitting the wall and talking to me like that, it's like I lost my son and nothing I do or say is ok. I just hope that this is a big crisis he is going through and will wake up.

Wow I had no idea so many other moms were going through this. I have read all the stories and can identify with every single one. To know that other mom's are experiencing the same level of agonizing pain is somewhat normalizing this experience for me... Thank you all for being brave enough to tell
My son is 18yrs old right now. He is my only biological son. Words cannot explain the bond that this child and I had. He was not my only child.. however he was definately a priority child. As I was reading before I decided to share I noticed that there are patterns, one being that most of the parents on this story put their child on a pedestal. Possibly this is a contributing factor in the result we are experiencing? My son was my first priority. I supported him in every single step he took in life.
I was married to his father for 20yrs, however we seperated when my son was 10.
My husband was abusive in every fashion. I had my children especially my son that they wanted dad to leave. I did muster up the courage and did leave him. We remain friendly with eachother and did not cause and enstrangements to the children over it. He was rarely abusive to the children physically however mentally and emotionally it was a daily occurence.
I did adopt another son, due to someone in the family giving birth to a child and was addicted to drugs and homeless with health issues.
My son's behavior admittedly starting changing once my husband left. I chaulked it up to be a phase due to having freedom of expression now! My son has always been an honor student and high achieving with sports. He has never smoked, drink alcohol, do drugs or has had sex. All of these remain true to today. My son started with getting into a fight with his sister and decided to refuse to speak to her ever again. He accomplished this. He still has not spoken to my daughter, his baby sister in 5 years. He refuses to interac with any of the family. He will not join Christmas dinners instead he dishes out and returns to his room. His room is where he is 98% of the time he is in the house. He isolates in there watching t.v. playing on his phone. My son will not initiate a conversation with anybody in the family he will answer your question very generically and with one word and walk away while he is doing it. I have stopped him many times to say I love you, I miss You, You look very nice, how was your day... al the way to ....I will beg you to tell me what I did I will do anything to make it better. My son will say nothing. He will not give me one detail. I have been bawling for years over how my son makes me feel and how he makes others in the family feel. I have no idea what to do anymore. There is sooooo much more I could explain but it all boils done to if you think I have done wrong than I have and I am sorry and want to correct it somehow, if you need help I am here, if he needed space I gave it to him I have tried everything I know and everything I heard. Now yesterday as I am telling my son that my other son is allowed in the room as it is his room too my 18yr old sons so no and continues to tell me that he does not like me nor respects me. He thinks I am a joke and doesnt care if I am hurt or anything really. So I tell him he needs to leave my house and he responds by saying no why would i do something for someone i dont respect. So I called some cousins and his Dad and he is now out of my house. My other children feel relieved.
However I have lost my heart, he owned it.... I dont think I will ever be the same person again.
But EVERY abusive relationship needs to be SHUT DOWN!

my heart just breaks for all of you parents that are here. Im Christian and I know through many MANY experiences and stories that God is the answer. pray for your children and I mean PRAY! Have faith in God. When it feels like everyone left you and you have nobody to turn to turn to God. He's your friend tell him EVERY LITTLE SINGLE THING THAT'S BOTHERING YOU ask God for help so he would soften your children's hearts. And he will. It could happen right away or in a month or in a year but God WILL help! And I mean actually have faith in him not like pray a week and stop because nothing is happening. ..that is not faith. Faith is when you believe and believe and believe no matter how long. God is going to work with your familys hearts little by little from the inside. Or keep a praying journal where you just pour all your pain and grief God will always help in one way or another. Ill pray for all of you right now. -t

I too googled "why does my son hate me". I'm far from alone on this topic. I divorced when my boys were 7&9. They are now 18&20. Their dad told me that he was going to turn them against me. He was hurt from the divorce and didn't move on. I didn't realize, but he was brainwashing my boys from an early age, saying untrue and horrible things. Undermining me and belittling me. Now my youngest son hates me and won't even speak to me. It painful. It makes me feel like I was a horrible mom. I wasn't perfect, but I feel like I failed. I know better, but those feeling keep coming up . I jus don't know how to reach him and undo the brainwashing. It's sad and can relate to the pain the other mothers are feeling

i am a heartbroken mother as well....divorced my ex like 23 years ago and nw my son says everytime he sees me he hates me and his resentment for me keeps comin back to haunt me.
l have always put him on a pedestal....nw aged 32 years is no longer the son i bore and raised. H e evolved to a totally new person with so much disrespect and bad attitude. He only horrible to me and perfectly fine with the rest of the world.
Hard decision but i have decided to move on in my life without him...he indicated he built a life without me so what the hell!
life goes on....

