There Is No Greater Fraud Than A Promise Not Kept

Will I *ever* learn? Good people make well intentioned promises and they never carry them out. I can handle the day to day "I'll call you right back" or "I'd be happy to help you with that" that I encounter ad nauseam, especially in my business. Suppliers, customers and acquaintances all demonstrate the same behaviour almost without exception. I have a Gaelic proverb posted up on my desk, it's been there for six years, as long as I've had this business, and it reads "There Is No Greater Fraud Than A Promise Not Kept". I keep it in view because I am only human, and I need to remind myself not to slip into the common habit of making promises with either no intention to fulfill, or having good intentions with no execution. It seems nobody is accountable for what they say anymore. You can say whatever sounds good at the time, taking comfort in the fact that nobody will ever hold you to it.

Then there's my marriage. I know she means well, but things are falling apart because she believes that simply saying what she intends to do is enough. I can no longer rely on her to take care of the tasks that I need help with. She used to be a partner in our business, and I would rely on her to handle certain aspects of it that I struggled with or simply couldn't make time for. Now I'm finding things are slipping. When I try and do them myself or even worse, bring in outside help, she becomes defensive. I get excuses, anger and stubbornness. In the interest of keeping the peace, I'll give her a second chance. I know she's busy, very busy, and I don't expect her to work any harder than I do. If I had my way she wouldn't have to work at all. I feel guilty about relying on her, but I need her help. Things get put off for months, or longer. I'm tired of going to her with my hat in hand, looking for help with the things she's offered to do a dozen times. This will catch up to us, and I fear that day.

As stressful as it is, business I can deal with through good and bad. I can handle the stress, I will figure out how to get everything done, and if not I am equipped to deal with the consequences. I end up doing everything myself, and have been trained to exclude her from much of what is going on, it's just easier that way. I try and spare her the embarrassment of making promises she doesn't keep. Except I don't think she feels bad, I don't think she is embarrassed. She believes that she'll get it done, eventually. It's like time stands still on promises, they simply don't expire. "I'll shred that pile of documents, I said I would. Sure it's been sitting on the coffee table for six months, but I was just about to do it. Put them down and go work on something else, I'll do it." An hour later they still sit there, untouched.
Sadly this is the theme in our personal relationship. Again, I've learned to compartmentalize and deal with most of it, but as you will see if you check out my story in the "Living in a sexless marriage" group, there are areas that I can no longer manage this behaviour. The endless promises that disappear into the ether as soon as they are spoken is too much to bare sometimes. I'm sure she means them when she says them, but then what happens? Can someone please enlighten me? She knows the right things to say, she's aware of what I need because she says she'll address it. What happens then?
"I know you need me to XXXXX, I agree and want to do better at that too. I'll make sure I work on it!"
Where does it go from there? Is she really just telling me what I want to hear with no intent to do it? Does she intend it but something happens to prevent her doing it? Am I just a hopeless chump? I can't live like this much longer. I don't want to push her too hard, but I'm starting to come apart at the seams. I want this to work, but I can't do all the work for her. Maybe this is all just an illusion I've created for myself, and I'm the one to blame.
TheWendigo
TheWendigo TheWendigo
36-40, M
4 Responses Jul 14, 2010

I exactly know how what you mean. I'm the other person. The person that promise u will do this and that just to please you at the moment. I got my awakening!!! My wife left me for a 74year old man with intrrigroty and honesty. We are bit 47 with big future ahead of us. Now its all gone. What is the root? I think I started painting too many beautiful pictures and I never finish them. I can go on with my life story. But the truth is , I never fulfilled mg promised. She is gone now. I'm bitter and hateful of her leaving me. But it was from my wrong doing. I will learn from this and move on. No more empty promises!!!

Ptat, don't be too hard on yourself. We all do it to some degree, and most have good intentions. The fact that you recognize what happened and are making changes puts you well ahead of 99% of other people.
TW

just kicked my husband out for the same thing, he didnt even bother saying he would try to sort it out when he had a nearly year-long phase of refusing sex and j*erking off to p*rn instead. he had this whole philosophy of living in the moment and enjoying life as it naturally plays out just to justify him dropping out of school and bumming around 24/7. i kicked him out, and instead of being a total wreck and slowly moving on as i thought i would have to do, i feel absolutely fantastic. kick that ******* out, even if she is nice to you most the time, because as long as you let it happen she'll take full advantage :/

just kicked my husband out for the same thing, he didnt even bother saying he would try to sort it out when he had a nearly year-long phase of refusing sex and j*erking off to p*rn instead. he had this whole philosophy of living in the moment and enjoying life as it naturally plays out just to justify him dropping out of school and bumming around 24/7. i kicked him out, and instead of being a total wreck and slowly moving on as i thought i would have to do, i feel absolutely fantastic. kick that ******* out, even if she is nice to you most the time, because as long as you let it happen she'll take full advantage :/

YES I JUST BROKE UP WITH A WOMAN THAT NEVER MADE GOOD ON ONE THING SHE SAID SHE WOULD INCLUDE DIVORCE HER HUSBAND TO ME IF YOU CANT KEEP YOUR WORD YOU AINT WORTH ****