I Don't Want to Die Yet

I have written a lot about what is going on in my life, but I haven't gotten out all that is happening.

Three weeks ago I shared about being diagnosed with STAGE II MELANOMA.  What I didn't share was I have the rarest of all Melanoma's.  I am really scared right now.  Statistically, everything I have read and all of the clinical trials show is - VERY POOR PROGNOSIS FOR SURVIVAL.  My doctors tell me that they feel that the surgery removed all of the cancer, and the radiation will be insurance, but I was told that this cancer usually, ALWAYS reoccurs.  We live in a state that has very limited health care and we don't have access to a lot of high quality doctors.  I wish I could afford to go to the West or East Coast where all of the specialists are.  Even though I know that that's not a guarantee of survival either.

Studies show that most patients die within a year of diagnosis.  Only 2% of patients with Melanoma develop the type I have.  I am a bit sensitive about the type, so I will just say it is Gynecological. I start radiation next week and I feel really beat up.  When it rains it pours.  My husband left me recently and now the cancer.  **** **** ****.  I am normally not someone to feel sorry for myself.  I have been sharing my positive outlook (which I really do feel at times), sharing laughs and comfort from my ep friends and the ones that are physically here, but part of me just wants to scream at the world.

I am not so afraid to die for me, it is my 6 year old son that I am worried about.  I cry just thinking about leaving my baby behind without a Mommy.  We are attached at the hip and I can't bare the thought of leaving him. 

I want to see him grow.

Cheer for him at his ball games.

Beam when he sings in the choir.

Watch him graduate with pride.

Comfort him over lost loves.

Congratulate him on his first job.

Meet his wife.

Know his children.

DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.  Life feels really unfair today. I DON'T WANT TO DIE.  I WANT TO LIVE.

childoftheland childoftheland
46-50, F
6 Responses Mar 12, 2009

Thank you everyone for your love and support. It is scary yes, but I will go through this with grace. <br />
<br />
Now it is off to my second radiation treatment - maybe I will glow green today!

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Childoftheland,<br />
<br />
Enjoy the time you have and hopefully that will be a LONG time to be with your son. A lot of us on EP ***** an moan about lots of things but you have a right too and choose to still lighten other peoples day. You are a saint in the making. You son can only be successful with a mother like you. You will watch him grow either from here or there but you will watch him grow. In a bl<x>ink of an eye, he will be with you too. Hang in there, we are all pulling for you.<br />
CS

I do feel it is important to keep a positive outlook. But I also know it isn't good to repress or deny the bad feelings either. Do let them out. Give them their voice for a little bit anyways. Acknowledge that anyone would fell angry and sad and scared , and that you have every right to feel these things. Scream and yell and swear.<br />
<br />
I know that you understand the benefits of laughter and positivity and you will know when it is time to return to that.<br />
<br />
But, hell yes! Take time to feel what you are entitled to feel.

hi child<br />
<br />
where to begin. <br />
<br />
firstly, your husband is an idiot. "a good woman is like a crown of jewels". Also he has brought untold curses upon himself and his new life.<br />
<br />
i believe the teaching "You cannot make one hair o your head black or white..... You cannot add one day to life nor shorten it by one second".<br />
<br />
Get up and enjoy your physicality before you have chemo/radiation treatment because after you will feel too lousy.<br />
<br />
Don't worry about your son. he belongs to the community. this is the african way. when he steps out of the house everybody out there is his uncle, aunt, grandfather, brother, etc. (within the context of reasonable safe practices). If God calls you early, know that your work here is done and that you will watch him from another dimension.<br />
<br />
You already know his children. They are in your genes. <br />
<br />
about your illness, there is nothing that faith cannot heal. ask and it shall be given to you.<br />
<br />
you are in my prayers. <br />
<br />
i lost my son when he was 14 in an auto accident. without my faith system i would probably have gone mad.<br />
<br />
strength, peace, grace and love to you.<br />
<br />
b

Can only give you a big hug<BR>I wish I could somehow comfort you .. <BR>I pray you will recover