My Mother Has Schizophrenia. I Struggle With How This Ruined My Childhood,And Still Affects Me Right Now Today. It'S Rough.

Growing up as a child I lived in fear. Fear of when would my schizophrenic mother have another episode. Fear of which relative my sister and I would live with next. Fear that she would come to my school again and embarrass the crap out of me. Fear that I would have to transfer schools again and leave my new friends. Fear when she was doing well, how much longer before she stopped taking her medication and go right back in the hospital ( and leave me in the hands of other family members,who I might add had their own families to care for).

My whole childhood was fear. It's so hard trying to get over this now that I'm older.

I went to therapy and the therapist basically made me feel like I just needed to change my way of thinking. Ok, I get that, but I'm still hurting. These thoughts of my past still remain in my head no matter how much I "change" my way of thinking. These terrible memories haunt my everyday life.

I can't be around my mother for too long right now today because of all of the horror she put me through as a child. I can't live with her. I love her but, I almost hate her. I know that sounds terrible but I would be lying if I said something else. She can't help it because she is sick. I get that part. But what about me? I feel terrible because I try to live a normal life now that I've grown up, but it's so darn hard. I hate what I went through as a child. I hate that I didn't have a normal relationship with my mother(still don't ). I want to get past this but I find myself right back in fear. This is not a blame game, it's my reality and I wish I could say different, but I can't. Fear of trusting people, building close relationships( not just affiliations), actually caring if I don't talk to people. I can go days without talking to family, friends etc. I almost don't care because it's safe not caring. It's safe because if I don't care I can't get hurt,right? Wrong. I feel terrible. Trust me I do. I pray all the time.

I don't know what to do at this point. I feel like my mothers Schizophrenia has ruined me . My childhood was stolen from me. When I should have been having fun and enjoying my childhood, I was living in hell on earth in the shadow of my mothers Schizophrenia. Maybe I had to experience these terrible things. Ok, but now what? What am I suppose to do with this terrible past experience of mines? Write a book. Ok, but I'm still hurting. I have to get back to me. That little girl that lived in fear almost everyday of her life is no longer a little girl.
The memories however, have not matured. They are still the same way I left them years ago in my childhood. Hurt with nowhere to go for comfort! Sigh....
forestchild forestchild
26-30, F
2 Responses Nov 16, 2013

I've felt like a ruined person most of my life. I've been sure I'm not good enough for anything good. I'm still trying to convince myself I'm not an inherently messed up person. If I'm not inherently messed up, there is hope for me. If I am, there's no hope. So, I have to cling to the thought that there's nothing wrong with ME - but there is something wrong with the way I developed.

Since mothers' role is to guide the development process, when she fails at that, it's her fault ... not yours!! ... that you feel this way. And, every bad decision you've made because of those feelings are her fault too. She shaped your perspective on life. You can only act according to your perspective.

Here's what I think I understand so far:

When we're little, our brains are being programmed. One of the things we learn is how much we're "worth," that is, how fiercely we're allowed to claim our rights. That sense of "self worth" and "self confidence" is originally given to us by our parents - and I'm leaning toward saying it's given to us by our mothers.

We naturally desire comfort, love, rest, peace, and solace from our mothers. I think that when we're not freely given this love, we begin to wonder "why? Surely there's nothing wrong with my mother ... it must be something I've done?"

If your own mother doesn't care about me, am I a mistake? Should I have ever been born?

I've even wanted to fix that mistake at times.

But, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. I'm the only person that cares about me, and I'm not giving up on me. Now that I'm an adult, I have the power to be my own mother, meet my own needs, and at least pretend that I am worth respect and good treatment. Who really gives anyone any rights? It's really just something we want to have, so we behave as if we do to the extent we can get away with, and then we do have rights.

I don't have all the answers, for sure, but I'm looking for them. You didn't make yourself this way, but you do have to figure out how to live with yourself, and how to take care of yourself.

Most of the time I'm able to be a functional human being because I focus on the here-and-now. Every once in awhile, like this weekend, I loose my grip and go back to being the little girl that no one loves.

PM me if you want. We'll make it - we just have to convince ourselves that our mothers are wrong about us.

Hi, I totally feel what you're saying. I will pm you. I just feel so terrible some days (today is one of those days). I see these days on a regular and I don't know what to do to make them stop coming. I also cling to the hope. I also feel here s something wrong with the way I developed. U R so right about it being the mothers role to guide in the development, so when that s broken or derailed in some form, the kid suffers. I suffered then and I'm suffering now. I try so hard to let my childhood horror go, but it is so hard. Omg it is so hard. Some days like today, I just cry and wonder why. Why did I have to go through so much as a kid. I'm older and that kid is still with me. Hurt.

I can relate to what your saying, while I feel your pain it's nice to know there's someone having a similar experience.

My mum is so ...horrible. i dont know if its mental illness or her personality because shes always been this way. I have no hally memories with her at all i dig so deep and find nothing. She flips so easy, everything is my fault, she hates that i get on with my dad, i cant joke with her or even tell her a joke because she thinks its a dig. She couldn find something the other night and trashed the house looking for it and it was all my fault apparently and i had to tidy itup. I couldn leave it as it would of been left to my dad who has a heart problem. While the trashing was going on my dad was having chest pains i thougjt he was gonna have a heart attack and she didnt care. All she cared about was finding what she was lookimg for.

Anyway, what we have most in common is that i went to see a counsellor...and she told me it was like there was a scared little girl trapped inside. I cant let people close, push people away and so i feel super lonely. Im scared of turning in to her. Atm im living at home but even when i still controls me because i worry about my dad and also i just feel like all the unhappiness i had as a kid wont go. Its mad how someone who is supposed to love us can hurt us so much.
Stay strong, i guess i learned mum is never going to change so i have to change how i deal with it. Talking to her about it is not an option so i just have to deal

I'm experiencing the same hell you are.
My mother was never diagnosed with anything. The only description I can give is Religion.

My parents walked around the house with me, chanting in tongues....
Then my mother tried to convince me my father raped me. For years.
Nothing will screw you up as badly as some bad parenting. I feel you. Seriously, if you're as lonely as I am in this, feel free to contact me. I could use talking to someone who gets it.

Best of luck with everything. Remember, no one controls your life besides you.

Hey, thanks for the response. It's been rough. I don't even know if I'm fixable.