Why Did I Start?

I am the product of an alcoholic mother. The memories of her staggering around, shouting abuse and making crude remarks, fill me with shame more than ten years after her passing.

The last thing I ever wanted to be, was to be just like her. Maybe she is not to blame at all. Maybe, it`s the heroes that I wanted to emulate. These heroes are Keith Richards from The Stones, Ronnie Wood also from The Stones & The Faces, Phil Lynott of Thin Lizzy (dead at 36 ), Bon Scott of AC/DC (dead at 34), Alex Harvey (dead at 46). Then there are some heroes that didn`t have the good grace to die, like Stevie Wright of The Easybeats, who is fat, suffering from diabetes and dementia at the age of 62.

If I had the constitution of Keith Richards I`d keep blasting away into infinity, but I haven`t, and the drink is starting to take its toll on me in a mental & physical capacity.

I forget words mid sentence, I get muddled, I don`t sleep soundly, I talk ****, and I lie to those close to me about my drinking.

All my best memories revolve around alcohol & music, alcohol & meeting girls, alcohol & sex, and alcohol as a social lubricant.

Ever stand front of stage while a white hot band is blistering you with some of the most savage rock & roll you are ever likely to hear? You ever had a lady just begging for a ******* and a drink in hand? Aren`t  those just two of the best feelings in the world?

No! The best feeling in the world is half a dozen bottles of white wine/champagne with some gorgeous willing lady, and living a pornographic fairy tale.

The truth is that this stuff captures you.

20 years ago I met someone that I wanted to share a lifetime with. She knows I`m a heavy drinker, and she`s not too happy about it. But, my wife doesn`t know the half of it.

I drink most days I get a chance. Too excess. I love the feeling of being drunk, but I hate what I do to my health, I hate the sneaking, I hate the financial cost, I hate the fact that I could kill myself at a youngish age like my mother did and rob my son of a father and I hate the charade.

The first time I got drunk was at the age of 10, but I have been drinking fairly consistently since the age of 14. That is over 30 years of liver/kidney damage, putting myself at the risk of certain cancers, loss of brain cells and some rather regretable behaviour.

I don`t know if I`m strictly an alcoholic, although I did attend a few AA meetings a number of years ago and felt a total fraud amongst people whose drinking had cost them families, jail time & the DT`s. But it is most certainly a complusion.

Today I have a cold, my wife is at work, and my son is at his grandparents. While they were gone I tried to drown my cold with a few beers and a couple of bottles of wine. I feel so low, so miserable.

Do I wan`t to quit drinking full-stop? Sometimes its yes, and others no. If I was super confident, super dedicated, then yes I`d love to quit. But, drinking has brought some magical times to my life, as well as the not so magical.

How would a romantic evening be without champagne? How will being sober versus having a guts full of beer impair my enjoyment of a rock show? How do I survive a social situation I`m forced into without being blasted?

I want to live at least another 40 years so can see my son grow into middle age, but how do I do this without being bored mindless, and being socially retarted.

I despise myself for inheriting my mothers illness.

musicmad musicmad
41-45, M
2 Responses Mar 26, 2009

Learn to pretend, that childhood thing we all use to do! Pretend your drunk or feeling good when your being social or be that self that u be when drinking, without the alcohol.

Try this on for size...Remember to treat others the way you wish to be treated. Then start practicing some real deep self-Love. ( From the inside out) You have the Breath of Life and Love inside you - like we all do. Remember to Love, Protect and Share it with & for yourself & others. Also do the same for the Temple it resides in..Tour Body... Once you can do this the universe will forgive your transgressions. Your life will take on better choices. Your Creator has things in control more than you think.<br />
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LOVE & HUGS, livingwell