Constant Chameleon

I am always so worried about what people think of me i am constantly changing myself just make them, and myself,  feel more comfortable. With each of my 'friends' i act a different way. Its not a small way either with one friends i like a whole range of clothes and music and with another the same music is looked down upon. I find myself always trying to conform to other peoples standards i have lost myself and i don't even know the real me anymore. I would of thought all this personality swapping must of caught up because i am a mix-match a different personalities in one and just seems to me as fake and trying too hard. I know everyone is fake to some measure but my 'friendships' never go past acquaintance level simply because having to change constantly leaves one feeling drained. I feel that no matter where i align myself in society there is the constant pressure to 'fit the stereotype'.

Now i don't want to even associate with people because i am tired of pretending to be someone else but i still find myself in situations where once again I'm someone I'm not. I just want something that is just mine, some part that is truly me but i don't even know who i am anymore. One thing in common with my personalities is the part of me which people can't see, i don't  even like that part of me. I am a horrible person, i judge others, i am so cynical, i hold grudges, i am manipulative and sometimes i am just so cold and emotionless its scary, and that's just a few. So is that who a really am? Is the 'real me' such a horrible person? Its something that i don't like to dwell on but its always there at the back of my mind, a constant reminder that i have to be fake and 'fit in' .

sweetAnonymity sweetAnonymity
22-25, F
Feb 12, 2010