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And I'm Sure All Our American Friends Will Benefit Too..lol

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to governyourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!



sparklingdiamonds sparklingdiamonds 31-35, F 37 Responses Jan 4, 2013

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But we're not giving up our guns, no matter what nuts use them to kill people, so good luck on enforcing any of the rest of your silly rules, we don't follow our laws, much less anybody elses. But once that pregnant hot babe becomes queen we might reconsider and no I didn't use spell checker, not many of use can read real English anyway

lol..this is very true.........

What a great read ..... this cracked me up ..... and honestly, it may not be a bad idea at all

After we make Britain a State in the USA, your crime rate will go down considerably with the right to bear arms. You can revoke anything you like and I assure you, you will lose in your attempt LOL

Notice now that I used the word "semi" in my earlier suggestion for a an appropriate way of using North Dakota. <br />
<br />
But "semi" will be quite a challenging word.It is to be pronounced "semi" with a short "i" sound at the end as in the familiar phrase "bowling a googly"... and not "semi" with a long final syllable as in the familiar phrase "the batsman was awarded a leg-bye". <br />
<br />
And semi normally refers to half a house. Not the back half of an articulated lorry. ("Truck") (?)

Perhaps all those people (folks) with newly purchased assault rifles might like to take them to North Dakota - which might be feeling a little neglected - and practise (practice) there to learn how to shoot grouse.

The game might be referred to as Call of Duty - Black Grouse II.

From the grouse's point of view any automatic, or semi-automatic, weapons might be considered overkill.

well, yeah..unless you couldn*'t hit a barn door from2 yards of course.in which case a blunderbuss might be useful.......

99% of the people out there claiming something is an assault weapon have no idea what it even is. Just because it looks like one, or Diane Feinstein pontificates something is one, does not make it one.

if you say so....but here is the thing...this is a joke..you know..fun...F-U-N

Hey. I've joined another 99% group. And I'm pretty much happy in my ignorance, so please don't anyone be tempted to enlighten me as to what an assault weapon is defined as.

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WHAT DA HELL IS DIS? WHATEVER DA ****? **SOPRANOS METAPHOR, IRONICALLY, NOT SHOWING LOVE...OF WHAT AMERICA IS...NO DISRESPECT**

LOL..and I do hope you paid attention to the "teatime" since you can never remember what time that is !!!

Hey...I'm American...you really think I read this? I had about 3.5 seconds before I gave up on my phone and exited...(smirk,smirk...ducks...and ducks second volley...!)

verreee brave ....from a distance..............lol

Will we be required to eat bangers and mash, Cornish pasties, Toad In the Hole, Bubble and Squeak and then wash it all down with a cuppa? Will we have to say that we're "knackered" (instead of tired) or "It's a one off" (when something happens only once) or "queue" (instead of line)?. Must we cease the practice of good oral hygiene? Do we have to choose between Arsenal and Tottenham?

By the way, we do have roundabouts here. We call them "traffic circles" - except in Boston where they are called "rotaries". Of course, those Bostonians also say things like "wicked pissah", so you can't put much faith in that...

lol..I will take your word for that..

Sounds like the perfect sovereign state but do they have to have cameron I think there are enough lying double dealing people out there already smile

P.s what a lovely avatar smile

Thank You...

Maybe we should get rid of Cameron...but at the end of the day they are all muppets

Think the muppets might be annoyed about that after all they are not all egocentrics who are only about whats best for them smile

suppose there must be one honest politician somewhere smile

No Thanks.
Not really funny either.
Look at the true state of the UK now very sad. The weakness of the Queen's country and realm makes America look stronger than it is.

It's just a bit of fun..no malice intended..you know..F-U-N...don't take life so seriously..after all none of us get out alive...

I think this is funny. I'm not the least bit offended. Why not have fun with each others inconsequential cultural differences. Laugh a little at ourselves. I chuckled at most of them. BTW, roundabouts are gaining popularity here. Should we spell that rondabots?

