Alone Again

Just out of my first relationship which lasted almost 4 years.
I'm having very mixed thoughts.

I have decided that I want to enjoy some time alone...cultivating my life and working on some self improvement are things I must do before I can be with anyone else anyway. I don't want to find someone else until I am awesome myself.....it has occurred to me since this break-up that my standards have now heightened to quite a degree (previously, I had like none...keeping in mind that I started my first relationship at 18, as a naiive senior in high school.)

The problem is, I don't feel compatible with most people; it feels like I'll never be able to relate to anyone on such a personal level, seriously (the way my parents are involved, my aunt and uncle, grandparents, etc...) let alone have good friends (something else I really desire. Right now I only have like 1 friend, and I never see her anyway.)

Since I've switched completely to online classes to finish my Associate's degree (though i may be going away to college if i decide to pursue higher education), and I am unemployed at 21, I don't feel that I'll ever be able to meet someone. I hate to admit it, but I'm picky...being awkward and shy doesn't help. I find it very difficult to meet people and start conversations,

I personally find it hard to conform; conform to being just one thing, conform to society...
there are just too many ifs, ands, and buts, for me to ever find someone who is right.
I'm starting to lose hope that there are even people I could relate to.

Sometimes I'm afraid that I am the only person like me...the only person wishing for things that don't exist, would never happen. The only person living in a fairytale where sweet love exists, as do peace and happiness.

Is there even love anymore? Loving someone just for who they are, not only sex? Are there people who commit to just one person, and only want that one person? After some introspection, I've realized that I don't want to go around trying out people like they are clothes or ice cream flavors. I want to find someone I can fight the world with (because for some reason, I feel like I'm standing alone against the world.) It would be nice to mean something to someone...to be needed...to have that special role that no one else can fill.

Are there people who don't need drugs or alcohol to have fun? What about experiencing life without substance abuse? What about breathing fresh air and seeing things clearly? An unadulterated mind (except in my case I already have eccentricities that alter my mind. haha)
I admit to having the "I'll try [almost] anything once" attitude, but that's more about curiosity and I'm not the type to become addicted to things, especially harmful ones.

What about just finding enjoyment in simple things? Do people do that? Not like me, I don't expect anyone to be as enthralled with the simplest things the way I am but....do people really need so much? Do other people see wonder and beauty in unexpected places too?
Is it possible to enjoy technology but also more traditional things?
What about traditional values?

I just feel so alone sometimes..


Then again, when I think about it, I'm also quite a loner and half of me would need that freedom, that alone time, not being with someone. If i ever find a partner again, I'll have to find a balance.
I would enjoy having a house to myself, being independent and in control of my finances, choices, and my whole life.
Before I ever meet someone, I want to have my life in order and I need to build up a lot of self-confidence in order to be able to open up and trust again...it feels like I'll never be able to do that again. I can't imagine myself ever being happy with anyone else, let alone doing all those things again like kissing and being intimate or whatever.
I'm afraid to open up to anyone, afraid that I will get hurt again and end up investing more precious time and emotions which become wasted eventually.

I still can't believe how easily my ex-bf just goes to different people looking for no-strings flings. I saw some of the E-mails he sent to people on Craigslist and he states that he doesn't want stress or a relationship. Just "no strings." And he can do all that again, with anyone. I want something more meaningful. I could never do what he is doing. It makes me feel meaningless.

I have to start healing somehow.
Delete151 Delete151
26-30, F
1 Response Sep 16, 2012

I feel like I could've written this myself. I just feel the same way. I'm 21 and I'm in a relationship. But it isn't the right one. We've been together for 3 1/2 years now, but there are so many things we don't share. Big things, you know? Like where we want to live, when we want to have kids, where we want to travel. He's not the one for me, but I'm just so afraid of being alone. I also take study from home and I don't have that many friends. I have a job that I hate and I don't know what to do with my life. I just have to keep telling myself that it has to get better. I know I should start living life now and now wishing it away, but it's difficult when you're not happy.
I hope things are getting better for you, but just know that you're really not the only person who feels this way.