Seeing Both Angles

    My heart aches inside of pain. I have two eyes, yet only deserve one. I wish I had one to see where I am stepping carefully life doesn't give me this choice. My life is like; a flower of its petals being plucked away of it's glory. Why does every choice have to be every petal? I feel as if I'm running short and my heart will fade as the flower dies.

  Life as I see without happiness of others around us life would be empty. What I've known to be true is we can't find happiness if happiness can't find us. I live in a life were all I want is for others to be fulfilled of happiness. To wake up and feel complete inside. To see the beauty of life rather than the cold side of it. My past brings me to this. There's only so much I can do, and as much as I want to help people be happy and full of a better life, mine is slowly fading.

  The other night my heart burned of sadness, because I yet again wanted to make this world a better place and failed. The one man I truly love with my heart and what little I can bring, I broke his. I have been in a relationship with another being for three years as he has well known. I have married this other being and have found out three weeks ago I was never married. I have been sincere with my decisions for this path I have chosen for myself, only to see them scattered among the pieces of my heart within time.

  The man that I truly love when I told him I needed to leave him for the sake of my marrying; granted I asked of his blessing for me before I left. He gave me, because he felt he needed me to feel happiness. This tore his heart. He held on to me knowing full-well he very much lost me. We haven't spoke in over a few years and fate happens two months ago he comes back. This is where I see everything and everyones happiness shed.

  I was on the urge of a divorce with my husband, whom I thought was married to. There is no doubt in my heart he is a very good man. He tends to my needs, as I his. He supports me in the choices I choose, as I his. He's a very good listener, as I am. He has a kindness about him that is shown to others in his presence. And so much more I can write and sincerely say of this.

  I understand why people say, "The past is the past and your walking towards your future", but what if the past contained someone dear to the heart and you still have a deep fire burning of love? As much as my heart has told me to walk away from my current relationship and move on. I have decided to hold on, because I was asked to give another year of hope for the man I have been with. He asked questions as to "Is it fair to say this is it?, "This is what fate has for us both?", "Why not give us one more year to see where we end up?", and "Atleast see this justify that we really aren't meant for eachother".

  I have been honest with the man I am with.  I had three weeks into talking to the man that has held on to me for these last three years, before I told him the truth about everything. I poured my heart out to the one I am with telling him everything, even down to telling him I have loved  this other man for all this time. My love for my current relationship with the one that I am with has been love, but a different love.

  It comes to this point where I bring a sadness upon all. Half of my family knows we thought we were married, but really aren't. I'm not sure truly how they feel. I know how I feel; another story can be made into this. I feel as if the blue skies have turned black; the clouds a pure white have been covered with a gray.  It broke my heart, because I knew there was more that needed to be done to process the marriage licence. I even went down to reading the steps we needed to do to get there. I wanted to give him my all and everything, leaving the past behind. 

  He hasn't told his family anything and I have come close to their hearts. I have as they have accepted them as family, and I of theirs. Deep inside I know that this would hurt them to find out that we were never married, but for him not to be mature and continue letting this pass as if nothing ever happend is going to bring a sadness amongst them all. To make it all worse he leaves in two weeks to leave to Afganistan, he is in the military.

  My heart decides against the angles of where to go, where to turn. What is one year of my life compared to several? I was told to lose complete contact with the man I truly love and give it my all to hope for my relationship to work out. Three years and counting my love still burns for this man as it did then, it still burns bright now. I want hope for what I am in and the relationship I have been in. For these years that my heart tells me to move forward it didn't completely. I have thought and go back to the man I truly love in my thoughts, wondering what it could've been had I been true to myself.

  As the petals of my heart the middle of this glorious flower are dying. I continue holding a lie. Holding on when I know my heart feels different. I am still in this relationship I have known and still have hope. The lie is in myself. I continue talking to the man I truly love and have been for these last few weeks as the man I am with doesn't know. I have never been unloyal for these past three years as I have been now. I cannot see the one I truly love; our understanding and deep connection are through words. I have never met him in reality, but have seen him visually. How can this burning be so sure about this love? I feel it deep as the ocean reaches the bottom of this world, deep as the sun burns for light, and deep as the stars cover the skies at night.

  Here I am in the middle of this crowd no one see's me, but I am reaching out for guidance. For hope that these choices I make will soon end this sadness I put upon my petals that are still clinging. I don't want to see, or make anyone sad. In the end it will. I know I would never if the opportunity came up to see this man I love, do anything irrational to break my relatioship I am in now. I would never bring a sadness upon his heart by doing so. I have been loyal in this and will until we both see when this is clear.

  If there could be happiness again in this deep aching in my heart I want nothing more then to feel it. Until then I have chosen to be and go against what I feel for the happiness of who I am with. To bring a justice upon whether I could be happy with the way I have been living, versus the love I truly feel for this other. Some could possibly ask, "Is this a game?". No sincerely it's, because I don't want to see anyone sad. And know that my decision justifies where my life leads.

  As the petals of what is left here. I have asked the one that I truly love to be a friend for this time. I have continued to place hope in who I am with, and understand no matter what in the end I am going to end up seeing the rain fall off the eyes of others. As the tears fall within my own and my petals are being picked for lies. I will continue walking and seeing where this will go, but I'd rather be with one eye.

  One eye.

EpithetofDreams EpithetofDreams
22-25, F
Feb 25, 2010