And I'm Sure All Our American Friends Will Benefit


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to governyourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

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31 Responses Jan 4, 2013

But we're not giving up our guns, no matter what nuts use them to kill people, so good luck on enforcing any of the rest of your silly rules, we don't follow our laws, much less anybody elses. But once that pregnant hot babe becomes queen we might reconsider and no I didn't use spell checker, not many of use can read real English anyway

What a great read ..... this cracked me up ..... and honestly, it may not be a bad idea at all

After we make Britain a State in the USA, your crime rate will go down considerably with the right to bear arms. You can revoke anything you like and I assure you, you will lose in your attempt LOL


Hey...I'm really think I read this? I had about 3.5 seconds before I gave up on my phone and exited...(smirk,smirk...ducks...and ducks second volley...!)

Will we be required to eat bangers and mash, Cornish pasties, Toad In the Hole, Bubble and Squeak and then wash it all down with a cuppa? Will we have to say that we're "knackered" (instead of tired) or "It's a one off" (when something happens only once) or "queue" (instead of line)?. Must we cease the practice of good oral hygiene? Do we have to choose between Arsenal and Tottenham?

By the way, we do have roundabouts here. We call them "traffic circles" - except in Boston where they are called "rotaries". Of course, those Bostonians also say things like "wicked pissah", so you can't put much faith in that...

I think this is funny. I'm not the least bit offended. Why not have fun with each others inconsequential cultural differences. Laugh a little at ourselves. I chuckled at most of them. BTW, roundabouts are gaining popularity here. Should we spell that rondabots?

I'm all for it !! Get all that useless dead weight out of congress and I'll gladly bow to you.

While going thru some old paperwork, I found in Accounts Receivable an unpaid invoice for services rendered, In the description it reads, "Saving the Free World, World War II".
Please Remit ASAP

Thank you.
Uncle Sam

Oh My!!!

So very funny but you will have humourless people up your nose in the next 24 hrs.


Lady Diamonds. That's is so so noble of you but one cannot teach humour. That's it, to my friends in NY, TN and Penn.......... I am no longer coming there. I am going to Niagara Falls............

Hey, ole chap, Queenie, you forgoh ya asks bout Bamma Care? I hates ya remine ove thet , mi love, but thots. a real kick in the knickers.

Funny and witty - a pity about the ignorant and humourless comments that some made about it.

Most Americans don't have a sense of humo(u)r! lol
At least not a good sense. Look at all the remakes of good European comedies. Bwahaha

firstly, that's a million dollar hat and secondly, everyone knows she's a damn reptillian anyway.

Beautifully written and very witty. It's surprising, really, that the Brits haven't thought of this yet!! Ha! Plus I do love a good tea time!

Oi! Ayve bin proctasayng moy Brit-tish ahksent fawr sum tymm, royit!

God shave the Queen! Long live her Mayonnaise!

lol this is hilarious, love it, especially tea time!

This was wonderful, at last someone is using an English spell checker!

haha, funny. I have noticed american fake british accents aren't that great either.

True, true.

is this wrong that this turned me on? I wanna do stuff in Marmite with lasses now... *blushes*

"was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater."
LMAO I died laughing!! Awesome job!

This was awesome! It's funny actually, was just talking to someone before about the spelling thing! As you may have seen before, I'm Belgian but I'm with you on this one that's a sure thing!...Except, driving on the left side :-)


JAJAJAJA bro this was f&%king awesome. definitely made me laugh, very well done. hell i actually think this would be a good idea....

Woo, when my gram would look at us like that, we knew it was too late to run for the door ....

Very funny and that is where it should end. Let the Americans sort out their problems as we have our own problems too.

This was too funny!! I threatened to move my family to Canada after the election! This was great, but can you wait until after the Super Bowl, the Redskins may have a chance this year!

Thank your majesty. 'curtsies'

Awesome dog

The sport of fencing, which I do believe is popular in England, is done with body armor...not american football. lol Just sayin...

Rugby is played without any headgear or much protection. Fencing is an Olympic sport that requires protection from accidental damage due to the nature of the "sword" that is used.

"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine" may not to too far from the mark.

Most US-made beer, at least the mass produced beer, is weak and tasteless. The Brits, Germans, Belgians, South Africans, Aussies, Kiwis, and even Canadians make better beer than we do.


I totally cracked up reading this....especially the one about listening to MacDowell do English being like losing your ears on a cheese grater!! :D I nearly got hiccups laughing at that one! I'll start practicing the new spelling right away....I haven't mastered the screwed up version all that well anyways!! The beer is no problem for me....I disliked Lager just as much as Budweiser when we visited England a couple years back so I will focus on doing up a good "tea time" at promptly 4:00 p.m.!!....with REAL chips.....I LOVED them when we visited...Fish and chips ROCK and vinegar is yummy on them too!
I swear I am gonna send this out as an official notice to everyone here at work!! They all have great senses of humour
***SEEE...I'm already getting down with throwing in that "U!!" ***

Do I have to learn to do a respectable curtsey for the Queen now too? I can just work it into my dance classes!! :D

AWESOME................ but still come on the Americans ROCK on any given day

I'll take some british comedy and nothing else! Everyone knows who shot JR geeeeesssshhh
So get back on your boat and don't let the cabin door hit you in the arse1

then bring back Benny Hill!!! lol

I fancy the word lol and yours ;) he he he

They're called potato peelers for when we make french fries! lol I own 2 of them- no guns though