And Yet, I Can't Help It...

Yesterday, I was dead inside, or so I thought. I drove home planning to cut myself to reawaken something. I walked in. Apparently I didn't look well because you actually paused the video game to ask me if I was okay. I chuckled and said "Sure! Why wouldn't I be?" I went to get my knife to go into the other room, but before I could, it happened.

I don't know why I told you. I said I realised this afternoon that I ruin peoples' lives, make everyone I love miserable, and that I am terrified of being alone. The more I spoke, the more the tears fought against me. I ended up sobbing and letting it all out. You tried to reassure me that I didn't ruin your life. It's hard to believe that when you still look at me the way you did when I was crazy. It's hard to believe that when you yourself say you aren't sure if you can ever look at me as I am now without seeing who I was. It's hard to believe when you don't even touch me anymore. It's hard to believe when you still contact her.

And speaking of her, she said I am a poison in her life and that she can't have me in it anymore. She is the one who told me she loved me too. She is the one who slept with you, her best friend's husband, her lover's husband. Yet, I am the one who is responsible for hurting her? That doesn't equate in my mind. I was still willing to try and work our friendship out with her, even though you and she have hurt me worse than I ever believed possible.

I've been trying to control my own emotions so that you can deal with yours. I've been trying to help you with yours. I'm sorry I broke yesterday, I really am. There is only so much I can take, though. It might come out sometimes, but I don't want to be vulnerable in front of you right now. I'm not sure if I ever can be again. I want to, but not now.

Surujen Surujen
31-35, F
1 Response Mar 13, 2009

with flowing tears I read your story. I have been feeling like is not worth it. I feel like noone really cares about me, the person. Reading your story it seems as thou you were hurt by two people. I deal with the daily struggle NOT to cut myself. leaswe believe me when I say you are not alone.