I Would Have Loved It...

I remember when I was a teen I started a diary. In it I wrote random thoughts but I did write in it one day something to the effect of "I love wearing girls clothes theyre so pretty". Well I always had my diary hidden but one day I came home and was told by my parents that they had gone into my room looking for stuff (what stuff they were looking for was never revealed to me) and they asked me if there was anything that I wanted to tell them. "No" was the reply and I wasnt lying. I didnt want them to know any of my secret desires because they were just that...secret. My Dad was a hardcore manly man who worked on cars and lifted weights and my Mom was the type that wouldnt hesitate to call a boy a sissy in a demeaning way. So I had no intentions of them ever finding out that I was jealous of the pretty clothes my sisters got to wear.

Well, the next day at school it hit me what they couldve been talking about. i was scared to death that my secret may have been found out, but then I started thinking..."what if theyre okay with it? What if they are buying me stuff right now and when i get home i'll have a dress and pretty panties like my sisters wear laying on my bed?" Well as you can imagine i had a big smile on my face the rest of the day and even ran the entire way home, into the house, up the stairs, right towards my room where I opened the door to find.....nothing. Just the same boring room that id been living in for the past few years. No dresses, no panties, not even a pair of pastel socks. I was sad as could be but then I got over it because i realized i had no reason to get my hopes up. I didnt even know for sure that they knew my secret...or did they? Because a week or 2 later out of the blue my Mom in the most hateful, demeaning, humiliating way possible asked me "Do you WANT for me and your Father to have to take you to the doctor to get hormone shots so you can become some sissy GIRL?!?!?" I think that was the first time in my life i was ever truly speechless. With a confused look on my face (and a confused thought in my head "why the #$%@ would she be asking me THAT?") I shook my head slowly and said "Umm...no.?." Nothing more was ever said or insinuated, although for some reason every time my Mom saw a TG on tv she would ask me if i thought *she* was pretty (trying to trick me im sure). Whats sad is just because of that one little moment I knew that I would never ever be able to tell my parents anything about me. Some parents accept their kids regardless of how they turn out but mine had already proven that if i wasnt "normal" that they wouldnt want anything to do with me. 20 plus years later and i still havent said anything. My Dad passed and I still havent said anything at all. Only thing ive ever said is one time we were talking about famous male entertainers who ppl suspected were gay. She said "everyone is pretty sure he's gay I dont know why he doesnt just come out". Thinking back to my childhood I softly answered "perhaps he cant bring himself to because he knows how his family will react and he'd just rather keep it a secret". No, im not gay but the scenario fit into my situation....why didnt I ever tell my parents? because I knew and still know how they would react. Wish it didnt have to be that way but my family (unfortunately) is the kind that points and laughs at others who are different. I love them all to pieces but from a distance. Wish things had been different though.
beenbad beenbad
46-50, T
3 Responses Nov 26, 2012

I'm so sorry you went through this!
I'm raising my daughter gender neutral cause I want her to be comfortable in anything and I want her to wear anything she feels like wearing.

Thats great unfortunately society doesnt see girls being gender neutral. They see it as "girls being girls" or the double standard of "well, girls can do that". With guys its "oh youre a sissy", "youre not a real man" , "you must be gay" and such.

It's awful! :(
I hope that changes.
I Messaged you btw :))

I understand your question now

Too bad that you had a mom and dad like that. But hey, now you are an adult and you can do what you please. Obviously the femme within you was there 20 years ago and now you know it isn't "bad" ... like me, just the way we are.