The last few years I have spent time trying to figure out what it means to be a good person, to get people to understand me and to accomplish all of the goals I had up until now. I am almost 25 and I while suffering depression I destroyed my chance of attaining the grades and the honors in college that used to be so important to me. I isolated myself to the point that all of the people I thought were my friends turned out to be acquaintances and now strangers. I did not understand the value of saving money and when my parents divorced, no one helped me go through college so I did it on my own, with no money left to spare. I have allowed men to use my body because I thought that after spending time with me they would want to get to know the real me and understand my heart and how big it is. In the process I was always left alone and shamed. I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and attempts 4 times in the past 2.5 years. but let us fast forward to now. I am in love. truly, 100% in love with a man who loves me back. I fear that my depression will return and I will ruin it all, that I will lose him. My depression is currently at ease, but this strange desire to not feel the anxiety that I have everyday is still enough to have suicidal thought, there is just no actual motivation to act on it. I know rationally the anxiety will go away eventually. It sucks but it will pass. I live with roommates that make me so anxious that I have a suicidal daydream of killing myself in the middle of the living room on all the furniture so that my spirit can taunt them for being such cold hearted rude and disrespectful people that do not care about my feelings. but thats childish, to think that they would feel guilty. Anyway, I want to live, so I need to find a place to move, where I can be alone and not anxious and happy and in love. Isn't that what normal non depressed people do?
Andzee2012 Andzee2012
22-25, F
Aug 16, 2014