Part 2 - Our Struggles & Secrets.

May 2008:  A friend who I haven't spoken to in a while calls me as she does every blue moon. We had a falling out about 3 yrs before but this time it's different. She had a baby & is in need of a safe place for herself & her new baby boy. I talk to my hubby about letting her stay with us & he agrees although he is apprehensive about the idea. A couple weeks go by, I'm noticing her having the same problems my hubby was having. She nods off but not even his desprate cry for food or a soiled diaper can wake her. I notice blue powder around her nostril & find out she is addicted to the same pain pills! I don't want to kick her out cause of the baby, so I make her promise not to leave them where may hubby can see them, offer or give him any. It ends with a tone of drama, her lieing & steeling from us.
July 2008: We move into a bigger house in a nicer neighborhood where he tells me she is never welcome & doesn't want her to know where we have moved. Months pass & I think he is back on the pills...  I start seeing the same trends popping up again. He is sleeping all day, never around to help with family stuff, our sex life drops off... 
January 2009: We are 26 now... I know something is up & I'm frustrated & I worry all the time. I ask if he is back on the drugs, he gets angry telling me I'm wrong but he keeps getting sick.  Febuary he finally tells me that he gets sick cause he can't get the pills on a regular basis anymore. It's been 7 months since we moved & admits that he has been getting them from my friend who screwd us over! They had been meeting in our ally & at his job for the exchanges the whole time since we moved. We fight & argue... He gets off the pills again... Or so I thought.

We go though most of 2009 with no singnificant changes. I'm suspicious all the time but don't see any proof of relapse. By the end of the year I know something is going on so I start going through his stuff. I asked him if he is on the pills again but he calmly says he isn't. I know he is lying but I don't have any proof. So I try to scare him into telling me the truth by telling him that if he is & I find out he is lying,  I'm going to leave & take our daughter till he gets his **** together. It doesn't help... I've only made things worse. 
February 2010: I find a bag of pills in his pants pocket that he left in my daughter's & my bathroom. He has been lieing to me for almost a yr that he was off of them AGAIN! I confront him & we agrue a lot. He tells me its hopeless, that he can't stop & this is how it's gonna be. A week or so goes by & tell him I'm not sure if I love him the way I should, I tell  him I want to go to a marriage counselor but he refuses & all we do is fight. He insists that he can't get off the pills. We are both 28 now... He looses his job March 2010. He gets another job by June but looses it by the end of August. Now he isn't really looking for a job seriously & I'm more frustrated then ever, taking care of us by myself. I am angry, resentful, neglected both sexually & emotionally. His self confidence & selfesteam is at all time lows.
That same month I qualified for a trip to Chicago with my company & the top agents in our office. I feel deserving of the getaway after all the drama. The 3 day 2 night trip is in September. While I'm in Chicago, hubby gets approved for a maintenance medication which is a huge step in a positive direction for a change. The last night I'm there I get way to wasted all my feelings are on my shoulder... I meet a guy who is cute, drunk & making me feel sexy & wanted which is better then I've felt in a long time. He leans in & kisses me... For a second I kissed him back & in that spilt second  I feel a stab of guilt & shame. I pulled away... I can't even remember his name. He then says we should go back to our hotels. I think, "now I have a chance to ditch him!"  Then I find out he is staying @ the same hotel! We get to my floor & I tell him good night but he doesn't stay in the elevator...  when I walk away he follows, trying to change my mind but I keep telling him to go to his room. He realizes he isn't getting what he wants & as I pass the stairwell on the way to my room, he grabs me & pulls me in. He is forcing himself on me now! I tell him NO but he isn't stopping... He's pulling at me , trying to kiss me. He reaches to unbutton his pants & I completely panic & scream for him to stop, to let me go! It's so load bouncing off the concrete walls. I guess it startled him, he lets go & I make a run for it! My door is only a couple more doors down. I make it inside, quickly closing & locking the door behind me. I fall to the floor in tears. I can't believe what almost happened, or what I've done! I cried till I fell asleep. I have a horrible hangover the next morning & get on the plane home. The guilt, shame, fear & pain is overwhelming. I deside I don't want ANYONE to know, EVER! This haunts me for awhile...

To be continued...
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May 5, 2012