I Just Don't Know...

My heart is all over the place. Is it possible to be in love with two people at once? Is it possible to be IN LOVE with two different people in different ways at the same time? These are questions I keep asking myself. I guess it's best to just explain:

I'm going to use code names.


"Nora" and I have been together on and off for the past 7 years. It's a little unonventional. She's 8 years older than I am. When we first got together, I was 18 and she was 26. But somehow we worked. We were a great couple for the first few years. But then reality hit and we went through problems. One week one of us wanted to get married, the next week the other one would want to sleep with other people. So it's been rocky the past few years.  She broke up with me last Valentine's Day. It took us almost a year to see each other again....So yeah we're seeing each other again. We have been for maybe 3 months. She was house sitting for a friend for a few days and I went and stayed with her for 3 days. It was great and really good for us to spend some real quality time together. We decided to start hanging out semi-regularly again. It started out nice, but now we're already having problems again. We both have very busy lives and it's hard for us to find time to spend together. But we know that we love each other. And we know that in the end we're going to end up together. Just don't know when.  We're kinda stuck in a vicious circle....

So lets bring "Amanda" into the mix. She's AMAZING!! I just met her at a party last weekend. We hit it off instantly. We spent the whole night getting lost in each others eyes.  There's a catch though. She lives across the country. She was just in town visiting a friend when we met. She's already back home. But we've been texting non stop. I can't get her off of my mind. Just seeing that I have a text coming through from her makes me smile, big. I'm a musician and I'm always the one singing songs to girls. But she's also a musician and she wrote and recorded a song and sent it to me. I've never ever thought in a million years that that would happen to me. I feel like I love her already.

So that's the backstory. some of it anyway.... I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should listen to my heart or my head. I know that I love "Nora" and that I will my whole life. She was my first love. But I also know that people like "Amanda" don't come along everyday. Connections like that aren't an accident.

I'm having a hard time trying to decide if I just don't want to be alone or if any of this love is real. Do I keep going out with "Nora" because I like the physical attention? Because I like feeling her warm hands on my skin? Or do I really believe myself when I say I love her? And what about "Amanda?" Do I like her because she's everything I really want "Nora" to be? Or do I just miss that "new relationship" feeling? She wrote me a song!!! Aaahh, I just don't know? Any words of wisdom and/or advice?

(if it makes any difference, this is a lesbian love triangle)






Suicidebrody Suicidebrody
22-25, F
Mar 7, 2009