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Have Real Issues With This......

I am pretty sure it stems from my childhood. I have always been sensitive even from a very young age. My mother constantly used to say to me that I was being silly and over-sensitive. As soon as I hit my twenties, I changed. I despise the thought of anyone seeing me at a weak and vulnerable moment. For all the reasons below really:
1. I look SO ugly when I cry and always get really red and blotchy eyes (shallow I know but nobody needs to see that)
2. I hate it when my voice cracks and people know that I am not keeping it together
3. I worry that like my mother, the person I break down in front of will think I am being pathetic and silly
4. That I will cause embarrassment to the other person and that they wont know what to do
5. That I wont be able to actually voice why I am upset and will just come across as a sobbing maniac
6. That I will come across as weak
7. That I will somehow owe the other person and that our relationship will change.

I have REAL issues around this. Late last year, I cried in front of a mother at the daycare I work at and although she hugged me and was very kind, she never came back with her son. Of course there may be a million and one reasons for this but it still plays on my mind that she thought I was unstable. My colleague also saw me cry and she was also very kind but I worry she went away and told everyone how silly and weak I was. Maybe I am just a bit hard on myself. Growing up, I always felt I had to be perfect and in control and as I have aged (and the job role I do) I have felt I always have to be in control. Especially with my life the way it is right now where I am trying to support a mentally ill 18 year old sister alone as my parents are in denial over her issues and I am also single and with no friends. It gets hard keeping it all in and the other day, I thought I was going to cry again in front of my co worker. I felt that familar feeling in my chest but thank god, another colleague interruped our conversation. I wish I could get past this.
Jenni855 Jenni855 26-30, F 2 Responses May 12, 2012

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I want you to come and stay with Hilly for six months Jenny, be a wild child for a while! :) Anything goes and you can be whoever you want to be for while! You need new scenery and hillbilly life would do you "good" :D *Hugs*

I wish...x

Me too~ x

I would hug you and Salem to pieces. Salem would have a constant friend and so many hugs xx

Jenni, sweetie, i can relate to what you are feeling. if you ever need someone to talk to, i am here a lot. don't ever think that you are being pathetic and silly. we all feel things differently. there is no right or wrong way to feel if it is honestly how you feel. if people can't understand that and love you for you, tears and all, then you really don't need them in your life. sounds like to me that you need to just let yourself have a good cry and get it all out....punch some pillows if it helps! just remember that you are not alone dear~

Thank you. You are lovely. x

oh and fyi~~ you have a friend now! =)
be blessed my dear~

xxxxxxxxxx

She is, isn't she Jenni? xxxxxxxx

Yes, her kindness means a lot to me and moves me.xxx

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