Part 4 - My Betrayal...


Once we get home there is a lingering tension. I'm so upset about everything. I'm screwing around on my phone trying to occupy myself & come across an app that at first I think is a social app like Facebook. As soon as I open it I realize it's a dating app but instead of deleting it like I should, I set up a profile! (so stupid! I know...) The thought of some fresh affection unweighted by all this emotional baggage  & drama is so refreshing & uplifting. I get addicted to the attention quickly. I at first it's like a medication to keep me from feeling depressed. I tell every single person that I'm married & I'm not looking for anything physical, only some attention but they don't care. They shower me with compliments & my selfesteam sores! I know it's wrong... But I keep doing it... At first it's just flirting but progresses to sexting & sharing sexy pix. Feeling that I deserve this adoration. Feelings of self worth that I've not felt for myself in what feels like a lifetime. It goes on for a couple weeks unnoticed... I thought.

My company has an annual meeting out of town mid January where every office in the state get together, which I have to attend. I leave early with the office for the 4 hour drive. We stay the night for the meeting that takes place in the next morning & then drive back that day after the meeting. Of course everyone takes advantage of the free amenities while we are there... When I get home I'm exsohsted from not getting any sleep & fall asleep on the couch sitting next to my husband.  While I'm passed out he goes through my phone, I guess he's been feeling a change in my attitude & desided to do a lil snooping. He finds an app that I'm keeping my sexy pix in but it's a dot lock app that he can't access. He continues to open every single app on my phone looking for more suspicious things. Doesn't find the dating app but a text to a high school aquaintence that he thinks more of then what it really is. He goes through my bag (the same bag I used for our trip the week or so earlyer that I never really unpacked) & finds a pair of sexy panties. He puts it all together in a logical patteren but is still quite off. The panties were the same ones I'd packed to wear for him on our lil get away, they're balled up in the corner of a pocket & I never took them out. He thinks I packed them for someone else but it's really just a coincidence. The text is harmless but he didn't like the person back in high school cause the guy used to openly flirt with his ex & I happened to find him on the dating app but we just chatted, catching up & exchanged numbers. My hubby confronts me when I wake up about the panties, the texts & the dot lock app demanding I show him what's in it. I throw all my pent up feelings at him & lie about everything that is true. I tell him that he isn't going to change & I think I'm done but I don't mean it. I'm just defending myself & trying to avoid him finding out the real truth. 

A week passes & even though I know I need to stop I have develped a lil feeling for one guy on the app although he is 700 miles away. For atleast that week or more my hubby knows all about it! I don't know that he has discovered the truth already... He can see whats being said & sent through the app from our desk top... He desides that he wants to be the guy that I'm flirt with & sending pix to. I'm so engulfed & preprogramed that I don't notice the new found attention & affection my hubby is trying to shower me with. I continue until he gets frustrated enough that he tells me that he knows.

Now, I feel like scum... He tells me he wants to work through it. That he wants to be the man that provides me with all these feelings & that he is sorry he hadn't been doing that all along. I can hardly breath... I don't even feel like I have the right to live. I can't stand the the hurt I've caused him. I get rid of everything, the app & all contact info I have, to show that I am willing to start trying again. At the same time I'm angry & hurt that he didn't realize this sooner! Why not back in Oct?! Before I really did anything. The intent was there but I didn't surface like it could have. It took such shocking & direct "in your face" content to make him realize that I was slipping away!

Regardless, the end result is that he finally did see the big picture before my new habits progressed any farther. He registered to go back to school & has a plan. He seems to genuinely want to get back on his feet & be the man I missed so much. Then makes an appointment with a marriage councillor & we go to 3 sessions. (it's all I could afford) She saw us together in one session & then each separately over a 4 week period. She never took notes in any of the sessions & at the end of my session I asked for advice about feeling the need for closure regarding the one guy I did develop a bit of feeling for. My advice was to pray about it?! Wtf! I could have gotten that advice from a preist for free! I leave crying & call my husband to tell him of my feeling & of the email I sent that morning for my need of closure.

To be continued... Too much happening at this point to skimp. Part 5 is hopefully the last part.
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May 5, 2012