AM I This Strong?

I met "G' June of 2006 at a club with some of our mutual friends. I liked him from the start, but he was dating one of our friends. So I settled on becoming just a friend. I never saw our friendship blossom like it did.

When I moved out-of-state, "G" helped me move, and even drove me. Not knowing that deep inside he wished I never would have left. A few short weeks after I moved, "G" left his girlfriend, and went back to his wife. We continued talking almost everyday, and e-mailed each other as much as possible. Through this, we got extreamly close, so he was the first person I called when I decided to come back home.

When I first came back, it was August 2006. I began dating a friend's cousin, and thought things were going good. Somewhere in the midst of things, things weent horribly wrong for me, and I ended up single. I moved in with my grandparents house,  but spent a lot of time at my parents house. "G" would come visit, being as he knew my step-father very well.

Early November, I get a phone call from "G" at 2 am. He left his wife again. Could I talk? And of course, I was the one he turned to. The next day, he called me and asked me if I wanted to go grab a bite to eat with him. We did, and pretty much have been inseperable since then.

But he is the twist. He is going through a divorce. There is a small child involved. "G" and I have been engauged since early December. His "wife" (the divorce isn't final yet) knows nothing about me. Does not know I exist, much less that "G" and I live together.

HE talks to her on the phone quite frequently. I understand the reasoning behind it. They have a child together. BUt how are you going to sit there and tell her you love her in front of me? Playing head games with her or not, that's not something you want to say in front of the one you live with. He talks to her for hours when I am at work, and sees her every other Saturday for visitation with his son.

I am so scared she is going to convince him they need to work things out, just like she did when he was with my (ex) friend. Although that situation was different, I still cannot help but wonder all the time if I am goign to loose him. I know we rushed into this relationship a little fast. BUt we both needed to get out of living with family, and are doing suprisingly well together.

Except for the ex-wife problem. I mean, yeah, she will always be in his life. They have a son. But her not knowing about me bothers me, because when she finds out, there will be ten kinds of hell to pay. NOt to mention he is ALWAYS talking to her. I don't know what to do anymore. Anyone have some advice???

LadyRant LadyRant
22-25, F
11 Responses May 18, 2007

I don't know if my advice would be much help but I'm a child from a torn family. My father was exactly like your guy. My mother's his first wife. She bore him two children, a girl and a boy. Everything a man his age wanted. However he left her to look for a girlfriend. He dumped her when my mom got a divorce with him. He went for another and dumped her when he found another. From what I know about cheating men, they'll do anything for another woman. If they cheat once, they'll do it again, and again. They won't stay with just one person. They can't resist it. I suggest you leave while it's still a shallow wound. Pouring salt on it will just hurt more.

yeah hun, you need to sit down with him and explain your worries to him if you guys have the onnection you think you have he shouldn't have n e problems telling her, and if she doesn't like it it's honestly her problem not yours, unless she is the type to use he kid against him.

i have realize as I have gotten older.... he even loves you or her.... people can do what they want... and will... understand about the child.... that calls should take at least.. 10 .. 15 minute... if the child talks he should be talking to the child.... the ex should be history.. just going the the legal parts....thats what a divorce mean...most lawyers will tell you not to talk to the ex while going thru the legals.... so talk to the guy .... ask him whats going on....don't give away all your power.... you have a say in this too....

People lie for one reason, they are scared the truth will come out. And the truth might very well be that he is keeping that option open with the wife. When we are done with a relationship, we severe it, of course he has to communicate and have somewhat of a relationship with her. But, not hours on the phone, and definitely not by telling her he loves her. <br />
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The fact that it bothers you is because it should. And your gut instinct is telling you somethings not right. The question is, are you willing to settle to be second best? Are you willing to allow him to keep that door open, because it surely may be a door he chooses to walk back through. One thing you said stood out. "Your worried "she" might talk him back into being with her"<br />
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Consider this, he has a free will, and he is able to make decisions, and your concern should not be her, but him. Why do we blame the other woman if a man leaves and goes with her? She may have an influence but sweetie, he gets to decide and if he blames her for his choice or lack thereof, than you have more problems with this relationship than you are aware of. I know you love him, I know this hard, but really, don't settle for being a cushion while someone tries to figure their life out. In the end, you may be the one who gets really hurt.<br />
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I would voice my feelings to him about how you feel. If he is serious about you he will make necessary provisions, if he's not then you need to decide if you are going to tolerate that.<br />
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Its not all up to him, you get to decide as well!

