My Love...not

I fell in love with a man 9yrs ago but was stupid and let him go because I didn't know how to tell him my Father had just come out of the closet. I thought he wouldn't like me anymore...stupid stupid..

I slept with the barman of the pub i started to frequent after that..& as a result became pregnant with my first child..we moved in with each other and started a life thoughts always strayed to my love that i left..secretly I still sent emails to him..prob 3 times a year..I couldn't break the contact..& after 9yrs & 2 children I couldn't continue with my own form of punishment anymore and I left my barman.

I contacted my love and told him all that had happened & he helped me get on messenger..we talked about 4 times a day for over a month and decided we should meet again....wonderful..I felt even more in love...we had a wonderful time... I was sooo happy.....until.. he told me he was married..with two children and his wife is pregnant and he cant do it anymore.....

I was gutted..I have never cried or felt such heartache before...and still after all that I don't want to lose him....what an idiot...yes i so in love with love I didn't see...I still cant. Why do I feel it is my fault...and why do I still refuse to let go... stupid stupid...

I fight the urge to every day..I have to let him go...I KNOW I DO....I have no right to this man..and his life. What he did was wrong but I cant blame him...I don't wanna lose him but he was never mine .... Stupid...stupid

I just hope i don't spend the next 9yrs thinking about loving someone who never thought of me other than just a shag he didn't have 9yrs ago.

caroli9 caroli9
41-45, F
3 Responses Jan 8, 2007

the easiest way to move on is to erase all the eveidence.. anything that reminds you of him, you have to get rid of it, and you can not hold on to him. get out there and meet new people, surround yourself in people who love you are you love, do things that are fun, get your mind out of the idea that he is the answer to any void, because your wrong. see that for the last 9 year he was probably an excuse for some kind of lonelyness you felt. he's not idealistic, and maybe if you knew him better or longer you would have had time to see that, it's not fair only knowing someone for so long, becuase you only get the best of them, and they illude to your perfections of a person..rather than what they really are.. and get you baffled. so try to see things for what they really are.. you dont need a man to make you happy, just good friends and activities.

i WISH YOU GOOD LUCK. You SHOULD email HIM. Just because he's married doesn't mean that he doesn't want to be buds.

you fell in love with him 9 years ago and you kept in touch and met 9 years later and you are still in love with you couldn't forget him all those years I don't think you will now, maybe you can but you'll need lots of strenght.... I know how it is so love someone so much, if i would lose my boyfriend now I'd be never able to get over or forget about luck to ya caroli