I Want To Kill Myself Just So That I Don't Inflict What My Mother Did To The World.

There is only 1 friend who can tell me the brutal truth about myself and still remain friends with me after the fact. But yesterday when she told me that I was becoming my mother and that I have to stop it, I just wanted to DIE.

After a not so goodnight's sleep, I am depressed today. I'd rather die than inflict myself on the world if I am turning out like my mother.

Look, my mother is not a bad person. I love my mother, I just don't like her very much. She was always very hard on me, nothing was ever good enough for her to the point that I stopped trying all together to please her. And she takes her religious beliefs so seriously that she would alienate her daughters for making alternative, 'unacceptable' life choices that go against her staunch Christian beliefs. (My sister married a Muslim and converted to Islam, I am living in sin with my non-Christian boyfriend). We understand that God is important to her, but surely she can show more Christian love to her own kids.

On a micro level, she is always negative, imagining the worst possible and will nag everyone to death to get her way. On occasion, she descends into hysterics. A classic drama queen whose life has become so broing that she takes any small thing and blows it up into a the worst and most negative drama, just for her entertainment and to seek others' attention and sympathy.

And on that level, my friend said I was becoming like her. I am not in a good place in my life now and I am miserable in my job. And these negative traits are showing up in full force these days. I don't know how to stop it, or maybe I am too chicken to make a change that will make me happier, but here I am.

Rather than inflict myself on the rest of the world, I think I want to die. The negativity should not pass on, I should cut off this family curse from my end.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 22, 2013