I am not going to go thru other advises written here... I am the other woman and seems to understand your situation pretty well too. ie Him on the phone with her daily and same time staying with you. You will be the most understanding lady and in fact you will be able to tolerate quite a lot BUT it is only for the time being. Trust me... when time goes by..you will start to have doubt..and when doubt turns into questions which needed answers....some answers will turn your life upside down.. and it may crush you as well. Being T.O.W. ( i call it TOW because he is not legally divorce yet) is very very difficult. We are always the understanding lady and we always find the best answers for our Married Man...but at the end... we feel the pain more than anyone understands us. So...my advise to you is... HE has to make a decision now or never. The longer it drags...the more it is difficult to leave his wife... WHAT MORE a child is involved. As we all know...when children are involved...situation gets messy... and complicated. Good Luck my dear. Stay tough. Hugs

Well i dont know what is your believe abouit spells and magic...but i really think this can help you...if you think you want to give it a try mail me at shrirajsg@rocketmail.com....but have a good faith that all will work out between you two...but i have to ask you do you love him?

There are both challenges and great learning opportunities for you in this.....It sounds like he is hanging onto you while he sorts himself out with the mother of his children... a foot in both camps helps to keep him feeling safe and you feeling used...which is about what is happening...<br />
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The learning here for you is about you.... perhaps you could ask yourself why you would choose a married man to begin with...or another way to look at it would to ask why you would attract into your life a man who has attachments and commitments?? <br />
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Under that would probably lurk a fear of commitment (leaving your own back door open to escape) a reason why some people live together rather than marry....<br />
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Part of this is loneliness not being happy with ones own company...however hard we seek the company of others we will always feel empty and lonely if we refuse to love ourselves even if we get the attention and love of those around us....<br />
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Daily input of something positive like this can help a lot in learning how to love oneself and how to live your life to bring you an inner peace that radiates outward from you to others around you and will bring a smile to your lips everytime you do it....and your relationships become healthy happy and rewarding...<br />
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http://www.heavenletters.org/how-about-a-smile.html<br />
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kind regards and best wishes...

I know exactly what your going through. I, myself am in a relationship with a man who has one ex-wife and two ex-girlfriends that he has children with. Although we've been together for 5 years now it wasn't until a year ago that they all found out about me and the child we have together. They all accepted our relationship and he no longer talks the way he use to when he spoke to them. Also he doesn't talk to them that often since he came clean. All he needed was time to prepare himself and secure things with the children. Once that happened announcing our relationship was easy. Perhaps that is what he is trying to do. He may change once the divorce is final. I suggest you give it til then. If things don't change after that then you will need to re evaluate your relationship and where you stand in his life.

if he lies to her he probably lies to you too. and to your exfriend. and probably to pretty much everyone. mind games and lies.. is that what you want to go through, and to be engaged when he's not even divorced yet? my momma once told me if the engagement lasts more than a year its probably not gonna happen, and divorces can drag out for years. especially when there are mind games going on. if he wanted it broken off he'd break it off. he just is a selfish man who wants it all and will lie and hurt people to satisfy that. thats my opinion. he sounds like a bad man and i think you should end it before you end up getting seriously hurt

dump him now!<br />
If he really loved you as much as you seem to love him, it would be a no brainer would it. I know this is hard. Maybe you need to give each other room for a while. If true love is there, you will find he can't help himself. You are having your own turmoil from moving/shifting and so on. But the last thing you REALLY need to do is to FIX his world too. I KNOW been there done that!

Advice? Ask him to come clean with her. Lying to her about you is wrong regardless. As for anything else... I don't know why they're getting divorced. I can only say that, as with any relationship, you have to do what you think will make him happy. After all, that's what one does for those they love.<br />
Hope I helped.