No More Goals, Nothing To Look Forward To...I am an engaged 40 year old, divorced twice, no kids, financially stable with a great career; I reconnected with my college best friend a few years ago - which brought me from being totally alone with furbabies for quite a few years, to being an instant "psuedo stepmom" to his 2 teenage girls - that have loyalties to only their mother and no one else. Which is understandable. My relationship with my love is great; we should've taken that step back in college, but we were both too scared - both "taken" at the time and loyal to our SO's at the time. We wish we could change things and go back - but we both know that it would not have worked back then, as we are older and wiser now, and fully knowing what we want out of life. All I know is that I've always wanted a child of my own, but held out for the 'right' man... and now that he's here - my chances of fulfilling my goals are slim to none: although he says he would be honored to give me a child some day - deep down I know he wants nothing to do with another child; he's been hurt by his ex and has lost any bond he had with his daughters, plus he enjoys that it is just "him and I" against the world - we are a team, which is great - but all of his "future plans" involve him and I alone against the world... which is very disconcerting sometimes.
When we reconnected, he was a drunk - driven there by his "ex", who: Left him destitute at the divorce ten years ago; who has continued to poison his children against him since; who has not let him see his children for years because he's been frequently unemployed and cannot pay child support; who - we've taken back to court on a boatload of contempt charges plus child support modification last year, which the case is still ongoing due to "her" constant rescheduling of court dates, which gives her plenty of more time to turn the children against their father even more - for no reason (she was the adulterous wife who wanted the divorce-why is he the bad guy?); granted there is no excuse for letting yourself "go" and "giving up" because of what happened in your previous life - but sometimes life gets the better of you and you fall, without having a good support system to lift you back up. When we reconnected - I was his only support, and I still am; I was the one who 'understood' what he was going through, and I was the one who did the research and took the steps necessary to get him into recovery - which he went willingly very early on; I 'saved him' as his family claims - I did it for love and love alone. That was almost 2 years ago. Now he's sober, gainfully employed and well on his way back to the confidence he once had in his earlier years... and he always says he owes it all to me.
Already at the start of our life together, I've taken many steps that women would not do: take in and sober up their SO, provide for their SO until they can get back on their feet financially - including retaining the family law attorney to "fix" his years of child support issues, including being the lead for the attorney because my SO does not deal well with administrative & legal stuff, etc - I've taken it all on - exposed myself to his entired married life with his ex. And now that after two years everything seems to be falling into place, awaiting the finale of the court crap so we can get on with our lives, I should find myself ecstatic! But I don't... quite the opposite... I feel like I don't want to be here anymore - the "here" being a human being on planet earth.
I am almost 41 years old; every other female around me is already a mom or becoming a mom for the first time... and here I sit, year after year, no babies for me. Did I wait too long - yes; but I waited for the right reasons. We don't "try" very often to conceive - him being a very different man intimately now that he's sober - very shy, unable to express intimacy, etc. We make do; it's been baby steps since the beginning. Due to the court crap we've been waiting to get married - his excuse was that he didn't want me hurt financially due to his child support issues, since I own my home, have a nice nest egg$$, etc. - but I recently found out that getting married will not expose me financially to his financial problems, that I am safe - and I have expressed that to him, which he seems happy about. He considers us already married - but he doesn't understand it's not the same in the eyes of society, and being "legal" is very important to me. I've already told him I will not mention marriage again because I'm tired of beating the dead horse... he seems to think it's OK to wait forever; he thinks that the 'gaps will be filled' in due time - the 'gap' being a baby. Yes women wait nowadays to start a family, but my chances of conceiving in my 40s is a risk, and less than a 50% chance in my mind. If I was meant to have a child, it would've already happened; I'm already chalking it up to it not being the cards for me at all; for some reason I feel that I am barren; of all the good I have done in the world, this is my reward.
And this is where I stand; working 50 hours a week, spending little time with my love - as he works the same hours, six days a week; forking out our hard-earned money for his ridiculous child support$$ payments - knowing that the money is just going towards "her" credit card bills/her new Audi every year/her fake boobs, etc and NOT to the kids wellbeing; the hours we do spend together is doing chores on the weekends. His child support$$ payments leave us with no "play" money - as in we never eat out, we never go anywhere, we never buy anything... and when you add it all together - it leaves me with very little motivation for the future. My dreams: shattered. I'm an intelligent, logical woman - I can do anything I set my mind to do... and what do I see for the future - absolutely nothing. Yes, I am in love and I am loved; yes I have shelter and can afford life's basic necessities; yes, I am glad that I have found someone to spend the rest of my life with and that alone should make me happy; and yes - deep down I am selfishly grateful for my love's lost bond with his children, because in all honesty - I don't want to deal with some other woman's kids, who has raised them contrary to mine and my love's morales and beliefs (if that is morally wrong I apologize but it's the truth). Being a stepmom sucks when you have no children of your own, and even more when the possibility of having a family of your own one day is slim to none. But what hurts the most - he does not care about the lost bond with his kids, could care less if he ever talks to them again - which I don't blame him due to the circumstances; there is no way to tell the kids their mom is a liar and is totally wrong at this age, so he hopes that some day they will come around - but he's not holding his breath; deep down it all kills me because he has children he's basically saying he doesn't want... and here I am wanting children I can't have.
Which is why every day I question: what point is there to life? All my dreams are shattered, I have nothing to look foward to... it's the incessant Groundhog Day everyday: wake up, go to work, be aggravated with work, come home exhausted, fork out all this money on bills that just keep going up thanks to this crappy economy, go to bed and start the day over again. I use to look forward to coming home, and now I don't want to be there either; I don't want to be anywhere, I don't feel comfortable anywhere... I just don't want to be "here" anymore. I feel I have no life lessons let to learn; I feel I have given everything to everyone and I have nothing left in me to give. And I hate feeling like this.
And what prompted this feeling in me today to write about it? I was told that my bosses wife is pregnant again with their second child; this told to me by a miserable coworker with 3 kids of her own (who is just miserable in her home life) - told to my face alone because she knows I want kids and never will have one. Feeling crappy enough as it is today, this pushed me past my limits. I just don't want to be anymore, I just don't want to exist.
Thanks for listening.
nlghtnd 41-45, F 2 Responses 1 May 4, 2011