Tired Of Being Fat. I Want To Accept Myself Just The Way I Am

I wasn't born fat. Actually when I look my photos in the past, I looked thin in a healthy way.
The thing is, I was never quite concerned with my weight
Come to think of it, I used to eat naturally, and I don't do exercise for the sake of keeping fit
Cuz I don't think I'd ever dreamt that I'd become fat one day

I think it all began when I started to suffer from stress when I was in grade 6
I was worried about my school results, and so everyday I just sat there and studied
I didn't even realize that I've become a stress-eater!
I ate and ate...without realizing that I was eating abnormally

Finally, I gained at least 15 pounds I think, in a year.
It was terrible
Since then, it's like hell.
not only I had to cope with stress at school
I also had to hear a lot of people saying to me that I'm fat

I would never forget the time when once I was having dinner with my grandpa
he looked at me and said to me "You're so fat!". In front of everyone. My parents, my brother, my relatives.
I literally ran to my bedroom and cried my heart out
I know it sounds so weak, so pathetic. But you can't imagine how hard I was already trying to lose weight at that time
My self-esteem was already so low.
And it's extra hard to take when your family member do this to you.
I still feel so humiliated whenever I think about it.

At the time I was not only mad at my grandpa, to be honest I was so mad with myself
Why couldn't I be thin? I almost felt annoyed at myself
I know it's so wicked of me to think like that.
I know I have to love myself, to accept myself
but it feels as though people around me don't accept me!

A lot of people try to tell me that I'm not fat, but I don't know whether I should trust them
I've got a feeling that they're trying to comfort me

It's extra hard for me that people around me are all thin
My cousins, my friends....everyone at my age are thin
To be perfectly honest, there're times when I feel truly jealous.
To add insult to injury, they often look at themselves in the mirror and go like "oh gosh, I'm so fat!!"
even though they have a completely flat tummy
moreover,they often look at people around and say to me who's fat, who's ugly
I often feel like I'm exactly like the one that they're pointing their fingers at
so I take things very personally even though they're not comments on me

Sometimes I can't help thinking that
if you're judging and stabbing people's back like that, isn't it quite likely that you're judging me behind my back?
I know there must be people who say I'm fat.. and I don't like it.
I don't even wanna be skinny or anything, I just wish that my weight and appearance wouldn't be a centre of attention
I don't want people to ask questions like "hey, you're trying to lose weight?" when I was just eating an apple as a snack
I don't want people to say things like "excuse me, fattie" like it was my name

How can people be so tactless?
The worst part of it is that I couldn't react to these, I had to act like I'm cool with it. Like I hadn't heard them.

I've had enough.
I'm tired of this.
I mean, it's like many people think that fat people are lazy and just sit around
but it's not true
cuz, I think we all wanna be beautiful.

I never confided this much in anyone, because I don't think anyone, around me at least, would understand
and I'm too embarassed to admit that weight issue actually bothers me
I hope people in here might know what I'm talking about

majorocker majorocker
2 Responses Sep 6, 2011

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I can relate to your story in many ways. . I also hate hearing my thin friends say 'im fat' , when they are a good size because then it makes me feel ...like what must they think of me, if that's how they see themselves. Going out in public can also be a scary thing. I just constantly think, that everyones staring at me and judging me, and I feel bad about it. My boyfriend always says it's ok, and that i'm beautiful but i want to FEEL beautiful. It's hard to stick to a weight loss plan, I've tried so many things out there. I'm at the point where I feel like there is no hope for me. I have no support system, or encouragment for losing weight because everyone around me eats very unhealthy things 24/7. Maybe we can help each other out if we log to each other what we eat. Give each other that extra push we need, that we don't receive anywhere else. Motivation. Just letting you know, that you're not alone in this.