Part 1 - How It All Began

So... Here is my simplified (to the best of my ability) but no more secrets story.

WARNING: This is still kinda long so I will be posting it in parts.


I've been w/ my hubby 6 yrs, married 5 yrs. & we have a 5 yr. old gorgeous lil girl. I've known my hubby since jr high but we were never close friends just hallway aquaintences, had biology class w/ him in 10th grade & we shared some of the same friends. After high school I didn't see him again till I was 22. I had just left a 4 1/2 yr relationship 6 months prior. I was single for more then a month for the 1st time in my life. I spent jr high & high school in 4 lengthily relationships. I never "just" dated really until the summer of 2005 @ 22 yrs old! 

We started dating in Sept. 2005 & got more serious by Oct. I was staying at his house 90% of the time by November & pregnant by the new year. 
January 2006: I'm now 23, pregnant & scared! I wasn't ready for all this. He pleaded w/ me to have our daughter but I was scared. Scared to be pregnant, give birth & be a parent. I thought I was in love w/ him but I knew it was too soon to know for sure. It was too new & I had so many doubts, yet I wanted to see where our relationship was going.  After a week & a lot of tears & thinking I realized what I was really debating. Fear of what being pregnant ment (this I figured would always be a factor, whether it was now or later) & selfishness, knowing that I had to be completly selfless to be the kind of parent I wanted to be. I decided to have a baby & hope for the best because I feared that we wouldn't stay together if I had an abortion. 
Fast forward 6 months July 2006: Being pregnant sucks, at least for me. My last trimester is high risk. Stress goes through the roof, we aren't having sex very often although he has a fetish for prego's. I'm a nympho, but I feel so fat, yucky, scared, stressed & he keeps turning me down... (feeling rejected) I'm crying a lot, I'm scared, worried,  nervous etc... He is supportive but stressed to the max. We don't know each other well enough to know what we need to do to help ease our fears & worries. I spend every other day at the hospital for stress tests on my unborn lil girl. I go to my OBGYN once every other week & to a  paranatologist (a specialist in fetal medicine) once a week alternating between them. I can't carry past 37 wks or it's too dangerous for our baby. So I'm induced into labor August, 21st 2006 & 4 days later on the morning of the 25th, we have the center of our universe now in our arms. We get married in December that yr.
Fast forward September 2007: We're both 25 now (both of us only 7 days apart) & our daughter is 1. He sleeps all the time, I work days & he works nights. If he isn't working he is sleeping even on his days off. I'm so frustrated at this point. He wasn't like this before. When his family has some get together like a birthday, Easter, our own daughters birthday, even Christmas; they ask "where is Xoxo?", I'm tired of explaining & making up excuses... I'm angry & hurt, I feel like a single mom!
After Thanksgiving he tells me he is addicted to pain pills. I'm a bit upset of course but now I see what was going on. Plus he told his mom 1st cause he was worried about telling me. That makes me angry cause I feel that I should be the person he tells this kind of thing. I mean, I did just go through hell & back while I was pregnant with his/our child, I'm his wife, I live with him! But we never really got the chance to be friends, did we... She tells him that he needs to talk to me. We work through it although things are really tough.  We are living "around each other" & we don't talk much. He is severely depressed, sex is almost none existent because of the depression & the drugs. I get turned away so often I stop trying, afraid of the pain of being rejected again. 

To be continued... (if you want to keep reading anyway)
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May 5, 2012