Just Not Ready

Me and my boyfriend are slowly drifting apart... It is like a slow and painful death for me, that is tearing me apart from the inside.

I must admit, I am not in love with him anymore. I care for him like I would care for one of my crushes, I love him just a little. I ended up feeling this because he hardly spends time with me anymore. His friends are way more important than me. And because I'm sick of him choosing spending time with his friends over me so many times and being left out. And because we meet and he doesn't talk to me anymore like he did before. He used to be a great friend, now he's more like a deceiver.
The truth is, I want to break up because he's like this. But I can't. I don't want to loose him whatever happens, I don't to let him go away, I don't want him to love another girl, I think he is a great catch and I'd regret my whole life for letting him go. I've come to question myself how come other girls could stop loving him completely and how come all my passion, which was so intense I felt like going on the street screaming about how much I loved him, about how beautiful he is and that he's all mine, ended so suddenly, so abruptly.
I just woke up one day after I went to sleep crying because he was away and we couldn't talk at all and I loved him so much and I just didn't feel anything. Just loneliness and emptyness inside. I still feel like that. I never felt so bad for so long. Imagine a month of loneliness in which you don't know how are you going to go on because you're in a dead end relationship. I hate myself for feeling like this. I hate myself for not being able to let go of him. I hate myself for tormenting me like this, for still doing everything I can to make it work even if it won't, for not talking about this with him. I hate myself for thinking about him all the time and feeling guilty for just even being close to other guys.
And even if I don't love him like I used to, I feel physical attraction to him (he really is good-looking, I must admit @_@). Not so strong like I used to, but I still do. And I hate myself for that too.
I don't want to lose him. I'm not ready. I'd suffer a breakdown if I would. I don't know why. I can't...

Why can't I just let go?
whatsername whatsername
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 3, 2007

I feel the same way. I do not know what to do. I want to be with him but when I am I don't find him interesting anymore. I like the thought of him, he is very different from me, outgoing, but he bores me. I don't know what to do, leave him and find someone else or continue with this relationship. I don't want to lose him but I don't know if I want to stay either. We have no goals for the future. We used to but things changed. He got his two teenage kids and now that's his goal. My children are out of the home and I am all alone here. What to do.

im going thru what you are going thru. and i know how hard it is to break up with him. i did with my boyfriend and could NOT live without him. and if you need to talk im here.