Have Real Issues With This......

I am pretty sure it stems from my childhood. I have always been sensitive even from a very young age. My mother constantly used to say to me that I was being silly and over-sensitive. As soon as I hit my twenties, I changed. I despise the thought of anyone seeing me at a weak and vulnerable moment. For all the reasons below really:
1. I look SO ugly when I cry and always get really red and blotchy eyes (shallow I know but nobody needs to see that)
2. I hate it when my voice cracks and people know that I am not keeping it together
3. I worry that like my mother, the person I break down in front of will think I am being pathetic and silly
4. That I will cause embarrassment to the other person and that they wont know what to do
5. That I wont be able to actually voice why I am upset and will just come across as a sobbing maniac
6. That I will come across as weak
7. That I will somehow owe the other person and that our relationship will change.

I have REAL issues around this. Late last year, I cried in front of a mother at the daycare I work at and although she hugged me and was very kind, she never came back with her son. Of course there may be a million and one reasons for this but it still plays on my mind that she thought I was unstable. My colleague also saw me cry and she was also very kind but I worry she went away and told everyone how silly and weak I was. Maybe I am just a bit hard on myself. Growing up, I always felt I had to be perfect and in control and as I have aged (and the job role I do) I have felt I always have to be in control. Especially with my life the way it is right now where I am trying to support a mentally ill 18 year old sister alone as my parents are in denial over her issues and I am also single and with no friends. It gets hard keeping it all in and the other day, I thought I was going to cry again in front of my co worker. I felt that familar feeling in my chest but thank god, another colleague interruped our conversation. I wish I could get past this.
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1 Response May 12, 2012

I want you to come and stay with Hilly for six months Jenny, be a wild child for a while! :) Anything goes and you can be whoever you want to be for while! You need new scenery and hillbilly life would do you "good" :D *Hugs*

Me too~ x