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I Don't Want to Give Up

Not Done Yet.

By: Girlonwire
Written on August 10th, 2011
There are people out there who push me away from death. They want me to live. They will me to keep going, no matter how tired I am. Some of them have no idea that they are my motivation. I see their faces in the blade of my knife. I hear their voices. I can't hurt them by leaving them alone. Most have no idea how close they were to putting me in the ground. How close they were to having a gap in our little group. They don't need to know.
I can't give up, I can't let go. I got over the worst feelings. I fought the demons out of my head long enough to breathe in a sense of clarity. I climbed out of hell. I didn't do all that to go back. I have nothing to prove to you. If you choose to believe I didn't feel pain heavy enough to drive me into a love and a longing for death, that's your problem.
I'm going to keep going. I'll keep getting up every morning, breathing in and out for you. No one should have to feel as bad as I did. I'll take on the occasional spells of depression, I'll get through them..however long they may be. A two year long depression and a five month long suicidal state ALL IN SILENCE has made me tough enough to plow my way through anything. I can swallow any pain. I even like it a little.
So give me your best shot, life. I can take it.
By: Girlonwire
Age: 18-21 , Female
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2 responses
  • Amnonymous1337
    Amnonymous1337

    One more thing.



    "Live For Today But Look Forward To Tomorrow, And Don't Forget To Smile."



    I think that if you apply this to your life everyday, it will be easier to not give up.

    Aug 12, 2011
    1 like
  • Amnonymous1337
    Amnonymous1337

    I have gone through similar things as you.



    My story:



    I'm 17.

    Ever since maybe I was 13 I've felt depression? I can't really remember.

    But, I know sometime around 14 or 15 I started to feel "Emotionless" and the thing is I didn't realize it until later, when a certain someone put the will to live back in me anyway more on that later, emotionless thing first.



    Okay, I rarely ever felt sad, mad, excited, or anything and even when I did it was a very low level of that feeling and it took so much to get me to feel it. (excited and happy never happened though, ever. In this whole emotionless state. I actually don't feel those feelings a lot still. Eh. I still sometimes remember this one time when I was a kid and I was throwing the football around with my family and I was smiling and laughing. I don't know. It's weird to think I was ever a happy person.).



    I felt numb all the time. From the moment I woke up to when I slept. Eventually nothing was fun. It didn't matter if it was new or not. Everything was boring. Eventually I got the idea that death (which at that time I had solidified the idea that death is essentially eternal dreamless sleep into me) was what I wanted. Well, I would have rather of never existed but we all know I can't erase my existence. Anyways, my only reason to not kill myself was for my family because I didn't want to hurt them. But, without being able to fully imagine how much pain they might be in and I didn't have much motivation anyway and I guess I was selfish it wasn't a big enough of a reason to make me want to live. I often said (even to friends and I felt numb the whole time as saying it to them too) "If someone gave me a gun right now, and I knew for sure it would kill me if I shot it at my head, I would do it without hesitation. I just have to know for sure, because the worse thing ever would be to be paralyzed and in a chair for the rest of my life." There was one time when I had moved to a new school and I was telling this to the teachers (I don't remember why, but I told a lot of people because I discussed lots of "theories" (yeah I thought A LOT and came up with so many theories and there was this guy and we'd ponder these theories with logic. I loved pondering theories, I still do now, but my mind is often... pre-occupied with something else anymore.) anyways, I kinda wanted to know if there was ANYONE at ALL like me ANYWHERE and I wondered WHY did I feel the way I did?









    Okay, well there is a lot and a lot of stuff about this but I'm gonna make it short because it's way too long.

    So basically I was emotionless and I had lost my will to live. I did no work in school which eventually got me transferred to some other "special" school which I still did no work there. I did whatever I wanted and never listened to my parents. Ever. I was threatened a lot about jail, but I guess I was lucky. But, at least I was friendly to my friends. Hmm... I don't know I kept waking up (I didn't want to and often lied and said I was sick so I didn't have to go to school) never taking showers except for once a week (and sometimes not even that) and only because my parents kept nagging me about it. I'd go to school in the same clothes sometimes, oddly no one really ever said anything. I walked everywhere with my whole body relaxed. As in let your bottom jaw drop as much as it can and tilt your head back... One time someone made a comment about sucking dicks or something I shrugged it off, but it's one reason I didn't wanna keep my mouth all the way open all the time even thought I still did. hmm... that went on for a long time. Oh yeah one more important thing before I explain how I got my will to live back and then went for one hell of a ride..., ever since I was 13 or 14 I decided I was a loner and that I didn't want to be with anyone because I didn't want to hurt them and especially I didn't think I'd be able to not hurt a girlfriend because I often got mad and hit walls and stuff. I even remember some girls asked me out when I was 14-16 but I told them I was a loner.



    Okay so when I was 16 I was online on a chat site (just normal thing I did when I was bored of other games) and some girl talked to me, she immediately sounded sad because almost immediately I told her how I was talking to a lot of people (like 3,4 or 5 maybe?) and she was like "Oh, okay. I'll just leave then." I was like no wait! (I was a lot nicer to girls and friends than my family but especially nicer to girls my age and I didn't respect authority figures at all during my numb state) well then she asked to call me (I barely knew her... I never even gave my number to my friends at school (which I considered more acquaintances because I never got too close to anyone, but still the closest thing to a friend I had)) anyways I told her I couldn't give her my phone number, and then she told ME to call HER.... she put her number there... and I sat there... staring at the screen for like 5 minutes... and I called her.... well, we started to talk then we started talking a lot... and she had said she loved me from the beginning and I didn't really wanna say it back (but she said like "you don't love me...? ;(" so I started saying it back, I mean I liked her so it didn't feel like that big of a lie. Well, eventaully I started to actually feel HAPPY I just wanted to tell EVERYONE that I loved them!!! I NEVER FELT THAT WAY BEFORE!!!! sigh... well. Eventually I started to feel love for her, (she was my first real relationship...) but there started to be bumps in the road. and we didn't really work out I felt heartbreak which is the worst feeling ever. And I OD'd in an attempt to commit suicide but I woke up a couple hours after... I don't know like a thought was put into my head and I felt SO alert I just woke up thinking like so many things at once about my family and whats gonna happen and how they'll feel and then I called 911 and they got the stuff outta me. I was in the hospital a while if it was a couple hours later it would of been too late they said. I'm lucky...



    Well, I've made a lot of mistakes and some really big ones.

    But I want to be a good person now.

    I want to be a better person.

    I want my 24/7 mindset to be: "I have to be stronger! I will protect the things I love! I won't do anything I would regret ever again!"



    Right now I don't really have any motivation. Again, as that girl was my motivation. But, I don't want to give up on life anymore. I want to keep trying. And I think my first goal should be to become a Doctor. This way I'll have a meaning in life as I can help people and save their lives. Right now that's all I can think of doing to have a meaning to my existence.



    For now, I'm going to try and be kind to people even when they aren't kind to me. I will be generous, and patient, have self-control, be positive even though it is really really hard. And sometimes I want to give up so so badly. But when I don't give up I feel better later for not giving up. Basically all the qualities of like a buddha or Jesus or something, I know I can't be that good, but I want to be respectably close. I will try as hard as I can and I don't want to give up!

    Aug 12, 2011
    1 like