All the Time

It seems that I have a "drama magnet" sewn somewhere within my body...  I know that my illness put me in a position where I have caused my fair share of drama in my personal life in the past year or so (or the past decade or two, to be honest...)  But now that I am on the road to recovering from my illness and I am not the same ugly person I was six months or so ago, the drama still seems to follow me around.  Especially with one special friend in my life...

First off: no, the person is not here on EP.  As far as I know, they are totally unaware EP exists and would never come here for support the way most of us do--that is just not how they are.  I know I hurt this person very much when I was in the worst of my illness.  I lashed out at them, I accused them, I treated them with utter disrespect much of the time.  I really did not deserve to continue that friendship, but they made the decision to stay by my side and continue the relationship and try to work through things.  I was and still am incredibly grateful for that decision.

But since then, there have still been issues on almost a weekly basis.  Now that I am more clear-headed, I can see that not all of the issues are being caused by me.  I would take full blame if they were my fault, but honestly they are not all due to me or my actions or feelings.  I try so hard to simply be a good friend as I know this person is going through an extremely hard time in their life--marital issues, a major pay cut at work, problems with kids....  They stood by me through the worst of my illness.  They were one of the two people in my "real" life that figured out just how suicidal I was at one time and struggled to help me through to the other side.  They really worked at being my friend.  I owe them that much and so much more at the very least--I should be the same stand-by-them friend that they were for me.  And I am trying very hard to be that person.

The major issue for me is not that they are having issues or that they need a friend--it is that their personal issues are making them more sensitive than normal, and that they are lashing out at me.  Now, I know I lashed out at them at one time so I would not ever judge them for doing so when they are having a hard time.  The problem I am having with all of it is that I am still getting blamed for all of the drama to this day--it is all my fault in their eyes, it is always something I have done or said or not done right or not said... and they keep threatening me with walking away from the relationship entirely if I don't shape up and change.  I am not doing anything wrong, but I am still the one getting threatened.

Sadly we are in the midst of what I feel may very well be the final days of our friendship, and this is a relationship I have struggled to keep together for four years now.  I do not make friends easily, and keeping them is even harder for me, so I am heartbroken at the idea that not only am I about to lose this friendship but that I am going to lose it and be blamed for losing it even though I haven't done anything wrong.  It's constant drama with this person, even now...  I do not understand how to avoid it as I have done everything within my power, and I don't understand why it keeps happening.  They said that they were my friend, that they forgave me for all I had done and said in the worst of my illness, but every time something happens that they do not like or do not agree with me on they tout out the way I have acted in the past and give me the "if this happens one more time I'm walking" speech.

I am just so tired of all of the drama, period.  I am tired of constantly walking on eggshells--of constantly worrying if I have upset them again, or wondering why they are not talking to me as they once did.  I do feel deep in my heart that a good portion of this relationship has already met its demise, and that perhaps all I am doing is hanging on to the tattered remains of what once was a shining and golden relationship.  I am loathe to admit that to myself in any form, and my basic nature battles intensely against losing any relationship in my life that I have fought this hard for, for so long.  This relationship really does mean the world to me.  But I am no longer certain it means as much to them...and I have to wonder if they are not creating some of the drama themselves as a way to cause me to walk away first so they do not have to be the bad guy... 

I'm just tired of drama period.  I'm so glad I'm going on vacation next week.  I need to get away from all of this for a while--for more than just one afternoon hiding out at a secret spot at the lake with a pint of Turkey and a large Dr. Pepper.  Oh, and the first cigarettes I have smoked in several years...  I need to get some space so I can keep the clarity I have gained so far and maybe gain some more, because I am starting to get very fuzzy again on whether or not it is all my fault again...

dyin2live dyin2live
31-35, F
Mar 11, 2009