I Keep On Hurting People. I Really Don't Want To Hurt Anymore

 I keep on hurting people. I don't want to do it but it seems that I keep on making stupid, stupid mistakes and hurt others.


 Sometimes I hurt people on purpose because I wanted to defend myself. That I don't regret. But I also hurt people who actually care for me whom I also care for. I love them and the guilt is killing me. It seems like the word 'sorry' is never enough because when it comes from me, people don't seem to see that I mean it. I can just weep and cry and beg for their mercy but I don't want them to forgive me because of their pity. I did not mean to hurt the people I love.

I am currently studying away from home so I have no family members to talk to. There's a friend of mine. She's very mother-like and she's like an older sister I have never had. She was always there when I needed someone to talk to. Yesterday I hurt her. I'm not gonna write the whole story because it takes too long. The point is that I made her feel like I betrayed her and made her look like she's a liar. This is the worst way of saying it but I'm feeling terrible already so it doesn't matter. I swear to anything I love the most on earth that I did not do it on purpose. I did a stupid mistake and the outcome is fatal.

Sometimes I think of what is the point of living a life and keep on hurting people. - I just heard some footsteps. For a second I hoped it was her and then she would come in and knock on my door like what she often did when she came home just to check how was I doing  before she's gone to her room.- Sometimes I think what if God created me so I can be the problem He will give to His beloved, religious, faithful people. I don't blame God of course but I'm being honest and stating what I often feel. I feel stupid and ashamed. -Btw I tried to talk to her this morning and she replied as if nothing happened but when I went off to school, I said byebye to her while she was in her room but she didn't reply. And today she went to her room and to be honest I was avoiding her. I'm afraid that I could no longer hold my tears in front of her. I'm a straight girl by the way incase you are wondering why don't I want to cry in front of her anymore. I don't want to be seen crying anymore. So I thought I'd give her some space away from my annoying actions and may be, juuuust maaaay be, she will eventually forget. I said sorry, I apologized many times last night so don't think I didn't say anything to her.- Now I forgot what I wanted to say before the italic words.

 I know it doesn't really make sense only by reading these very unclear sentences, plus, my horrible english. Please pardon me for that and anything else I might have done wrong. I just want to share what I am currently feeling but please, feel free to leave comments or critics or suggestions and I don't mind for some friendly replies hehe . Thanks for spending your supadupah valuable time reading this lame text.

grizzlycorn grizzlycorn
18-21, F
Mar 9, 2010