I Can't Escape From Myself

I completely hear what you guys are saying here.

I think I spend way too much time comparing myself with or fantasizing that I am another person, or whoever the particular person is that I'm thinking of.  I've done this for as long as I remember.

I just know that I would be a better person with a more fulfilled life if I weren't me.  However, no matter what I do, I am stuck with who I am. I've been taking anti-depressants and going for talk therapy for several years and I feel this way.

I wish that I were in my 20s so I can take the time to figure things out and not be the miserable lost soul I am with nothing to show for my troubles at nearly 40. Oh my god, I am so pathetic. My best years are gone and who would want me now?

Why the hell was I born as "ME"? Now, I totally understand it could be worse...birth defects, handicapped, other awful things...and I should be thankful for the health and good things I have, but it still can't remove the dark cloud over me.

It actually terrifies me for a moment when I think that I am stuck being me for the rest of my conscious life.

wedneschild wedneschild
4 Responses Dec 16, 2008

I used to lie about everything just so I could create the me that I wanted . Now, I can't lie because the me that I am is so freaking apparent.

I feel exactly the same. My mother died when I was seven but I'm not even sure I liked being more before that. I have fantasised about being other people for as long as I can remember. People who've got a mother, siblings, good upbringing, etc. I don't think I ever imagined as a child that I would still feel this way as an adult. I thought I could change my life and make it so good that I would be happy to be me but everything seems to go round in circles, the same patterns repeat themselves, things feel just as bad as they did when I was a child. I have the exact same thought "Why the hell was I born as me?" and also your last sentence.

Please consider that what you think you see, may not be what is actually there. The more you get to the essence of you, of life (which will in the end all be the same), the more you will see that all that you thought defined you, is of no importance. If it is not your thing, don't mind me suggesting it and leave the suggestion be, but could I advise you on some reading that might help you? Have you ever read 'The power of now' by Eckhart Tolle, or 'A new earth'? (I have read them in that order, and that worked very well - 'The power of now' is a good personal start, 'A new earth' gives the broadest picture). You know what might work for you right now? Don't fight yourself anymore. Dare to believe that you are here for a purpose, and that it is going to be allright in a way you might not be able to see at this point. Just leave your 'you' be what it is, because what you resist, persists - and give the wisdom and love others poured into the world to help you, a try with an open mind. Do you know Eckhart Tolle hit rock bottom in his life totally, before surrendering all his old thoughts and finding his life path? Another book you might like is 'End the struggle and dance with life' by Susan Jeffers - it helped me a lot with letting go of fears, feelings of huge responsability and ideas about what I should be or do, and other burdens. Do consider investing some of your time (and, if your library doesn't have these books, money) in the wisdom that is available from others. Don't burden yourself with guilt of who you are and what you did or shoulde be doing about this huge project called life. It is no project, the secret is in learning to be with what is, now,and to learn to embrace it all (something I am also still working on, but every step is a good one). Before all else, before all you can do, comes the finding of a bit of comfort and happiness, and you have every right to it! But again, if this is all just not for you, feel free to ignore it. Yet I did want to share what I could by way of suggestions. I do wish you the best.

everyone chooses who they are... think about it.. .your not the same person you were when you were eight or when you were 20... you can make the choice to change your situation ... maybe not every single little thing but somethings can be changed... your attitude... some of the company you keep... new company you could make... dont give up keep hope and take action... life is still just right ahead .<br />