I Don't Want to Lose Him
What happens when your boyfriend refuses to understand the words, "I'm not ok," and refuses to show any sort of support even when desperately requested?
"I always support you sweetie." *gently squeezes arm for a second*
How trite are those words when I'm simply not seeing it in action! He knows I'm plain and simple stressed, depressed and exhausted, and - whether deliberately or not - turns any situation where I am plain and simply asking for help into one where he is the victim of circumstance and I am the instigator of all the problems in our relationship; how I DIDN'T do this and CAN'T do that - of course I can't, I can barely manage getting up some mornings, how on earth am I meant to do things like organise last minute dates in my already unbelievably tight schedule when my mood is liable to simply sink so low I can barely type 'hoyts cinema' into Google, at any time with no warning? At any case that should already be a bad warning sign to anyone using their brain: hey, maybe my girlfriend IS in fact not ok and I should care about that rather than sweeping it under the carpet and whinging about how her mood is getting me so down because my feelings are far more important and I like it how she comforts me when I'm upset.
I wish he comforted me when I was upset. I wish he was a natural carer. I want the soft hidden-to-most side of him to not be so self-centric all the time. He can rabbit on all he wants about how much he cares and how sad he is that I'm sad but it means nothing by now. It's killing our relationship day by day. We're crumbling and I honestly feel I can't make it any more clearer to him that I'm not coping. I've done all I can - honestly. I don't at all expect him to be a mind reader. But how more obvious can you get than crawling into bed completely emotionally spent, unable to do any more, after being mildly rebuked over the phone then having him walk through the door, find me dozing (and starting to stir) in bed and demand I go order some movie tickets online because he's already heaps disappointed we couldn't get into La Premiere seating and wants a special night 'because you promised' (this is why I haven't made promises for a very long time). Only to have me get up like a zombie and mindlessly/wordlessly order tickets on the laptop, print them out, head out the door, and him to say that if I'm going to be acting like this then he doesn't want to go after all.
What more must I do to make him understand that he needs to change his behaviour? He's my boyfriend. Like hell I have him in my life to demean my feelings and experiences. I have him for comfort and love and support and friendship and sex and everything else awesome that comes with this kind of partnership. But if this turns into the same situation I had with my ex then **** it - I'm not that masochistic to hold on to that much pain for not enough reward. We've lasted four years. Give it another few years and I'll be ready to marry this guy - have kids and settle down. But only if things change dramatically and soon. Like hell I'll settle. He'll just have to majorly clean up his act if we're going to ever be married. And the improving has to start now - small steps - otherwise I don't know if I can keep going with this. Ratio-wise, I'm not getting much pleasure to compensate for all the pain. I'm stubborn and enough in love to go the extra mile here (I've already heard from friends that they would never have lasted four years with all the crap I've told them about) but there comes a point when enough is enough. I have been strong hearted enough to forgive so much (four years is a long time and it's easy to **** up here and there) but now with my state of mind it's not so easy. Either support me (don't just say that you do and ignore the fact that I can't honestly see it) or kiss me goodbye. It'll hurt so, so much, but it is what it is. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to wake up in ten years and realise I've been holding on to a memory of the man I fell in love with whilst partnered to someone I truthfully hardly know, either. That happened, in a way, last night when he deliberately said something extremely inflammatory simply to 'see what [I'd] do'. That's not him. At least it didn't use to be. If he's truly changed that much... then I guess I've already lost him.
"I always support you sweetie." *gently squeezes arm for a second*
How trite are those words when I'm simply not seeing it in action! He knows I'm plain and simple stressed, depressed and exhausted, and - whether deliberately or not - turns any situation where I am plain and simply asking for help into one where he is the victim of circumstance and I am the instigator of all the problems in our relationship; how I DIDN'T do this and CAN'T do that - of course I can't, I can barely manage getting up some mornings, how on earth am I meant to do things like organise last minute dates in my already unbelievably tight schedule when my mood is liable to simply sink so low I can barely type 'hoyts cinema' into Google, at any time with no warning? At any case that should already be a bad warning sign to anyone using their brain: hey, maybe my girlfriend IS in fact not ok and I should care about that rather than sweeping it under the carpet and whinging about how her mood is getting me so down because my feelings are far more important and I like it how she comforts me when I'm upset.
I wish he comforted me when I was upset. I wish he was a natural carer. I want the soft hidden-to-most side of him to not be so self-centric all the time. He can rabbit on all he wants about how much he cares and how sad he is that I'm sad but it means nothing by now. It's killing our relationship day by day. We're crumbling and I honestly feel I can't make it any more clearer to him that I'm not coping. I've done all I can - honestly. I don't at all expect him to be a mind reader. But how more obvious can you get than crawling into bed completely emotionally spent, unable to do any more, after being mildly rebuked over the phone then having him walk through the door, find me dozing (and starting to stir) in bed and demand I go order some movie tickets online because he's already heaps disappointed we couldn't get into La Premiere seating and wants a special night 'because you promised' (this is why I haven't made promises for a very long time). Only to have me get up like a zombie and mindlessly/wordlessly order tickets on the laptop, print them out, head out the door, and him to say that if I'm going to be acting like this then he doesn't want to go after all.
What more must I do to make him understand that he needs to change his behaviour? He's my boyfriend. Like hell I have him in my life to demean my feelings and experiences. I have him for comfort and love and support and friendship and sex and everything else awesome that comes with this kind of partnership. But if this turns into the same situation I had with my ex then **** it - I'm not that masochistic to hold on to that much pain for not enough reward. We've lasted four years. Give it another few years and I'll be ready to marry this guy - have kids and settle down. But only if things change dramatically and soon. Like hell I'll settle. He'll just have to majorly clean up his act if we're going to ever be married. And the improving has to start now - small steps - otherwise I don't know if I can keep going with this. Ratio-wise, I'm not getting much pleasure to compensate for all the pain. I'm stubborn and enough in love to go the extra mile here (I've already heard from friends that they would never have lasted four years with all the crap I've told them about) but there comes a point when enough is enough. I have been strong hearted enough to forgive so much (four years is a long time and it's easy to **** up here and there) but now with my state of mind it's not so easy. Either support me (don't just say that you do and ignore the fact that I can't honestly see it) or kiss me goodbye. It'll hurt so, so much, but it is what it is. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to wake up in ten years and realise I've been holding on to a memory of the man I fell in love with whilst partnered to someone I truthfully hardly know, either. That happened, in a way, last night when he deliberately said something extremely inflammatory simply to 'see what [I'd] do'. That's not him. At least it didn't use to be. If he's truly changed that much... then I guess I've already lost him.
By:
CoronaDawn
Age:
22-25
,
Female
