Some Memories Are Sensory, Others Emotional

There are a lot of memories from my childhood that I have and I realized many of them are powerful, but not necessarily a pivotal situation for me in my life.

Some of them are simple, like being out in the grocery store with my mother shopping and being taken to the bathroom for a diaper change (I'm pretty sure this is when I was about 5). They didn't have the changing areas like most bathrooms now do, so I was laid down on the tile floor for it. I remember how cold it felt on the backs of my legs as my dress was lifted up, plastic panties and diaper removed and then a fresh one put on.

I remember things like the baby powder smell when buying a box of Pampers disposables at the store, how powerful that smell seemed to me. I remember trying to hide behind my mother as we went through the checkout with them, that it was so embarrassing to be there as she bought them for me.

At the same time, I remember much more relaxing things, such as being with my aunt (I think I was 7) and having a bath followed by getting ready for bed. She was much more gentle and tender than my mother when it came to caring for me. I remember getting out of the tub and dried off, followed by plenty of baby powder (the smell still sticks in my mind) then my diaper, plastic pants and pajamas.

Emotions stick out most in my mind from when I dressed up as a teenager. There was a lot of uncertainty in my mind the first night my mother had me dress in some of her clothes. I wasn't sure what I should think of it as I first slipped on the cotton briefs, and I kept quiet for most of it other than asking for help trying to get the bra hooked in back. It was overwhelming for the most part. There was little I could actually seem to focus on at the time. When my mother asked me what I thought of the clothes I had on, the only thing I was really able to focus on was that they were lighter weight and cooler than my clothes.

The next day, when she took me shopping for my own things, I was almost numb when it came out that was what we were going to get. There was embarrassment like crazy as she picked out panties and bras for me, she made most of the decisions since all I could say in response to her questions on which I liked was, "Those are OK." I truly didn't know what to think--these things were pretty and all, but, unlike many crossdressers whose stories I have read, I didn't feel excitement inside. This was just more like basic clothes shopping.

When we got home, it took a while for the full realization of this to hit me; these were MY clothes. These were outfits I had agreed to get, things I had agreed to wear. Hanging things up in my closet made me wonder what I had gotten myself into. Making room in my dresser drawers helped hammer home that this was happening.

My mother helped me with makeup, and the sensations from that still stick in my mind. The slightly waxy feel of the lipstick, the light brush on my cheeks for foundation and rouge, the eyeliner and eyeshadow, each had something to assault my senses, be it the feel or the smell or the taste.

Other things stick out in my mind as well. The fear and trepidation I had the first time I went outside dressed. Would a neighbor see me as we went to the car? Would we run into anyone around town that we knew? Could I look enough the part that people wouldn't laugh at me for being a boy in drag? It was worrisome to me.

Even in the comfort of home, some things took getting used to. Laundry was one that took a while. The family clothes went into a common basket and were washed together and then we all helped fold everyone's things. I know I cringed the first few times my mom told my sisters that, "those are your brother's panties and bras."

Even in our backyard it took time to feel comfortable. My swimsuit for the summer was a girl's one piece, my mother didn't want to get me boy's trunks since nobody else in the family got multiple swimsuits and the girl's suit covered as much either way.

Once I got used to it, it wasn't that tough to deal with, but up front there was a lot of anxiety with dressing up as a girl.
analogguy analogguy
41-45, M
Jan 17, 2013