I'm Tired Of Being Me

I’m a firm believer in fate. For years now, the only thing stopping me from going insane is the fact that everything happens for a reason, and you need to be patient to see why. Looking back, I don’t remember what kept me so strong. I think about everything I’ve been through in the past and I’m not sure how I’m still here. I don’t know how I didn’t just quit when the “simple” option was there all along. I waited and waited, and pushed through everything, in hopes that it would get better. And I was wrong. I don’t even believe in a God anymore. To me, it’s irrelevant. And now, I’m still trying to push through. It’s even tougher than all the years before. I’m growing more tired and weak. I don’t have motivation anymore. Every single day, the only thoughts that go through my head is myself questioning what I’m doing here, if I’m going to be happy, if I’m not going to regret anything in the future, and how I don’t want to be me anymore. And I don’t want to sound like a pathetic and helpless person writing about how depressed they are, but I have experienced death after death. Disappointment after disappointment. Criticism after criticism. Everyone in my life has either left, hurt, or condemned me. And I always feel like I deserve it, for some reason, but I don’t. It’s not fair. I don’t trust people, or get close to them. And if I do become close to one person, history shows that they all leave. I give up. I don’t want to be alone, but I’m done with the hurt. It’s too much. I’m searching for the reason why all of this has happened, but that reason needs to come soon, because I’ve been patient for years, and it’s too much for me to handle anymore. I never got a break. All my life has ever been is a cycle of unfortunate events. I know that I should count my blessings and life is a gift, but to what extent? I’m not a selfish person, and that’s the only reason I haven’t stopped living. I’ve tried everything, and I don’t know how to help myself anymore.
cvasselin cvasselin
3 Responses Feb 13, 2012

I can be here for you parts of the day. :) You'll make it, just gotta be creative.

How are you doing now? It's been almost a year

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