Blame Is Such a Blur

Today I venture out. I am at a tavern style bar and grill and have already been served a Heineken. Maybe I have celebration on my mind. I am optimistic that my neck/arm pain is going to subside and more importantly, I feel some breakthroughs underway.  

I was thinking about the concept of ecology and how it really is a much broader and more important “science” than say, economics. Economics is all about the relationships between inputs of resources and the outputs of goods and services. Ecology takes the economic concept further and includes the concept of replenishment. Not just what is yielded but what is sustainable.  

Have “met” a lot of people on EP. There is a really great variety of personal styles and interests, quite refreshing. Various favorite subjects, writing styles, senses of humor, emotional sharing, calling out, reaching out and on. But the most important observation I have made is what we all have in common. We are all human persons seeking connection. And for the most part, we are full of compassion and seek to do the right things in life. I thank all of you.    

Doing this “EP thing”, at least for now, helps me to create some clarity around my own thoughts and actions. There is a sense of obligation to be honest with myself before I share a set of thoughts. For example, (hopefully) you do not see any “spouse bashing” on my part, although I am very concerned about my marriage. When I review my writing, I find myself eliminating things that I feel but don’t really believe.  

My emotions, on the other hand, I try to be very raw and open with, about what I am feeling without being too involved with blame. Blame can be such a blur. 

IamIam IamIam
46-50, M
4 Responses Dec 6, 2007

Admittedly, I tend to think "move on" before "stick with it", these days, but I think that's just a knee-jerk reaction that I have, now that I'm watching the divorce unfold. I find it really hard to be "human" through this, though, I just had a pretty civil (and open) conversation with the ex-to-be where I confided in her that the reason that I was able to pull everything together was because I found something at church that gave me hope for living, which I had tried and could not find before my circumstances were so extreme that I had to shape up (pray for a miracle) in order to survive (move out and live on my own).<br />
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It was the "pray for a miracle" piece that caused me to seek one in a church (after all, miracles are God-territory, right?) ... And I just so happened to get one. After nearly 5-8 years of depression, I haven't suffered from it since I started following the contemplative path. Funny thing, though, depression is not something that can be seen. You see the effects, if you're not so deep into it that you are surrounded by blackness, but you don't ever get a piece of paper with a compositional breakdown of exactly which neurotransmitters are causing the problem. The technology (as far as I know) just doesn't exist. And so I find myself tempted to discount the fact that I haven't suffered since I started honestly trying to improve myself. I would, maybe, if I hadn't have been nearly completely debilitated for the past 8 years, but I still remember how it was so hard to function one day to the next... and that on some days, there just was no functioning.<br />
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Sorry, didn't mean to hijack this thread. Point was, I had a civil conversation with the ex-to-be and was able to tell her that it was a life change brought on by something I found at an unusual church, and not the fact that I didn't love her enough to just shape up and straighten out... even though the latter thought hurt her much more than, as she called it, "the sign that I wasn't the one."<br />
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I've been finding that I seem to want her to hurt a little more than I'm seeing, but I'm trying to work through that. And when she was standing in front of me tonight, I really didn't want her to be in pain...

You write very well..!! <br />
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I share many similar marriage challenges and feelings. Life is complicated, in an ecological way. Things seem to interconnect, lives flow together. We find some peace and insight in the midst, I think it helps us to heal ourselves, relationships, and difficulties...<br />
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We hope!!

Thanks Bitkitty. I like to intermix things, make various suggestions, create some ambiance. But it is absolutely about hinking out loud. I find by writing things out and create more clarity for myself. My awry thoughts get exposed and eliminated both in my words and my head.

It is very easy to want to support someone, always being on their side. When people converse about relationships here, it is probably 6 to 1 "move on" versus "hang in there". I don't think that is honesty.