Thoughts Or Desires

When I was a child, I was like many girls that cared for our baby dolls.  I would hold them, feed them, change their diapers, sing to them and talk to them, just as most of us would when emulating our Mothers.  It was a time for learning from our elders on how to care for our young.  A time to dream about the day that I would become a Mother.

When I was a pre-teen and was becoming sexually active, I went through those times where I feared becoming pregnant but sometimes secretly wished that I could.  I felt a great need to care for someone that I would bring into the world and I could be proud to say that I was a Mother.  I would look at other women around me and see that they bore life within them.  i wanted so bad to be them.

When I finally learned the truth about sexuality, I was devastated to think that I could never become pregnant.  I hated my body, I hated when the Almighty power that be would allow such a travesty to happen.  But yet the dreams kept coming.

When I was in my early adulthood.  I would get as close as possible to all female friends that became pregnant.  I longed so much be like them.  We would talk for hours about what they were feeling and physically experiencing.  I would wake up in the middle of the night because I would hear my baby crying only to remember that there was no one there for me to care for.

When my SO became pregnant with our first baby, I became linked both physically and mentally to her  experiences.  I felt the baby move within me.  I experienced the dreams of what they would be like after birth.  I felt the mood swings as my body changed from being alone to having life within me.  I dreamed about if I was ready for Motherhood and what type of Mother I would be.  I went through the dislike for how my body was seemed fat and ugly to the world from my pregnancy.  I experienced and displayed many of the physical changes that go along with being pregnant (lower back pains, heartburn, feeling tired, etc.).  My nesting instincts consumed me in the last few weeks, all the time preparing myself to become a caregiver for my child.

The day her water broke, I felt it just before I received the phone call from her telling me what happened.  I spent the day with her, feeling like I was dilating and could feel the baby moving into position.  I felt the cramping and need to finally have the baby removed from within me.  it was almost anti-climatic when the doctor announced that he would take the baby by C section. 

I heard my baby cry for the first time and was overwhelmed with both joy and sadness.  I felt the proudness that I had joined the ranks of women before me only to realize that I was not one of them.  The dream came to an end when I was somewhat shunned by the other women that closed ranks around my SO and made sure that I knew I was not one of them.  That was when the dream stopped and reality set in for me.

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1 Response Feb 27, 2009

You poor woman!...What a story!...So powerful!<br />
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Hi, Patti!