I Screwed Up Last Night

I drink alone, I drink before class, I drink at the office, I teach (college level) drunk. Last night, I got really drunk, blacked out and chased off a great guy (a totally amazing man actually). Now, it is just me and the dogs. I soooo screwed up.

My current job ends in a little over a year and I will need to change careers. My 17 year marriage ended this year; I got incredibly lucky and found an amazing new partner- but now that is over too. I need to find a roommate to help make the mortgage. All of my friends are colleagues at work, but because I will have to leave soon, I am isolating myself from them. I live in a state far away from all my family, and wonder what will happen to me.

I know what I need to do- stop drinking, start exercising, get involved in some activities to make new friends, get the house cleaned up and advertise for a roommate- but I can't seem to get anything done. The work for my classes is piling up and I feel hopelessly behind. I have an excuse for everything- I can't seem to get anything done. I know I am moderately depressed, and the drinking isn't helping that or my energy level to get things done. But all the change of the past year have been overwhelming and I know there is more change coming. I am afraid.

metis metis
36-40, F
1 Response Feb 14, 2009

When I was drinking...<br />
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I thought and dreamed big, I talked BIG... about all of the things I was going to do.<br />
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What did I do? I kept the bar stool warm and kept the drinks coming. I was unable to do or follow through with anything as long as I sat on that bar stool, talking with all the other big talkers there.<br />
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Alone, I found the next drink, the next bottle, the next drug, the next thing to fill the hole I felt.<br />
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Until I knew I was not alone in my struggle and that others had escaped that vicious cycle of pain, I was unable to stop and find any real happiness.<br />
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Today I have real friends, a real life and real goals. Things I wanted to do are becoming reality in my life. Other things I thought I wanted to do, I no longer wish to do because I am happy today.<br />
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I wish you all the hope, health and strength you need.<br />
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It is in surrendering that we win.