Losing It

Its was just after a friend of mine had died. Andrew, 16, had committed suicide after fighting depression for 4-5 years. We were all devastated.

So, being teenagers, we had a get together a few days after the funeral. Me, some friends and other people I didnt know, got together at Mike's house. I didn't know Mike that well but I had no one to talk to about Andrew so I went along anyway. There were 17 of us in total.

We all had a few shots of vodka, to help us relax and calm down, we all told our stories, our thoughts and feelings over Andrew. It helped. But then the point came where I should have said no to another shot. I didn't.

The rest of a bit of a blur. I remember hugging some people as they left, I remember talking to someone who was crying, telling them it would be ok. I remember Mike asking if I wanted to dance with him, a while after i said goodbye to his girlfriend, a long time friend of mine. I remember people forbidding me to leave the house - I was too drunk to go home.

I wish I could forget the next morning. I woke up in a bed that wasn't my own and without any clothes on. I rolled over, biting back the urge to vomit as I stumbled round the room, looking for something suitable to throw up in. I looked back to the bed to find Mike, looking the exact way I was feeling and wearing exactly what I was - nothing. He looked at me, I looked at him and I left the room. I came back later having found something (a towel) to wear. He had pulled on some boxers. Never of us could remember the night before and neither of us dared to ask anyone else if they remembered. We went downstairs, grabbed some aspirin and water, woke the remaining drunks on the sofa and floor and I left. I never saw him again and we spoke about it to anyone.

That was almost 2 years ago - the night I lost my virginity. At least, I think I did - the throbbing was a bit of a give away. But i keep hoping that maybe the throbbing was due to something else - maybe nothing happened.

The worst part is not knowing for certain because then theres that small part of my mind that keeps telling me that I still have my most precious thing, that I am still a virgin...
Flint Flint
18-21, F
Apr 9, 2007