It's Not Something I Feel Proud Of.

This is really long... sorry about that.

I consider myself a good person, but usually everyone has something they wish had turned out in a different way in their life. Be it about love, family, friends, school, projects or work, they are all equally important. And I just happen to think back at something about love and think "it's such a pity it didn't work".

Around three years ago, I entered an art workshop wishing to improve my abilities at drawing. Drawing has always been my dream and at that time I was starting to take it more seriously and learn more to get to the point I wanted to reach. Later on that point moved farther away, but that's not the main story. That only means I love drawing.

The highlight of the story goes to the people I met in that workshop. Everyone there (except for a girl that's now one of my best friends) was smaller than me. Their ages were all below mine, I mean. That fact aside and also putting my childish mind into account (at that time I was terribly childish) I always enjoyed myself when I went there. Every class was fun and I was doing what I love.

It could have been something psicological at the time or just a trick of my mind, but one of the boys there became atractive to me.

Being the straight-forward person I am, my mind set on believing my feelings and the future. If I was lucky, he was going to turn around and see me! After all, we were good friends. We talked and laughed together even through the internet and we called each other a few times. Truth is, in my blind happiness, true happiness, I never even thought of any obstacules, and my mother rapidly presented one to me that became much heavier than I would have ever expected.

Our ages weren't important to me. I believed in my feelings with all my might. But, well, four years difference when the guy is the younger one are noticiable at that young age (under 20 years old).

My mother's sharp opinion turned the "doubts" twicht on in my mind and my confusion and stress began. Until then I had had all the doors open to try anything I wanted. From then on I felt like I had to retreat and actually consider myself only a friend of his. I believed that maintaining a relathionship my parents didn't aprove of would make me feel nervous at home and I didn't want to have to lie to them to go see the boy one or twice a week.

Time went by with me carrying my feelings secretly and always remaining as a friend. A friend that became best friend and a friend who talked with the boy she liked all the time. During that period I also looked at other guys, letting myself explore all the choices in my hands. I fell for one guy during that time but he rejected me and then my cousin went out with him and it was all a big mess, and all this, just as you're reading it but with lots of details, this boy ended up knowing. We talked about everything so it was kind of normal and he never showed those kind of comments bothered him in any way.

Yeah, it seemed like we were going to be friends forever and I started thinking it wouldn't be that bad to just go out with someone else and forget about him. Okay, I tried to think about that but he always managed to get back to the surface of my mind. Specially when he started acting weird. Even through chat it felt like something was happening to him. Then nothing. And he would never say there was something wrong.

After a while, ignoring some strange talks, I was finally close to giving up when he says (through chat) "I love you", followed by an ever surprising admiration sign and three fullstops. At that moment, the first thing I did is, clearly, FREAK OUT. THE HELL?! Was that for real?! Was I misunderstanding something? I couldn't even give a good reply back. Something stupid I won't even mention. And then I continued freaking out some more as we both went off the chat.

Yeah, weird. I admit I'm kind of an idiot when it comes to emotions. Blame the planets! Okay, so, after that followed some more strange conversations and then he suddenly said "I like you anywaaay" and I replied (thankfully through chat, being able to not show the way I was starting to freak out already) with a laugh and saing "I like you, too" (which was actually true, only that I dind't know how I would ever be able to maintain a relationship with him). Ha, he just had to go and answer with "wait, because that's not clear. I meant it in a different way, but I can't show it to you now. Just keep thinking the way you were thinking."

I freaked out once more, thankfully via chat again, and then decided I couldn't just continue freaking out everytime he said something like that. SPECIALLY when I felt the same way towards him! So, I plucked up the courage and confessed. Sadly, I didn't JUST confess. I told him EVERYTHING, from what my mother thought passing through my friends and then back to how I felt about him and dating him (which were two completely different feelings). After all that I asked him only one question. "Your "like" is like friends or like something more?..."

And he resplied, "As friends..."

That's the moment I felt like really giving up for once. I had opened my heart, spit everything out not knowing what I would do if he said yes and then it felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. However, along with it flew something that was part of me. I think a part of my heart wouldn't be working well for a while anymore. But time would heal it, I believed. I just had to forget about how I felt about him.

We continued being friends for another year then. I made more friends meanwhile, I liked another guy and yada yada but nothing ever turned into a real relationship, which was what I wanted the most. The boy had been insistant in talking to me. Before, I had been the one to start the conversations the most, and here he was doing that for me. Finally, without me ever noticing it, I already trusted him like I did before or even more. I let him know of one of the things that made me feel very weak at the moment (a problem with one class in university) and he read everything (though chat) and conforted me. That's the first time I said "I like you" to him. I didn't know in which way I was saying it (friends or lovers?) but it just slipped out and it felt right. But I had already decided we would only be friends. I would keep my resolution.

That's when I thought of it. We never went out to talk over a meal or just sit somewhere and talk. When we met, it would always be for some minutes. Go take the dog for a walk together, walk around aimlessly, run an errands together... few minutes. So I thought, "friends usually hang out together" and sent him a message to go drink something one afternoon. He was so happy it surprised me, but I ignored his extra energy on the message. We would be friends. Just friends.

Then I saw his eyes when we went out. It's difficult to describe but those were loving eyes and those movements to come nearer were obviously not a coincidence. When we were walking back, suddenly the mood lead us to talking about my confession a year before. (Why God, why? haha) and that sentence came out.

"You asked me if my "like" was as friends or as something more... well, I lied."

My eyes almost popped out at that instant and I was near to killing him. We spent the following hour walking around and talking about the topic and I still wasn't sure if I could manage a relationship with him but there I was, suddenly realising we were hugging or walking hand in hand and I was so confused. When the time came we reached his house (two blocks away from mine) his retreating figure hesitating and turning to me again with a 'strange' smile just told me what was coming and I didn't know what to do.

My body reacted first to the kiss but my mind was swirling so harshly and made me so confused that I would pull my head down and interrupt everything trying to stop to think it trought without having a chance as his mouth searched mine again. I couldn't concentrate at all and when it was over, I left. It felt like I scaped. And the following 3 days all I could think of was "what have I done, what have I done, what was I thinking, what have I done".

I was lost. Confused. Worried. Stressed. Totally freaked out. So I chose the worst option out of the slot; try to act like everything is okay but escape from any "I like you" possible and not start conversations... In other words, I was truelly escaping.

The worst thing about all this is that I know I hurt him, even if after some months when I talked to him and apologised, not even being able to explain to him what exactly had happened, he said it was alright and I hadn't hurt him. I regret having hurt someone I truely cared about. Even now, I still care too much about him and continue to not know exactly what to do now that we chat again. I want him to be happy... but I just can't let go and I can't stop myself from wishing, someday, we can try being together when our ages don't matter at all. Because I think I will never forget him completely.

It's very long, but I truely had to just let this out where nobody I know could see it. If anyone reads this, thank you very much beforehand.
AmbitiousRookie AmbitiousRookie
1 Response May 13, 2012

Yes, I agree. You are completely right. The thing is, right now, with all this confusion and haven't seen him in a very long time, plus having already hurt him, I don't kno wif I'm a good choice for him. Will I hurt him again? I'm insecure about this topic. Thank you very much for commenting. It makes me really happy :)