I Don't Know Anymore

Not hungry again. I haven't been hungry in days. It can't be healthy. I go days on end, forcing myself to eat something, anything, the smallest amount of food so I’m not considered to be starving myself then I go days on end where I feel like a bottomless pit. What the hell is wrong with me?!
I've often said "Eating is the most inconvenient thing on the planet." It takes too long, stinks up the house if you cook something wrong (or something like boiled eggs) heats up the house in the summer (UGH!!) and dirties dishes that just have to be cleaned up later. So now that’s two chores (because of one) taking up time that could be spent doing something more important.
I'm a mathematical person. I have this belief that there is only a limited supply of emotion in each individual. It's like each emotion is on a scale of 1 to however many emotions people can feel. For example: if I only have the capacity for happiness, sadness, depression, and loving than I have four individual emotional scales that can hold up to 4 emotion jewels.
With 4 scales: Most of the time people run with 1 of scales holding about 3 jewels, 1 holding 1 and the other 2 holding none. The problem with emotional scales (and I truly believe that my system runs on something like these scales) is that sometimes each emotion scale takes back its little jewel. So then each emotion has a little hold on your system. This is when the feeling of indifference comes into play. When you can't feel anything because you feel everything: that’s the indifference that I feel.
These days, the days when each of my scales has its own jewel, these are the days when I'm not hungry. These are the days that last and last for days and weeks on end. I don't understand it. Today is one of those days (yesterday and the day before too). I met this great guy about (at least) two years ago and we've been talking a lot recently and this morning around 1AM we finally made our relationship official.
The problem is that I'm so worried about everything else in my life that I can't enjoy the simple things. I'm pretty sure I'm border line D.I.D. I still talk about Jack (to myself of course) like she's another person. I'm worried about school. I'm about to finish my 2nd year of college literally tomorrow and my grades are not good enough. And I'm behind about 7 credit hours because of scheduling and dropping a class last semester. My car (Lucy) is starting to run worse and worse and I can't find a job. And of course, the biggest one: I'm still worried about my friend (not that I'm blaming her, this is all on me) and I don't know what to do to help her.
I have this "fix it/help" problem. I can't accept that I can't help people. I always want to help people and the closer I am to them, the more I want to help. My friend is the closest person in my life. I've practically replaced the phrase 'best friend' with her name. She's literally saved my life before ... How can I not help her? How can I not know HOW to help her? She needs me whether she admits it or not and I can't do ANYTHING about it.
FML! No wonder I'm not hungry. My brain knows that I can't even take a short break long enough to enjoy my great guy, how the hell am I supposed to take a break long enough to eat?! Is this an eating disorder? My not feeling hungry than feeling like a bottomless pit of hunger? I don't know what it is, but I don't want it to be an eating disorder that's for sure. I've got too many issues in my life as it is.
... Didn't mean for it to be so long. Haven't written in a while and I guess I just had to get it all out. Thanks for listening (well, reading).
hatethestress hatethestress
18-21, F
May 7, 2012