I Miss Things I Never Had..

When I finished high school I started missing it. I would reread books I read in school or was supposed to read but never did, I would study things I never understood before and imagine it was for school. My real school was like hell for me. And I always was sorry for the time wasted for fear and hatred and loneliness and self distruction. And I had this world of mine and an imaginary school in my mind that always made me study and made me believe. I never realized it before. The idea occured to be only now. When I started to miss my university. I've graduated this year. And I miss it so much. I started missing it already when I was still studying. And I miss things that never happened there too. The story with books is repeating. I'm trying to become better and I feel I'm doing it for what have already been lost. I miss it because I always had hope that one day things could be the way I wanted them. And it was possible till I was there. And some days were very similar to that. But it was mostly an illusion, another trick of my dreamy brain. I didn't have a lot of friends there, but I didn't feel lonely either. I just enjoyed being with those people whether they were my friends or not. It was the last day when I felt how lonely I am. I realized I was completely alone. I wished I were a ghost. Now I'm lost. And I'm afraid of future. 
Memonster Memonster
26-30
Dec 6, 2012