I Dont Want To Go On But I Push Myself Anyways

The title pretty much sums up the past ten years of my life. Everyday is a battle, one that I get closer and closer to losing. Just existing ranks high on list of accomplishments. I often wonder how one person could be so sad. So what follows is my story. I was born 25 years ago to a loving mother who carried the scars of her own tortured youth. By the time I was two my father passed away. I'm told the years that followed were filled with travelling around the world. I say 'told' because I dont really remember much before the age of nine. Eventually we settled in the land of the free. This where my mother met her *** of a husband who commenced to make everyones life a living hell. There are things that have happend to me at the hands of this man that I will never be able to speak of let alone type. Fast forward almost two decades, add a few half siblings and enough social and mental issues to rival the joker and you have me or my life. Getting back to my sadness. My sadness or the pain I feel is like a deformed conjoined twin that no doctor has been able to lop off yet. Its the kind of sadness that makes you physically sick, you can feel it creeping up your throat as if its trying to choke the life out of you. Like I said daily is the battle between myself and my pain, and let me tell you, most of the time I take a beating. A few times 'my twin' has gotten the better of me resulting in me doing some thing stupid (like trying to rid the world of myself or picking up not so nifty coping mechs). All this being said I do keep going on everyday. Everyday I try to find my silver lining, my little glimmer of hope, something that keeps me going. Most days thats my family (my  sibs and mom), I would never want to abandon them, I would never want to make them feel an ounce of the pain that I do, so I go on.
eternallylonely25 eternallylonely25
Sep 12, 2012