I ache to the core, I am so very very sad due to the treatment I get from my 27 year old son. For years I have been disrespected and clearly hated by my son. He truly hates me but I don't know why. He tells me this and I believe him, I am at the end of my tether an feel like driving into a brick wall REALLY. My husband can hardly function day to day. I have been strong for him but don't know what to do anymore. I have been threatened with getting a glass smashed in my face , he smashes his room. I am in fear of my life sometimes and have called the police because I was so scared. He has worked away a times but is living back at home at the moment and is (when he can be motivated) looking for a job. I think he is mentally ill and I am worried that he will abuse any wife he should find. He laughs when he has reduced me to tears and when he can see my fear and I just don't get it. He has no tolerance for anything at all, If you have a different opinion to him then you are a moron/ imbecile or something similarly derogatory. My life is full sadness and desolateness of life with my son. I love him but he's unbelievably horrible. Shamefully I have thought if he died I couldn't be as sad as I am now. I'm sad for him too because he doesn't seem happy with anything in his life and I want to help him but don't know how.

Good Lord - get a restraining ordre & don't let him back in your house...why in God's name would you let anyone treat you like that?

I heartily feel for you where your own son who is the love of your entire life, treats you in the most undesirable and undignified way. You give him your life, your true love and continuous support and yet he is far from seeing it, or understanding or having any notion of it. Or even perceive how he is causing hurt to his beloved mum. Do you know if he is into computer games? I did ask the same question from another friend on this forum.
I appreciate your sincere feedback, as it can be a break through this nasty behaviour.
God bless you and your son to become more understanding and compassionate. My goes for you…

I too am having problems with my son. My 19 year old son has become so heartless. He holds grudges against anyone who upsets him or disagrees with him. He says he hates his brother and wouldn't care if anything happened to him. He uses bad words in normal conversation and I tell him not to speak to me that way, but does not care how I feel. He says he's not cussing at me so I shouldn't get so mad. I just did not raise him that way and do not know why he is the way he is. He says he hates living at home and wants to move out. I told him he has the choice to do what he wants. I'm just heartbroken. I just hope we can get through these hard times.

I know how you feel. My 19 year old hates me too. I don't understand it either. Most his life his dad rejected him( and we're not divorced) and his sister couldn't stand him and would purposely reject and hurt him. I was always there and protected him. Now it is like he is ashamed of me and cant stand the fact that i exist. Im do deeply hurt and if i try to tell him it just enrages him. I dint have words of wisdom for you, I wish I did. I just wanted you t.o know you're not alone

I protected my son as well from his mean dad his mean sisters,sisters where mean because he was mean to me, he hates me,lies to everyone of how his life sucks,living here etc,today he told me to go rot in my room you fat disgusting pig, he is always disrespectful to me when no ones home sometimes in front of his sisters, I embarresed im lost and i dont know what to do?

his moods flip minute by minute nice as an angel to me I fall for it, and bam he flips on me. thanks for letting me post

I'm sorry, but if my son talked to me like that he wouldn't be living with me. Maybe it's time for you to turn him out and see how he does in the real world. I feel your pain, but what you are describing is abuse. If he treats his mother that way, how will he treat a wife?

I also have a 20 year old son he is such a problem we gave him everything growing up same as our other 4 children but he is never happy he won't go to work he always sits in Internet cafes and library on computers he want to argue and threaten all the time he's tried hitting the other kids many time and the language is terrible he knows he's dad is very ill with heart desease and can't have stress I also have many medical problems but he does not care about nobody but himself you either agree with what he says or he starts housing said hell wait about 4 years for housing please help with advice I really don't no wat else to do

we have many similarities in our problems, except that I am married to a wonderful Christian man and we have 5 wonderful children. Well, that was until they became teens and are breaking their mothers heart. Our eldest boy is 15 and its just unbelievable the way he has changed within only a year or so. I also had to quit school and i was so close to getting my degrees. we should chat, this should be a group, a support group for moms going through this with their children. I think it would really help.