Glad you liked it...there was no offence intended...I often laugh at the difference with many friends..one even posted a story on it..
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-Thinking-Of-You/2375143

I'm all for it !! Get all that useless dead weight out of congress and I'll gladly bow to you.

lol..trouble is..there is just as much dead weight..if not more..in Downing Street....

Dear HRHQEII.
While going thru some old paperwork, I found in Accounts Receivable an unpaid invoice for services rendered, In the description it reads, "Saving the Free World, World War II".
Please Remit ASAP

Thank you.
Uncle Sam

oh lol..one must be kidding...it was the excuse for you to get rid of ones obsolete weapons..

Oh My!!!

So very funny but you will have humourless people up your nose in the next 24 hrs.

heheeeee
b

ach ..so whats new??? LOL

I am not humorless or up anyones nose just not entertained.
To each their own!

He never said you were...but if one feels that the shoe fits..............

Lady Diamonds. That's is so so noble of you but one cannot teach humour. That's it, to my friends in NY, TN and Penn.......... I am no longer coming there. I am going to Niagara Falls............

very wise too..

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A few good things could come from reinstatement of British rule. National health care, abolition of the insane Republican Party, availability of trade unions and gay marriage would allow American society to begin to modernize. Imagine page two girls in newspapers and curry shops everywhere.

Hey, ole chap, Queenie, you forgoh ya asks bout Bamma Care? I hates ya remine ove thet , mi love, but thots. a real kick in the knickers.

explain...

Funny and witty - a pity about the ignorant and humourless comments that some made about it.

no my problem that some don't have a sense of humour...

Most Americans don't have a sense of humo(u)r! lol
At least not a good sense. Look at all the remakes of good European comedies. Bwahaha

Some moron wrote a really aggressive, lengthy comment..she clearly didn't have the intelligence to see that it's a joke...and she set her status that no one could comment on her comment...so in view of that I deleted her pathetic comment..!

firstly, that's a million dollar hat and secondly, everyone knows she's a damn reptillian anyway.

Beautifully written and very witty. It's surprising, really, that the Brits haven't thought of this yet!! Ha! Plus I do love a good tea time!

lol..

Oi! Ayve bin proctasayng moy Brit-tish ahksent fawr sum tymm, royit!

jolly well done dahling

I especially love the "oi" its such a wonderful word..and prefaces soooo many conversations.......lol

God shave the Queen! Long live her Mayonnaise!

lol..nice one Ric..

lol this is hilarious, love it, especially tea time!

lol..of course..that's very important

This was wonderful, at last someone is using an English spell checker!

haha, funny. I have noticed american fake british accents aren't that great either.

and , of course , the reverse is equally irritating..

True, true.

is this wrong that this turned me on? I wanna do stuff in Marmite with lasses now... *blushes*

marmite? jeez i think we'd best hold on to the therapists..you're a suitable case for treatment LOL

"was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater."
LMAO I died laughing!! Awesome job!

lol..that bit was quite funny

This was awesome! It's funny actually, was just talking to someone before about the spelling thing! As you may have seen before, I'm Belgian but I'm with you on this one that's a sure thing!...Except, driving on the left side :-)

well..yeah I have never driven on the left in my life, as I learned here in Germany..so I'd be a bit buggered on that one too tbh...

:-)

JAJAJAJA bro this was f&amp;%king awesome. definitely made me laugh, very well done. hell i actually think this would be a good idea....

Woo, when my gram would look at us like that, we knew it was too late to run for the door ....

Very funny and that is where it should end. Let the Americans sort out their problems as we have our own problems too.

This was too funny!! I threatened to move my family to Canada after the election! This was great, but can you wait until after the Super Bowl, the Redskins may have a chance this year!

since you asked so nice I am sure Her Majesty will comply

Thank your majesty. 'curtsies'