I Want To Stay As Close To The Edge As I Can Without Going Over. Out On The Edge You See All Kinds Of Things You Can't See From The Center.

I'm listening to Riverside- I believe- and I find this amusing. I finished my suicide letter a few minutes ago at the advice of some site trying to talk me out of killing myself. I'm a little apathetic having spent the past hour and a few pages on my macbook telling my family the cliche' breakup excuse of 'It's not you, it's me'. It really is me, but sometimes they don't help. Yes, I understand it's selfish. I get that. I also can't help that I've had a deathwish for as long as I can remember. I don't know why- I don't have the will to live. This strikes people in my life as funny or even a lie because of my personality, who I am and what I mean to them. I've attempted 4 times, I've thought of joining the armed forces- which shocked everyone around me because I'm not much of a military person (though my family is all military) and I had no explanation for them except that I needed a change. It took awhile but it became apparent to me that I could be killed in combat, in an accident, etc. It's been a bad few years, I take that back- my life has been one bad moment repeated over and over in different ways. I've tried not to let it get to me. I've been negative, angry, positive, content. Whole. Lonely. Lost. Found. I've been to therapy- I've had several different doctors. I've been on sleeping pills. I've been diagnosed with this and that. I've been given anti this and that- never taken them. I've drank myself stupid while taking pills for pain the medication I was on should have taken care of on it's own. I've been through cancer scares, pregnancy scares, break ups, heart broken, betrayed, loved. I've been through the human experience, no less and no more worse for the wear than you or someone you know.

I could say it's because I'm depressed, I could even go as far as to say it's because I'm happy. Truth is, I don't know how to be happy. Even when I think I'm doing it the right way someone comes along and tells me I'm doing it wrong. I've become accustomed to doubting myself, blaming myself and accepting spoonfulls of bullshit that I don't get the point of being anything more than numb these days. I run on what I and probably any one else going through this as well (I'm not arrogant enough to say I'm the only one who feels this way- different words, but same emotions, why else would there be a group for it?) call autopilot. I've learned thanks to people and television how to adapt. I can walk, talk, smile, laugh, eat, sleep, screw and act just like you. I very rarely am found out and when I am it's because I'm really showing you who I am and what I'm all about and mostly it's because I don't care what you think because you either don't count or I don't see you as a threat. It all sounds very negative on my end and I suppose that's ok, I can't be happy all the time.

Simply put- I don't have the will to live. I've started to seriously plan the end, I don't know why I've decided to come somewhere and confess, it could be an unconscious fear deep down, a doubt or even just my last declaration before I take that plunge past the point of safe- who knows. Either way, I'm not alone and it's kind of nice.

So yeah, I don't want to live anymore.

DeliriumofSway DeliriumofSway
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 25, 2010

Was there a reason you didn't take the medications prescribed to you?<br />
<br />
Joining the military might be a good plan. Then at least your family won't have to know that you ended it on purpose. It's a pretty complicated scheme, though, so I guess it depends on how much of a hurry you're in.<br />
<br />
what website were you visiting? seems weird that they'd want you to write out your letter. maybe they think it'll give people pause to think about all that's good in their lives. which of course will kind of backfire on the people who have nothing good in their lives...<br />
<br />
Good luck to you in whatever path you choose.