My heart is breaking every day as I see what once was a beautiful relationship between my son and I become non existant. He is 15 and dosnt want to talk with me at all, and will never even give me a simple hug. I know what i have to do now. I must be strong because he is trying to pull away and grow up and I am being to needy i guess by wanting what we once had. He is older now, and he is trying to grow up. The only thing I cant stand is the disrespect. I need to get stronger and realize what he needs now is for me to let go a bit....but boy does it hurt.....

wow. I feel your pain. i have a 15 year old that up until this summer did everything together, we were buddys esspecially when it came to snowmobiling. now i cant get him to spend 2 minutes with me. what the hell happened?

My son tells me all time he hates me .. I divorced his dad 11 years ago and my son was 13 yrs old when I did he says I ruined his life .. I made him the way he is he smokes pot hangs out with his friends doesn't work .. Just doesn't care about anything and its all my fault .. I pay his phone bill every month and give him money when I can but if I can't omg sh¥£€ hits the fan he is so hateful towards me he keeps asking me why me and his father divorced and I tell him it had nothing to do with him or his sister and that's it's between me and his father and that really ****** him off .. He makes me cry on a regular basis it's so sad because I never thought he would be a pot head that doesn't want to do anything with his life . Me and his father still talk and we get along great I've known him since I was 16 he is a great father hard worker so I just don't get it he had a great roll model ... Hurting real bad don't know what to do .....

you have to share it and know that others are going through the same thing, like myself. It is helping a bit now, that i have a few more ideas of how to act around him. we need support for this, so message me ok?

its this generation. i dont know what the hell happened but everything has gone completely to hell. too much no faith, too much divorce, too much no respect. everythings different these days. people are crazy!

My 27 year old Son acts as if I am nothing just fly on jam we once were close bit since he lived with a girl it's got to stage where we van not talk with put a put Me down said its sadder than sad.

I too, just googled why does my son hate me. I have fought so hard for him for for years. He has derailed my entire life for years. At 18(now 19.5) he moved out after detroying his room, relationships, school, scholarship. He lied aboyt our family in high school to get sympathy. Sayingwe disowned him abused him kicked him out, when he was hiding at a drug dealers. He takes our money but estranged himself,we.ve followed him. Brought food, damage deposits rent furnishing etc, gifts. Found out he was on meds, and off, asked him to see.a psych, he was cutting, really confused. He destroyed our xmas, beat me up and into the hosp for half a day... in front of his little minor sister. My heart is broken. I mourn my son . He was such a lovely smart boy, we were great friends. I found a blog where he is again lying about his whole family! Won.t associate with even one family member...grandma, niece, sister, grandfather just passed away. He wont even respond.

I have two Daughters and two more Sons not one of the girls have ever gone this way both boys had thier tantrums. But not Like my 27 year old I think it's more common that boys are hating thier own Mothers and blame them for everything then girls,

i have a 22 year old son who is so selfish he was brought with love anything he wanted he got but now he treats his father and i with such contempt i do not know where this has came from as we have helped him out time after time it has got to the stage were we cant wait to get him out of our house and that breaks my heart
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My son hates me, too. I'm German, his father is Morrocan. I did not see him despite the most efforts between 1997 until 2009 when he finally visited me to express his hate. Former I was so hopeful and expecting but now I wish him worst, too, as I see he's only instrumentalized by his father . I was married a second time and I educated 3 girls(this time I chose the names: Daphne-Nora, Bérénice-Rabea and Undine). I don't love him any longer. While I missed him-why didn't he do the same? Feel the same? No link at all? It's a horror having in mind his photo 5-years-old and now I see his photo of a 21-year-old man. I'm no longer afraid of horror films.

