Was Never Meant To

I was not meant to be a parent. I have never wanted to be a parent. When I was a little boy I had a stuffed animal that went every where that I went. If someone called him my baby I would automatically correct them, he's not my baby he's my best friend. My mother told me that I was like that even before I can remember.
The older that I got and the more I understood about people in general the more I hated the idea of having kids. When my sister first approached me to carry a child for her I was outright against it. Then I realized that this was my chance to find out what it is like to be pregnant without having to have a child. So I did it and then she convinced me to do it again.
I was asked more than once how could I give up something that had grown inside me for so long. Well, the truth is that I felt absolutely no attachment what so ever. I grew to love the children, it just wasn't there from the start. That has always made me feel broken inside. I know how I should feel about kids, but I just don't.
With what I have gone through, I never want to bring a life into this world so that they can go through the same thing. Personally, I wish that I had never existed. I have no business trying to raise a kid. Like I said, I was never meant to be a parent.
lyricaldemise lyricaldemise
41-45, T
2 Responses Nov 27, 2012

it must be hard for you too feel that way but maybe if you let time pass a bit and not think about that idea to much you'll find "your time". now my not be the case but maybe if you leave that idea to rest and worry about something else it might just come back at you automatically and you'll find out that you actually love having kids. or hey maybe it'll be the oposite. for now my advise would just to let time deal with it :)

I'm not worried about it and haven't for some time. I can't have kids any more anyways. I appreciate the advice though. I always appreciate the kindness.

It says Man on your profile I assume you are not since you carried a baby. I majored in early childhood education and I love my friends kids. I'm absolutely terrified of being a parent. I've seen so many single mom's struggle that I don't think I would ever trust a man to stick around and help. I know that comes from a place of brokeness. I feel like an outcast society for not fitting in the mainstream superwoman way of doing it all and being all of it. I'd rather work on myself first. I'm glad I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing your story. I think there are enough human beings and I think there a lot of other ways to leave a lagacy other than having a baby. That's amazing that you carried a baby for your sister.

Actually I am a man now. I am transgendered. I spent decades in denial. I couldn't face who I was. I have been honest for a while now and I have started transitioning. I am legally a man. I do feel the same as you though (not exactly but close on the men not sticking around, I have known a couple that didn't). You are absolutely welcome and I am glad that it helped.