Part 3 - The Downward Spiral

By November my hubby still hasn't seriously focused on looking for work. Out of frustration I tell him, "just be a stay at home dad, I'm making as much money as we make when we're both working anyway..." I thought he'd get his *** in gear, not wanting that but he doesn't fight back. He reluctantly accepts it! I work 55 -  65 hours a week, try to clean up, pay all the bills, grocery shop & cook (when I get home early enough) He isn't really doing anything! All he seems to do is sleep... I only spend one entire day off a week but if it's not football season he sleeps through most of it. Then he makes me feel bad when I gotta go to bed cause I got to get up & take our daughter to school in the morning & get ready for work. His depression is crippling us both & I'm fighting off falling into my own pit of depression. This continues for most of 2011...  We move again in August 2011, our daughter is 5 & starting kindergarten. We are both 29 now. He complains that he feels inaticquite cause he isn't providing for us & begins to pick up the house work to the point that he asks me not to do house stuff cause it makes him feel worse. He starts asking me things like, "do you go hang out anywhere or with anyone when your supposed to be working?" I am gone a lot, keeping myself as busy as I can to keep myself from feeling/thinking of the guilt of my shameful moment or the anger of doing it all myself. Plus knowing that it all falls to me to make sure our needs are meet, I feel no sence of security anymore with regard to our livelihood. I work on commission... Sometimes I'm making great money & sometimes I'm not.

We are still living "around" eachother. The only emotional moments between us, is when we have sex. He complains that I don't initiate sex... He doesn't realize the emotional scares that were caused while he was on & off the pills or the fear I learned from being rejected. I begin to feel the strain more & more. 

Mid October 2011: I'm on Facebook just screwing around. I play a MMORPG game that's connected to Facebook. I see an ad on the right side of the screen. It's a cute guy... I click on it & find myself on I start to wonder as I have before, what it would be like to be with someone else. I never like the picture that I paint even when I jump to the far future yrs after the drama of divorce. But... I'm not happy most of the time anymore, I can't see our future changing or getting better. He hasn't worked in almost 2 yrs. I'm a social butterfly & he is a home body... I set up a profile on the site simply cause I'm curious. I don't really want to get involved with anyone but I need some attention, affection, I need to feel wanted... No pix just a very basic profile with some misleading info. I get a message but can't read it cause the site requires me to pay but I'm curious... So I pay & add a few pix to see what kind of guys would be interested in me. I start getting bombarded with messages! Most I don't reply to or I shut them down... It's holloween morning & I'm feeling very uncomfortable about the site & deside to delete my profile but I can't! I have no idea what my password was & the password recovery it is not working! I have to leave for work & deside that I'll figure it out later. Hubby gets up after I leave and happens to find the profile! I get a ton of texts & calls from him freaking out while I'm in my appointment. I try to explain myself but he is so upset nothing I say is doing any good. I have to call the company to delete the profile since I can't access it on my own & I want it gone by the time I get home. I come straight home to him packing his clothes... I try to explain it, I know it was wrong & I appoligise profusely. We agrue & part of my defence is that I gave him chances even though I should have packed my bags. Even though nothing happened it was wrong of me, period. He doesn't leave. After a couple weeks we settle right back into our rut but with more tension then normal.
Thanksgiving passes... Now it's our anniversary, we're having the best sex we've had in months! I'm thinking (like us women do) while we are in the height of the moment about how much weight seems to be lifted from my shoulders & wonder when I felt so relieved, so uncomplicated. My mind drifts to being a teenager & then all the sudden as if my subconsious is slaping me into reality that life is never easy, my ex from high school pops into my head. Immediately I think of how horrible it would be if I accidently said, "xxxx's" name at this moment. As I think the name in my head, the name verbally leaves my lips instead of my hubby's! I freeze... I'm mortified! I just made a consious fear come true by just thinking it! My husband was right at the point of orgasum as I said it & he finishes & walks away. I don't even know what to say, I'm in complete shock. I don't understand what just happened or know anyone currently with that name nor am I "involved" at all with anyone & I know that he's thinking the worst, certain that he is connecting it to what happened in Oct. Now it's Christmas... there is so much tention between us it's horrible. We get into a huge fight on Christmas morning which just kills me inside. Once the fight subsides he shows me my gift. He saved as much $ as he could over the past months & with his moms help he plans a trip to a super nice resort for us to get away.
January 2012. The trip has a few fantastic moments but overall is drama filled. Our last night there he is looking at **** on our lap top, of girls I could never look like. It hits a nerve & triggers my self conscious feelings about how I look. I feel like a fat cow compaired to these girls. Even though I'm not, I'm a lil drunk & my self consious feelings & low selfesteam take over. We get into a huge argument that lasts all night & our whole trip seems pointless. 

To be continued...
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May 5, 2012