Bouslamti, Our job is to love them no matter what and to pray for them. It\'s hard I know. You can be angry with them. That\'s ok. But we still have to love them and be there for them. There is something wrong with this generation of adults, that\'s for sure. I know of so many really good parents who have lost their sons, who won\'t even front up and talk it out. What is bothering them? We don\'t know. I have two who have done the same to me. My daughter and I haven\'t seen or heard from them for nearly a year now. It hurts like hell, especially when you don\'t know what it\'s about. How can we put it right if they won\'t talk about it? Do they want it to stay broke?

I'm a dad and my son called me a failure in front of my girlfriend and her son in public. That's about all the pain a dad can handle with his own child. This issue goes both ways for parents.

This makes me feel like I'm not alone.I went through it with my 20 year old and now my 17 year old.What is with this generation.I've done everything their whole life for them

I guess it’s true- misery loves company. I found this site when I Goggled “my 19 year old son hates me”. I was so depressed and felt so alone. It saddens me to know that so many of you are having this experience but I have to admit that I do feel a little better knowing that I’m not alone. Thanks for sharing your stories.<br />
I put my 19 year old son out a few weeks ago (again) because he refused to take car parts out of his bedroom and put them in the shed. I’m talking about tools, oil pans, exhaust systems, etc. We have a shed in the backyard as well as an empty closet on the first floor. He became loud and verbally abusive (again). OMG the things that come out of that boy’s mouth! He left while I was out of the house. I returned to find MORE holes in my walls, the front door wide open and the back patio door unlocked. Obviously he wanted the house to be robbed before I got back home.<br />
He tried to come in the house Friday but found the locks had been changed. He ripped the shutters off the front of the house, broke them and tossed them into the neighbor’s yard. I filed for a stay away order today. I have to protect my younger child/step-children and property but I feel like crap.<br />
This disrespect, disregard for my rules and property damage has been going on for years. He only pulls it together when he wants something. I’ve been married for 2 years and things escalate even more whenever my husband is around. After reading your stories I realize this doesn’t just happen in blended families.<br />
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We used to be so close. We share the same birthday and I used to think of him as my special birthday present. I love him so much. I wish I liked him too.<br />
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I used to wonder why some animals eat their young.

I don't 'like' that you are going through what you are, but really appreciate that you are sharing your thoughts. It really does help :) I googled "why does my teenage son hate me" - it's sad that so many blogs came up, but is comforting to know that I'm not alone. Thanks again for sharing and I hope things get smoother for you and your son.

"I used to wonder why some animals eat their young" Oh my..you made me laugh...loudly..thanks for that!

He's a spoiled little **** like my 19 year old son. Everything is a battle with him except when he wants something. He doesn't turn the TV or music down when asked. He just argues. He has a filthy mouth, smokes pot and is a lazy pig. He starts college in 2 weeks so let's see how that goes. I want to throw his *** out but my parents said if I do, I am disowned. Why can't he live with them so they can see what a self-centered Snot he is!

I can relate big time. My son says I'm a crazy person... By now, I'm sure that I am (because of him). He is kind to other family members (to their faces), but speaks horribly to me about them. If he doesn't get his way, he cusses me out, punches holes in doors and walls, tells me he hates me. He is almost 17 yrs old. To be one of the sweetest, most compassionate boys I have ever been around, this is behavior I thought I'd never see. I'm beyond heartbroken.

I am a single mom of six. My oldest son is almost 19. I divorced their dad 2 1/2 years ago because he was becoming more and more physically abusive, to me as well as to them. I was with him since I was 15... for 27 years. When the police and Child Protective Services got involved, I filed for divorce and got sole custody and guardianship of all six kids. It was the most embarrassing, humbling experience of my life... my husband was an elder in our church, and we have always had polite, respectful, well-behaved children and have never before attracted the attention of the police or the Ministry. My church shunned me because my wonderful, godly husband had never cheated on me, so I had no grounds for divorce and I should have just been more submissive and let God change his heart. They told me that I should have been willing to let my children be removed and put into protective custody and just believed they would eventually be returned when things were better. I left without a backward glance, believing my children's safety and emotional health was more important than anything else.<br />
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Since my divorce, my life has been a nightmare... my oldest son tells me I ruined my one shot at marriage when I abandoned his dad, and that if I ever try to date someone else he will make my life a living hell. He screams and swears at me when his siblings are playing outside because I am a negligent mother and my job is to stand there and watch them every second (it's not as if I send them out to play in the street... I know exactly where they are and who they are with!). He gets angry that I don't have healthy food in the house (not true), and got mad at me last night because his 8 yo brother was returned from a visit with his dad at 10 PM and I didn't immediately fix him something to eat. He had eaten and was saying he wasn't hungry... and because I didn't force-feed him that makes me a negligent mother.<br />
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I was supposed to go back to school this fall to finish up a clinical counseling degree, but things have gotten so chaotic in our home that I completely switched career paths because I honestly think I could USE a counselor more than I should BE one. I have been a stay-at-home mom since I had my first child. So now he is angry that the kids will be taking the school bus to their private school instead of me "being a mother" and taking them, even though I will be home by the time they come back in the afternoon.<br />
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I have now met and am dating a wonderful man, and our hope is to get married in a couple of years when I finish school. But honestly, I don't know if my son will ever accept that... or if he will kill himself, kill me, make things so stressful my boyfriend walks away or leave and never speak to me again. I feel like his dad never left, and things are just as tense and anger-controlled as they were before I divorced him. Doesn't this boy know that I walked away from my marriage to protect him?! Please tell me it gets better at some point?

I was an idiot when I was your son's age. Although, I never ever verbally or otherwise disrespected my parents. They'd of killed me! I just got my self involved in all kinds of peer pressure activities; testing all boundaries; revelling in life's possibilities. I was a rebel without a pause. Eventually, I had my own children and made my applogizes to my parent. Yes, some children will go through all the stages and phase of youth and come out on the other side as mature practical adults -- not all. My son is 27 years old and under the guidance of my family, friends and elders I've waited. "He'll come out of it" They said. He never did. He is psychotic. The sign were always there. No one believed me. Love, Weeping Heart

My son who's now 18 had a wonderful childhood.He had love,comfort and financially was very well taken care of.He was a little anti social in school and with friends but was extremely musically talented as well as physically gifted for sports so I figured he would grow out of it.At 15 his mom walked out of our lives.He lived with me for 3 years and socially he became the center of attention with his friends and became so out going he didn't want to be home or with me anymore.He refused to do anything at our home and made life hard on me.I tried everything from begging him to clean up his mess or wash his clothes with no results and he would cuss me and disrespect me in front of his friends.He would tell me I'm not staying up in this place.Eventually it would get physical and he out weighs me by 80 pounds so it was a challenge to get him to listen.One day he just moves out,goes to his moms now he won't even call or talk to me period.I don't want us to loose the love we had and we were very close when he was younger.I don't know wether to let time pass and see if he comes around or keep trying to be a part of his life because he acts like he dosent know me

cont.....Then I cant be your mother in death... Ive removed my son from all my accounts, Ive tried talking to him, even a therapist, got involved with his girlfriend. Only for them to accuse her of attacking them. Taking situations and turning them around so they are the victim. I find out 4 months after everyone else knows they are getting married. They dont want me there. I could go on for pages on this situation. I find writing in a journal helps. His sister he doesnt even have anything to do with her. This is a kid that goes to church...Why? I blame her for some of it. I cant say anything to him he snaps at me. No christmas with him last year. Her family loves him. His relationship with her mom is important. I have to cut him loose...he doesnt care

My heart goes out to all you mothers. I cant take anymore of the up and down emotions of the relationship with my 30 yr old son. One day Im crying and the next I wanna punch him in the face..."what is the matter with you?" Did I not beat you enough?,lock you in a closet long enough?. None of this happened. I haven been married to his father for 15 years. He dislikes or has issueds with his younger sister and older brother. He always seemed to be a good kid, the usual college drinking. Has his degree and a good job, he met this girl sorta liked her. She was really nice to me and his sister, now they are a couple getting married I guess she doesnt need us anymore. Used??? She has shifted my son into her family and he doesnt have any for us anyumore time for us. If i was a drunken, drug crazed mother I could understand.. Ive comed to the conclusion if I cant be your mother in life then I can ge your mother in